Hyde Resurrected

Once again...

2008-08-04T18:43:00.003-04:00

I'm tired of this blog at this address. It happens...

I'm starting over again. You can find me here.

cheers!
h

Ich Hab' Die Ganze Nacht Geweint...

2008-08-01T18:07:00.002-04:00

I must be self-obsessed because I've been watching Season 1 of "Sex and the City" and every episode that I see pertains immediately to me.

There's nothing I can do except admire my new haircut while listening to Marlene Dietrich tracks and chain-smoke cigarettes. Even though Marlboro Reds are strong enough to burn my tongue sometimes, the smoke they produce is deliciously thick.

Still not feeling it with Narc. No attraction. Am I done? Maybe. Is he done? Maybe. I slept there last night, but neither one of us really wanted to have sex. I lay there, unable to fall asleep, wondering what the whole point of it is if we're not having sex. I mean... that's what we were, to me... That's the aspect of my personality that needed him. Without it, I still love him in a way, but I don't need him. And if I don't need him, there's no reason for me to prioritize him when I have so much fucking work to do. I contemplated leaving. I contemplated saying something. But, for what? I don't know when I fell asleep.

Anyway, tomorrow is BigSis' baby shower. I spent waaaay too much money on her presents-- money I don't really have. I was just excited to buy things for my niece.

Have to run now. Heading to AA on the Upper West...

=h=

...docendo discimus...

2008-07-30T21:39:00.003-04:00

I've been working my ass off this week. Somehow I feel as if I've just awakened from a long sleep and have realized how much work there is to do! This Intellectual History course is still monopolizing my life. I need to find time to get those last incompletes done and start prepping for my orals.

I talked to Hammer on the phone yesterday. It seems that she's having a fun and productive research summer in Paris. I miss her over here though...

On Friday, Narc and I ate at Sabarsky. On Saturday I went to NJ for my friend's baby shower and got into a fight with my sisters and my mom. It led to a mini-breakdown and a lot of tears on Saturday night, but it was ultimately cathartic-- a good, healthy cry that I apparently needed. I stayed over Narc's that night and we went to the movies the next day. We grocery shopped at Whole Foods. I'm still feeling "out of love" with him. It's freaky. My fingers are crossed that it sticks. How liberating that would be...!

And since then, I've just been working... I bought some new clothes on Monday. I had dinner with Anxious last night. B found out that he's having a girl. BigSis' baby shower is this coming Saturday.

I think I like my new haircut after all. I feel like a different person-- a scholar, a woman, worldly somehow... Or just a New York City grad student. I kind of like it.

Hmmm...

"You love until you don't"

2008-07-24T15:54:00.004-04:00

Well, life is just rolling along. (As is my CD transfer... I'm now about to do Wagner's entire Ring cycle...)

Yesterday in class, a really annoying student kept trying to argue with me that Nietzsche was an anti-Semite.

Tonight Narc and I are going to hear Britta Phillips in concert at the Zipper Factory. I'm excited because she did the voice of "Jem" in Jem & the Holograms. I'm not familiar with her stuff otherwise. Narc got us the tickets a few weeks ago.

Things with Narc are weird. He hasn't had a drink in a few weeks and I feel like things have gotten routine between us because of it. It's not exactly passion-less, but it kind of is. How the hell did that happen? I keep thinking of that Regina Spektor song-- "You love until you don't." Maybe it's as simple as that. He's having a lot of post-acute withdrawal symptoms and actually acknowledged that he's feeling it.

Yesterday we went to go see the Batman movie in IMAX in the morning. Afterwards, after his doctor appointment, we ate lunch in the West Village. For some reason, I found myself being passive aggressive and bringing up things that happened three years ago. When I realized what I was doing, I apologized for it.

"I don't mean to be dragging up unpleasant things from the past," I said. "I guess I just have really unresolved feelings about it."

"I don't even remember any of that," he said nonchalantly. "It must have effected you a lot more than it effected me. So sensitive, Hyde!"

He said it in a way that was meant to diminish what I felt.

"Sensitive? I don't think so," I said. "I practically had to numb myself out to put up with all of it. In fact, I had very little emotional reaction given the massive amount of emotional pain that I was in."

The subject of the Exhibitionist came up.

"Being mad at her is like being mad about a discarded napkin," he said. "She's nothing..."

"I'm not mad at her," I said. "I'm mad at you, I guess. I think I'm just really mad at you. I was in a lot of pain. And I'm not quite sure how to deal with it."

He didn't answer, but looked uncomfortable.

"There's no point in doing this right now, though," I said. "I'm just sorry if I was being passive aggressive."

I don't know why I am starting to feel things only now. I don't know why I don't feel passion for him right now. I don't know what to make of any of it, except that "you love until you don't."

Anyway, tomorrow afternoon we're supposed to get lunch at the Cafe Sabarsky. Hammer and I had always said we would eat there together, but I doubt that's ever going to happen at this point. I haven't talked to her in months.

This weekend I have another baby shower to attend and then I'm off to Stonybrook for GoldenFinch's 30th birthday.

As for this afternoon, I have to go make some photocopies and then teach a class on late-19th century sociology before the concert.

So... I'm off to keep rolling...

-h-

Monumental

2008-07-21T23:55:00.003-04:00

I've started the somewhat monumental task of transferring my CD collection onto iTunes. Obviously, I had already done this in part, as every time I cared to hear a particular CD I would load it into the computer. But I never before undertook the entire project.

I must have at least 400 CD's. They take up a lot of shelf space. I want them out of my apartment. I'm trying to unclutter the place and get some better energy flowing.

So far, I've been working on the transfer for about a week-- every time I sit down to write a lesson plan, I try to copy a few CD's. I just finished my lesson on Social Darwinism and 19th century racism. I am listening to some Johnny Cash right now. I own nine Johnny Cash albums and haven't heard any of them in a long time. Some of the songs are so simple... so beautiful. Others make me laugh and think of AIR7 and of spring break in New Orleans a long time ago...

Yes... that was a long time ago.

love,
h

The Beach Bum

2008-07-20T21:49:00.007-04:00

I'm still here... apparently just a lot less inspired to blog. I've been busy... I spent most of the week that I last posted with Narc. We went grocery shopping at the new "Whole Foods" that opened in Tribeca and experimented with his George Foreman grill. I ended up seeing the Exhibitionist again later that weekend again. She "dropped by" his place while I was there, going on and on about how she had just broken up with her 50-something, rich, producer boyfriend.

"I blew it!" she said. "The huge loft apartment, the shopping, the trips..."

Then she and Narc went on a bit about how in your 20's, women have all the power but once you're in your 30's and beyond, men have all the power. And what are relationships? An exchange of sex for cash. I hate when Narc gets into that line of thinking, and I usually argue with him. But with the Exhibitionist, I see where he gets it. She IS like that. I just kept my mouth shut for the most part and tried not to puke.

That weekend I went to Long Island on Saturday for my cousin's 1-year-old birthday party and then came back to the city to attend a pre-Bastille Day party hosted by my friend NV. NDN and his girlfriend, Tamika were there. NDN was trying very hard to make some new friends.

(The "e" is sticking on my laptop as I'm trying to write this and it's realllly annoying!)

Anyway, I continued to spend nearly all my free time with Narc until Tuesday when his ex-girlfriend arrived from New Orleans. I have been feeling very lonely and existentially out of sorts lately. Of all people, I called Narc to talk about it on Sunday night.

"I think I just want a boyfriend," I told him.

I don't know why I went to him. Maybe I feel like there's no one else there sometimes.

On Wednesday I chopped off my hair. It was really damaged and I've been avoiding this moment for as long as possible, but in the end, if I want my healthy thick long hair back, I have to retire my flat-iron and start over. I still can't quite get used to it, but whatever...

For most of the week, I slaved away writing lectures for my class. On Thursday I was on my way to the school where I used to teach to clean out my office, when I got a phone call. It was a guy from AA who has a crush on me. I picked up on that a few months ago, but we've only had a few conversations. Once he sent me a really cute text that I looked "pretty" at a meeting. It turns out he's taking a class at the same college where I'm teaching this summer. We're both there at the same time on most weeknights. He asked if I wanted to get coffee or dinner after class.

"Sure!" I said.

But when we hung up, I thought about how nervous he had sounded on the phone and realized that it was probably a date.

It was... But I tried to keep it casual by suggesting a diner and immediately grabbing the tab to pay half. We didn't have that much to talk about until we got on the subject of our old-ways. He told me about all of the psychedelic drugs he did. Anyway, afterwards, we awkwardly parted ways on the street corner. I know you're probably thinking that I should give this guy a chance, but I'm not attracted to him... at least not right now.

Narc had sent me a text that his ex was going to stay with some other friends that night. He asked if I wanted to come down (and bring him Mint Milano cookies!). I went over there.

While I was on the phone with my mom trying to arrange a train-pickup for the next day, someone beeped into my phone on call waiting. It was the guy with whom I had been on the date/non-date.

"What's up?"

"Um... I just wanted to call to tell you something," he said.

"What?"

"Well... um... I was thinking and... Well... I really should have paid the whole bill. I mean, I regret that I didn't do that; I mean, I don't know why I didn't do that..."

I felt really bad at that point, for whatever part I was playing in all this.

"Don't worry about it!" I said, continuing the confusion for him. "It's not a big deal. I had fun. I'll talk to you later."

Basically, I got through that conversation ASAP.

As for this weekend-- I went to the beach every day.

On Friday I went out to Long Island with my mom and LilSis. We went to ToBay and ate crab cakes and I started reading Anna Karenina. I absolutely love it. Liu promised I would. Why, on Earth, haven't I read it before now???

On the train back to the city, I was completely overwhelmed by the crowds headed to the Billy Joel concert. I have been so sick of the crowds in this city lately... too many people! I feel like my old irritable self, when I used to go around quoting "No Exit" and stepping on people's toes. I think it may be because I've hardly been going to meetings since this new class started. I mean, don't get me wrong-- I absolutely love New York. But even the best of friends can sometimes be on bad terms.

I went right to AA from the train, still full of beach grime, only stopping for some Pinkberry and to pick up some corn on the cob for my friend Drew's barbecue after the meeting. The guy with whom I had the date was there, and I said hello to him, but after that we barely said two words.

Drew is house-sitting for her boss' friend-- an absolutely awesome triplex on the Upper West Side. There was a little backyard, bohemian floor tiles, two enormous cats and a Scottish Terrier-- supposedly the brother of George Bush's dog. StarGazer came with her boyfriend, and it was nice to finally get to meet him. Pixie was there too, and a number of new girls, many of whom are counting days.

I left there sometime after midnight. TT had texted me that he was at Cheers, so I decided to poke my head in. On my way out of the cab, I encountered a drunk guy and two girls waiting to get in. It was none other than KHill. Weird. I said hi to him and he nearly didn't recognize me. ThursdayGirl was there and was raving about how good I look. (New haircut and all!) I have to say-- it feels good to go back to a place where I was rock bottom and so fucking crazy and to have them acknowledge the change. Somehow it makes the enormity of it all so much more real to me.

I stayed out that night until after 3:00 AM and on Saturday got up to head out to Brighton Beach to meet Anxious, who is back in town for the summer. (In case you forgot, about six months ago, she moved to LA to do a PhD program in Spanish language and lit). NDN and Tamika stopped by in the morning and brought me a coffee.

The train took a while to get all the way out to Brighton Beach and the crowds were thick. I hated all the people around me again. Plus it was so fucking hot out!! But once I got there and felt the breeze off the water, and heard the rhythm of the sea, it was all OK.

Anxious and BulgarianGuy and I ate lunch on the boardwalk before he took off and we moved down onto the sand. I tried to take a dip in the water, but I saw some jellyfish and got scared. Mostly, we just sat on the beach and talked and talked. We've been friends for over ten years. I sometimes forget how good it feels just to talk to someone who knows you without having to explain anything.

On Saturday night, I went straight from the beach to Benihana in Midtown for my friend AGrub's birthday dinner. AGrub is really BigSis' friend, so she and Bro-in-Law were there. (So was her friend, English, who I haven't seen in a while). BigSis is really starting to get big with her pregnancy. I'm so excited for my niece!!

On our way out of the restaurant a somewhat drunk and slightly belligerent Tracy Morgan bumped into us on his way in. That was kind of strange...

In any case, I went home to shower and change after that. And at around 12:45 AM, I went back out to meet NDN and Tamika who were at a party for her friend at a nearby bar. The crowds outside the bar were really annoying though. The line to get in was long and the people were drunk. I didn't want to be there, so I just left.

I was feeling restless though, and really irritable. I had gotten dressed to go out and so I wanted to go out and do something, but I didn't want to deal with the crowds at that bar. I started to walk home and passed by "Overlook." So... I decided to go in. In retrospect, it really wasn't a "sober" decision-- especially since I was feeling so moody and disconnected. But that's the very reason why I felt driven away from going home and being cozy. In any case, I didn't want to sit at the bar surrounded by alcohol and people. I don't know what I wanted-- I didn't want to be alone, but I couldn't stand people either.

So... I got a diet coke and took it to a booth in the back of the bar near the pool table. Then I just sipped it and mulled... sipped it and mulled... I was brooding, I guess you could say.

It wasn't long before a really cute, smiling guy found me and asked why I was sitting alone. I started to chat with him. He's from Holland and works for some big bank. His company sent him here for a few months. His companions at the pool table were both Belgian. We probably talked for about 45 minutes before he asked for my number. I didn't feel like myself. I kind of wanted to punch someone in the face. But, I tried to act sane and smiled and gave him my number. I probably won't pick up if he calls.

At around 2:30 AM I excused myself and went home.

This morning I woke up and watched a few episodes of "The Sopranos" (I'm in Season 5) before heading back out into the heat wave and back onto the subway to meet Pixie and a new AA, "Laurie" at Coney Island. More beach time!! I read my book the whole way there on the train and was happy in a simple sort of way. Overall, I had a great day. I'm so glad I went. The sand felt good between my toes, and in the same way it was great to talk to Anxious--an old friend-- it was great to have moments of discovery with these newer friends. After a few hours of surf and sand, we grabbed a slice of pizza and got onto the subway.

I got out at Union Square, said goodbye to the girls and bought Narc a piece of lapis lazuli at one of the flea market stands there. Then I came home, ate my leftover Benihana for dinner and answered some emails. I think I'm going to go to bed early tonight and wake up early tomorrow to get some work done.

So... I'm kind of caught up on my blogging now, right?

Hope you're all well out there!!

lots of love,
h

Working (it) Out

2008-07-09T20:11:00.004-04:00

Oh, man! I'm exhausted!! I just started teaching a new class yesterday and it is working me to the bone. I posted my syllabus, as that's pretty much all I've been thinking about this week.

Last week was a tough one. I went through a lot of different emotions, went to a few Al-Anon meetings, was weepy and depressed, skipped out on my camping trip, and fostered resentments at everyone. All the while, I spent every free minute with Narc. He bought "Rock Band" and we made a band called "Ultramarine."

I think that this week, doing work and thinking about ideas are good for me. It makes me "me." I've also been doing a lot of yoga. (Well, not exactly a lot, but at least a lot more...)

Last night Narc and I watched the "Glitter and Gold" episode of Jem and the Holograms. I was entirely shocked to realize that I had whole chunks of dialogue memorized. How could I have retained it from only watching it one time, twenty years ago??

Who knows...

Oh-- I have a little story. The other day as I was arriving at Narc's I saw the Exhibitionist on my way out.

"Exhibitionist!" I called out to her.

She looked really confused.

"I'm Hyde... Narc's friend? How are you?"

"Oh! Oh my god! You lost so much weight!" she said. "You look great."

"Er, um... thanks."

"Not that you looked bad before, but..."

"Yeah, I guess I've been trying to get healthy."

She just kept looking at me as though she were shocked and still off guard. After that we exchanged a few words about Narc, about his health, about the last time he was in the hospital compared to this time, about his new acquisition of Rock Band. It was kind of an awkward conversation. It was also very clear that I had spent a lot of time with him. She hadn't seen him in months.

"Wow, you look great," she repeated several more times, seemingly startled, before taking her leave of me.

When I got upstairs, I told Narc that I had bumped into her. I think he had hoped we would miss each other. I told him about our conversation. A few minutes later, Narc got a text.

"It's the Exhibitionist," he said.

"What did she say?"

"Probably just wants to tell me she bumped into you."

When he opened the text, he wouldn't let me read it.

"What did she say???"

"It's nothing," he said, shaking his head.

"No, really! Tell me!"

It took a little more convincing, but he ultimately showed me the text.

Just bumped into Hyde, she wrote. She looks great. Lost a lot of weight. You should marry that one. She loves you!

Narc was embarrassed, I think, but I just laughed. I don't want to marry him. And I hate her shallow world and her shallow values, that somehow NOW I'm marriage material for him, whereas I wasn't when I weighed more. At the same time, I couldn't help but find myself secretly pleased and feeling somehow vindicated by her comment. And I didn't like that in myself. I don't know what that feeling was all about.

Anyway, I'm too tired to write any more right now. I only wanted to stop by because I miss blogging (sort of) and I wish I had more of an impulse to write right now. I guess I'm just going through something else at the moment-- something that doesn't want to be sorted out on paper. (Or, more precisely... on the computer).

love,
h

My Syllabus

2008-07-08T20:13:00.000-04:00

HIST 3222:
EUROPEAN INTELLECTUAL HISTORY:
THE ENLIGHTENMENT TO THE PRESENT

Course Description:

This course will introduce students to significant texts, thinkers and the primary themes of Modern European Intellectual History. We will approach ideas as a reflection of specific historical contexts, rooting them in social, political, cultural, artistic and economic movements. Beginning with the roots of modern thought in the Scientific Revolution and the Enlightenment, we will trace the relationship between “Scientific Rationalism” and “anti-Rationalist” thought throughout the 19th and 20th centuries before ending with a discussion of major late 20th century intellectual movements.

SCHEDULE OF CLASSES:

UNIT ONE: ENLIGHTENMENT ROMANTICISM & REVOLUTION

Tuesday, July 8th: Introduction to the Course

Lecture on: The Scientific Revolution and the Age of Reason

Required Readings:
Pgs. 3-14: Introduction to Intellectual History, Methodology and Interpretation
Pgs. 249-257: On the Scientific Revolution

Optional readings:
Primary Sources:
Roger Cotes, Preface to Sir Isaac Newton’s “Principia” (pg. 237)
Rene Descartes, The Principles of Philosophy (pg. 315)
John Locke, Essay Concerning Human Understanding (pg. 329)
Sir Joshua Reynolds, Discourses on Painting (pg. 381)

Wednesday, July 9th: The Fall of the Ancien Regime: Political Theory and Revolution

Readings:
Pgs. 357-363: On the Enlightenment

Primary Sources: Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan (pg. 337)
John Locke, Second Treatise on Government
Immanuel Kant: What is Enlightenment?
Baron de Montesquieu, Spirit of the Laws (pg. 414)
Jean Jacques Rousseau, The Social Contract (pg. 419)
Abbé de Sièyes, What is the Third Estate?

Thursday, July 10th: Romanticism

Readings:
Overview of Kant's Aesthetic Theory

Primary Sources:
Madame de Stäel, Germany (pg. 460)
William Blake, Annotations to Sir Joshua Reynolds’ “Discourses” (pg. 474)
Johann Goethe: Faust (excerpts)
William Wordsworth: Tintern Abbey
Images of Romanticism in Painting

UNIT TWO: THE RATIONAL 19th CENTURY

Tuesday, July 15th: Industrial Change and 19th Century Political Ideologies

Readings:
Pgs. 451-460: On “The Century of Becoming”

Primary Sources:
Adam Smith, The Wealth of Nations (pg. 433)
Edmund Burke, Reflections on the Revolution in France (pg. 475)
Joseph DeMaistre, The Divine Origins of Constitutions
Jeremy Bentham, On the Principle of Utility (pg. 487)
Robert Owen, The New Moral Order (pg. 501)
Giusseppi Mazzini, On the Duties of Man (pg. 539)

Wednesday, July 16th: Hegel, Marx and the Idea of History

Readings:
Primary Sources:
GWF Hegel: The Dialectic of History
Karl Marx, On Man and History (pg. 528)
Friedrich Engels: The Condition of the Working Class in England in 1844
Herr Eugen Dühring’s Revolution in Science (pg. 534)
Marx & Engels, The Communist Manifesto

Thursday, July 17th: The Idea of Progress: Positivism & Realism

Readings:
Primary Sources:
Samuel Smiles, Self-Help (pg. 494)
Herbert Spencer, Social Statics (pg. 499)
Auguste Comte, The Positive Philosophy (pg. 506)
A General View of Positivism
Claude Bernard, Introduction to the Study of Experimental Medicine (pg. 514)
Emile Zola, The Experimental Novel (pg. 519)
The Paintings of Gustav Courbet

UNIT THREE: THE “IRRATIONAL” 19TH CENTURY

Tuesday, July 22nd: Imperialism, Nationalism & Social Darwinism

Readings:
Primary Sources:
Charles Darwin, The Origin of Species and The Descent of Man (pg. 546)
Karl Pearson, National Life from the Standpoint of Science (pg. 576)
Heinrich von Treitschke, Politics (pg. 580)
Houston Stewart Chamberlain, Foundations of the 19th Century (pg. 586)
Joseph Conrad: The Heart of Darkness
Rudyard Kipling, The White Man’s Burden
Pears Soap Advertisement I
Pears Soap Advertisement II
Pears Soap Advertisement III

Wednesday, July 23rd: The Crisis of Faith: Nietzsche & the “Death of God”

Readings:
Primary Sources:
Friedrich Nietzsche, On the Death of God (pg. 590)
The Gay Science
Thus Spake Zarathustra
The Genealogy of Morals
Ernst Haeckel, The Riddle of the Universe (pg. 563)
Wilhelm Dilthey, On Historical Relativism (pg. 595)
Alfred Fouillée, The Reaction Against Positivism (pg.598)

Thursday, July 24th: Mass Politics and 19th Century Sociology

Readings:
Primary Sources:
Gustave le Bon, The Crowd Man (pg. 603)
Graham Wallas, Nature in Politics (pg. 607)
Doestoevsky: Notes From Underground
Part I: Underground, chapter 1
Part II: A Propos of the Wet Snow, chapter 1
Georg Simmel: The Metropolis and Mental Life
Emil Durkheim: The Elementary Forms of Religious Life (Introduction)
Max Weber: TBA

UNIT FOUR: MODERNISM

Tuesday, July 29th: Psychology and the Modern Consciousness

Readings:
Pgs. 623-634: On “The Age of Anxiety”

Primary Sources:
Sigmund Freud, Various Selections (pg. 690)
Sigmund Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents (pg. 695)
Carl Jung, On the Collective Unconscious, (pg. 698)
Philipp Frank, On The Crisis and Science and Logical Positivism (pg. 664)
Franz Kafka: The Metamorphosis, chapter 1
Bertrand Russell: Philosophic Consequences of Relativity

Wednesday, July 30th: The First World War, Modernism & the Arts

Readings:
Primary Sources:
F.T. Marinetti: The Futurist Manifesto
Wassily Kandinsky: Concerning the Spiritual in Art, conclusion
A Surrealist Manifesto: The Declaration of January 27, 1925
Siegfried Sassoon: Attack
T.S. Eliot: The Wasteland
Ernst Friedrich: War Against War (look through images)
WWI Poster

Thursday, July 31st: Politics in the Interwar Era

Readings:
Primary Sources:
Vladimir Lenin: What is to be Done? (pg. 705)
Vladimir Lenin: On Socialism and Religion and On Ethics (pg. 709-710)
Alfredo Rocco: On the Political Doctrine of Fascism (pg. 718)
Benito Mussolini: The Doctrine of Fascism (pg. 724)
Adolph Hitler: Mein Kampf (pg. 728)
Alfred Rosenberg: The Myth of the 20th Century (pg. 729)

UNIT FIVE: WORLD WAR II & THE POSTWAR WORLD

Tuesday, August 5th: Existentialism and Cultural Pessimism

Readings:
Primary Sources:
Jean Paul Sartre: Existentialism (pg. 657)
Søren Kierkegaard: Fear and Trembling
Karl Jaspers: Way to Wisdom (pg. 661)
C. Virgil Gheorghiu: The Twenty-Fifth Hour (pg. 760)
Martin Heidegger: Existence and Being
Albert Camus: The Absurd Man

Wednesday, August 6th: Postwar Politics and Ethics

Readings:
Primary Sources:
Judge Charles E. Wyzanski, Jr.: Nuremberg in Retrospect
Hannah Arendt: The Origins of Totalitarianism
The UNESCO Questionnaire on Ideological Conflicts Concerning Democracy T(pg. 732)
Winston Churchill: On the Congress of Europe (pg. 737)

Thursday, August 7th: De-Colonization and Revolution

Readings:
Primary Sources:
Franz Fanon, The Wretched of the Earth
Black Skin, White Masks (handout)
Albert Memmi, The Colonizer and the Colonized (handout)
Arthur Koestler: Conversion to Communism (pg. 743)
Jean Paul Sartre: Materialism and Revolution (pg. 746)
Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex
Leon Trotsky, The Permanent Revolution

UNIT SIX: POSTMODERN THOUGHT

Tuesday, August 12th: What is Post-modernism?

Readings: TBA

Wednesday, August 13th: Post-structuralism & Critical Theory

Readings: TBA

Thursday, August 14th: FINAL EXAM

Ad vitam paramus

2008-06-30T21:30:00.004-04:00

I've had no time to blog lately. I still don't have time. Come to think of it-- I've never really had time. But it seems, right now, like there are not very many places to go with this. I'm a jumble of thoughts, a jumble of feelings, a jumble of jumble. Jumble.

Narc is in the hospital. Again. He was admitted five days ago. On Thursday we had plans to see a midnight showing of "Wall-E." He texted me at around 9:30 that he was having a very bad panic attack. He had a similar attack when I was in Texas-- the day after he was out partying himself into oblivion for CouchSleeper's birthday. Apparently he called LAGirl to help him out when I was away and she didn't get back to him for four days. He says he hates her now-- that she is just as duplicitous as all of the other women. Molded in the PopStar mold. It upsets me that it upsets him that much. He cares more than I'd like him to.

In any case, his friend Steve was with him at Cercle Rouge on Thursday when the "panic attack" began. They called 911, given the fact that he had life-threatening pulmonary embolisms a year and a half ago. When I got there, the EMTs had already arrived. Narc was hooked up to an oxygen mask. He said he couldn't feel anything in his arms or hands. Steve and I rode with him to the hospital.

Steve left at around midnight. Narc was set up in the ER and I stayed with him. There was a lot of drama there that night-- a few belligerent drunks making a scene, a couple who had been jumped on the F-train, a homeless guy who was demanding that a pair of shoes be returned to him, a girl who fell off a ladder... I stayed by his side, waiting while they ran all sorts of tests. At around 3:30 AM they came back with the results of his CT scan. He had clotting in his lungs again. The panic attacks were not panic attacks after all-- rather they were a response to a lack of oxygen passing through his lungs and an increased strain on his heart. They wanted to admit him.

Narc and I were both starving (as we were meeting for a dinner which had never been consumed) and now that he was being checked into the hospital, he wanted all sorts of things-- his laptop, a change of clothes, some books and DVDs. I dashed down to his place, picked everything up, got us some food at the deli and made it back to the ER by 4:00 AM. I stayed until around 5:00 when I finally sneaked in some sleep back at home. The next morning I brought him brunch. He was still in the ER. I spent most of the day there. I had to leave to go to LilSis' birthday party at Bartini. I wore a pink sequined shirt that reminds me of "Jem & the Hollograms."

By Saturday Narc had his own room. I brought him some food and spent a few hours there in the morning. Then I had to head out to Long Island. My stepbrother is now 21 and has graduated from all state-funded education. But, given the extent of the brain damage that he suffered and his physical disabilities, he still needs to be in some sort of program. My parents found one that does theater with disabled young adults-- people with all sorts of neurological disorders, etc. They performed "Guys and Dolls" this year and we all went to see the show. I have never seen anything more inspiring or life-affirming. I was in tears at many moments. I just don't have the words right now to really convey what it meant to me. But I was filled with a sense of "spirit" and the triumph of "life-force" over adversity.

Anyway, we all went out to eat at Benihana for a second round of birthday celebrations for LilSis before I headed back to the city. On the taxi line at Penn Station, I bumped into my stepsisters-- Jewel and Toots. I rarely ever see them anymore, as the bad blood is mounting between their mother and my mother and LilSis has even gotten involved in all that. It's bad... really bad. I try to stay out of it. (Although I once wrote about it here). They were excited to see me and happened to be going to a bar just a few blocks from where I live. I told them that I'd try to stop by. But when I called my mom on my way home and mentioned the plan to her, she made me feel guilty about it. My family has a sort of "mafioso loyalty," that might also be referred to as intense "enmeshment." I caved in to it and didn't meet my stepsisters, but it gave me a little resentment against my mom. I still have to sort all of that out.

On Sunday I went back to spend the afternoon with Narc. From his window at St. Vincent's we could see the hustle and bustle of the Gay Pride Parade in the West Village. I left there at around 4:00 to meet Cherubino at Union Square, but went back to the hospital at around 6:30 PM. When I got back, CouchSleeper and Narc's friend Monika were there-- the girl he bought a horse for back in February. I felt a little awkward with her, but totally comfortable with Couchy, so it was alright. Anyway, they both left by 8:00 and I stayed with him until around 9:00 PM.

This morning I went back to the hospital again, after making a pit stop at his apartment to pick up some more things for him. I brought him a sandwich from Subway as per his request. I have been running around for him like a chicken with her head cut off and I have very mixed feelings about doing it. On the one hand, I want to scream-- "You couldn't even invite me to your birthday party, yet I'm taking your food orders every day and going to your apartment on demand!" On the other hand, I love him and he's my friend and he's sick and I love being able to be there for him. There's a part of me that just delights in rising to the occasion when I'm asked to be a martyr. But I'm feeling a lot of strain and a lot of anxiety. I'm not sleeping very well. Even when I do sleep, I seem to wake still tired.

I'm worried about his drinking-- I'm worried that he won't stop and that he'll just get sick on the Coumadin if he drinks on it. Or that he'll stop taking the medication so that he can drink and then he'll suddenly die. Or I'm worried that he'll stop drinking and then our relationship will end because he'll change. I know that's a sick and crazy thought (and a selfish one!) but it's not a real "thought"-- it's more like a fear. I am sick and full of fear. The night that he was in the ER, he said that he might have a problem with alcohol. He even said: "Maybe I should read that book of yours one of these days." But in the morning, that seemed to have gone away. He insisted that a lifetime of Coumadin was probably just a scam for the doctors to earn money for the drug companies. I think he is scared too. His liver enzymes are up. I wonder what the numbers are. I wonder if they are as bad as mine were.

Tomorrow B is leaving town for about five weeks. I haven't seen or heard from Bezoukhoff in about a month either. I am so grateful to have my family, to have my sponsor and to have my sponsee. But so much is changing and so fast.

I went to yoga today with my friend Drew from AA. I haven't been in a while. It felt like those muscles were just breathing, just awakening for the first time. There was a burn of newness about the whole thing. In some ways I feel like that about my whole life-- that I'm just opening my eyes to the world-- that the oxygen is just now first hitting my lungs. The light is bright and I'm uncomfortable. I think I need to go to Al-anon but I don't want to find time for the meeting because I want to stay available to sit all day in the hospital with Narc. I haven't gotten any work done and I start teaching next week. I'm SO unprepared!! I was supposed to go camping this weekend but I don't want to go because I don't want to be out of reach.

"Of course you should go," he shrugs as if it doesn't matter-- as if he doesn't need me at all.

So many lies. There are so many lies in the way that I live my life.

I don't want to go because I desperately want things calm around here. I desperately crave routine. Only, I don't know how to carve one out for myself. I want to organize my apartment. I want to have quiet dinners. I want a stable boy. I want to enjoy my work.

I'm starting to feel very stressed out, just in the process of writing this post. I think that's why I've been blogging less. I need to walk away from the computer right now. I think I want to go watch some television.

Hope you are all well out there.

lots of love,
h

Oh-- by the way-- I got that job I interviewed for last week. Hooray for me.

The Lone-Star State

2008-06-25T21:43:00.003-04:00

Today I am grateful for the most delicious apricot spread from le Pain Quotidienne. Yum, Yum, Yum!! As I type, I have a "hair mask" of conditioner on my head and "Interview with a Vampire" is on TV. I used to love this movie; now it is hopelessly hokey.

Anyway, I had a great time in Texas. My first night there, (after a brief trip to an enormous supermarket!) Liu took me out for Tex Mex, which she insisted was different from any Mexican food to be found in New York City. She is very particular about her tortillas. We went out with a friend of hers from work and a bunch of his friends. They took us around to some of the gay bars in Houston. We met a strange guy named Peter (a straight guy who just happens to spend his time on the gay circuit). He told us all about his forays into ultimate fighting. Liu's friend Matthew became very confessional to me. A lot of interesting things happened. Suffice it to say, it was a strange night overall, but good to be back out on the town with Liu just like the old days!

On Thursday, Liu's friend D came over and the three of us sang for a few hours. D is one of Liu's oldest friends. I've heard a lot about her over the years, but had never had the chance to meet her. We did our best to sightread some strangely arranged SSA trios before it was time to go out for the evening. Whereas we had gone into the city on Wednesday night, on Thursday is was time for the country bars!

Our first destination was "Big Texas," a dance hall and saloon. I was very happy to be able to smoke inside and quickly commenced to chain smoke for the rest of the evening. (Again-- just like the old days!). The place was pretty empty. There were a few bands playing. I liked one of the singers. (He pointed to me from the stage and later gave me a free t-shirt). At one point, some cowboy came up to the three of us, hoping for a dance. We all three insisted that we didn't know how to two-step, but he kept saying that he could teach us. Finally, due to the fact that this was basically a one-time experience for me, I agreed. The dance floor was circular-- like a running track and we made our way around it a few times. When we tired of that place, we headed over to "Tumbleweeds," a much more happening saloon. There, the dance floor was jam packed and we didn't dare try to break in to all that. Instead, we parked ourselves at a little table near to the dance floor to watch everything that was going on. It was a dangerous spot to be in-- three girls with no men. We had to fend off the suitors who viciously and persistently were upon us. Most of them couldn't take "no" for an answer. There were beer bottles and cowboy hats everywhere. Finally, we moved to a more remote part of the bar, hoping to stay out of the line of fire. Despite the pestering men, I had a great time. One of them told me that I looked like a "yankee." I doubt it though-- he only said that after I told him I was from NY.

On Friday it was off to Galveston. It was a really interesting town. In some ways it felt like the Jersey shore. But there was a whole other side to it-- a historic district with gorgeous old mansions. We parked and got ice cream and poked around a store called "the Golden Mermaid." Then we headed over to tour some of the big houses-- first "Bishop's Palace," built by the Greshem family and then "Ashton Villa" built by the Browns. It was eerily fascinating to hear about the lives of these people and to imagine their social world and their time-- all before the big hurricane of 1900-- a hurricane that killed 8,000 people and ended Galveston's day in the sun. After that, the town basically went into decline. One of the most interesting characters we encountered was "Bettie Brown." Liu had a few more details about her, as she had taken those tours before. I definitely want to learn more about it all.

After touring the houses, we got a bite to eat at a little seafood joint near the seawall and then we headed over to East Beach to lounge around on the gulf. Pelicans swooped down into the sea and jumping fish hopped up over the quiet waves. I've started reading Ulysses and made my way through a few more pages. All three of us waded out in the water, as far as we dare go.

On Saturday Liu and I lounged around, chatted all day and watched Nights of Cabiria. I loved it and can still hear Cabiria crying "Wanda!" in my head. That night, she got tickets for us, her friend Joey and her boyfriend (the Cowboy, in case you forgot!) to go see Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors Tour." It was a great show, including not only Cyndi, but Joan Jett and the B-52's and Andy Bell from Erasure. We sat outside on a huge lawn overlooking an amphitheater.

On Sunday, Liu and I just hung out some more, watching dvd's of Madonna's "Drowned" tour, and excerpts from the Zeferelli Traviata and parts of Aida. I got to make my amends to her and we had a really good chat about the way things were and the way things have changed. Then she took me to the airport.

I have more to say about what's been happening on the Narc front, but I think I'll leave that for a separate post. There were also some difficult things that happened-- my sponsee had a little emotional crisis while I was gone and Bro-in-Law's cousin passed away from cancer. But, I don't want to get overly analytical-- not even about the trip to Texas. This post will stay about friendship and getting out of the city and experiencing new things.

I have to say-- going anywhere else always reminds me that I am indelibly a New Yorker right through to the bone!

love,
h

PS: I have an interview in the morning for a teaching job at a great school for Spring 2009. Wish me luck!!

To Texas!

2008-06-17T23:33:00.002-04:00

Things are a little all over the place right now. Feel like I'm in the midst of a giant mental transition. Weird week with Narc, weird week with seeing babies/pregnant people everywhere.

Weird, weird, weird.

I'm off to Texas tomorrow to visit Liu. I'm feeling more and more like a fish out of water whenever I leave the island of Manhattan. We'll see how I handle Houston.

Hope you are all well out there...!

love,
h

The Great Back-and-Forth

2008-06-09T23:54:00.006-04:00

Sorry for causing your withdrawal, Shorty! That has certainly not been the intention of my absence. It has been helpful for me not to obsess over every little detail of every Narc-interaction by writing it all down here. That said, I miss blogging when I stay away...

Anyway, a lot has been going on. For starters, Bezoukhoff proposed to a girl he's only been dating for a few weeks. I think I'll call her "Medici." I asked him how he knew it was the right thing to do.

"We just click," he said.

God bless him for that!

Things with Narc have been up and down as always. He basically disappeared a few weeks ago-- we went from seeing each other on a semi-daily basis to not seeing each other at all. I think I mentioned that in my last post, as it had already started then. I texted him a few times telling him that I missed him in a "casual" way, and he responded in an equally casual way with something to the effect of: am sure will see you soon, hon!

In any case, the more days that passed, the more anxious I felt. I ended up seeing him on Friday, May 30th and I found out that he had met some new girl (and went on a date with her?)-- a friend of his friend-- and that he was playing phone tag with her all week, while avoiding me. This information made me sick to my stomach, but in a numb way. Who the fuck knows where I emotionally store this stuff at this point... I stayed over his place that night, but didn't talk to him for the next few days after that. On Saturday I went to Bro-in-Law's 30th birthday party and on Sunday I hung out with StarGazer at her apartment for a while and then went to a party at Medici's place in Astoria.

On Monday, Anxious was in town and we met for lunch at Bloomingdale's. I bought a new perfume-- "Bronze Goddess" and I am now obsessed with it. I also bought a bronzer for summer. I'm pretty pale and usually go for wintry looks, so we'll see if I can pull it off.

I sent Narc a text that afternoon:
Is something going on with you???

He wrote back an hour or so later:
Working hon! Weren't you the one who said "with this offer, why aren't you spending every moment on your script...?" Looking to finish this week then. Call soon.

So, I replied:
I'm glad that you're working. I just have the feeling that something else is going on with you. I don't know. Maybe I just need to get out of this...

Trying to get my life together, finally! Surely you know the feeling, he said.

I didn't respond.

On Tuesday after AA, I had dinner with my friend NV. He marveled at the fact that I am still seeing Narc and we had a long talk about it. I really felt my feet at the edge of an enormous cliff, about to take the leap. After what happened with his birthday, not even I can pretend that we have any shot at any sort of future. Still, I feel immobilized and full of fear. NV suggested that I make some lists-- what are some good things that Narc has done for me and what are some bad thing that he's done. Why should I stay with him, and why shouldn't I? I came home and made the lists and nearly posted them here on this blog, but for some reason, I just couldn't click "publish post."

I called my mom later that night and told her that I am lonely. I am. I want a companion and Narc is never going to be that person for me. I was feeling abandoned, but strange. The world seemed to expand in size with each passing day that I didn't hear from him.

On Wednesday I had plans to meet up with B before my voice lesson. He was going to come with me to my lesson and then the two of us were heading over to a "Summer Sing"-- an impromptu singing of the Brahms Requiem. I have a new cell phone and fumbled when it rang on Wednesday afternoon, inadvertently answering it, before I could see who it was that was calling. I was mildly shocked to hear Narc's voice on the other end of the line after his prolonged absence.

"It's been a little while," he said.

"Yeah."

I felt and sounded like a robot.

"Well, I'm not doing anything today," he said. "I'm just lounging around down here, so..."

("So...? So, what?" I wanted to ask. "So... come suck your dick?")

"I'm busy this afternoon," I said. "I'm going to my voice lesson and then to some choral thing with B. I can't hang out."

"Oh, well, no problem, hon! Just give me a call when you're done with all that."

"Yeah... okay, whatever."

I felt unsettled and scared and pissed at myself and pissed at him when I hung up the phone. I headed over to my voice lesson even so. My sponsee called while I was in the cab and being of service to her really helped me take my mind off of my own self-obsession.

I had a decent lesson and B and I had fun at the Brahms rehearsal. A lot of people came over to talk to me at the break and then at the end of the run-through because I stood out as a skilled singer. B seemed annoyed when some guy was talking to me at the end and rudely interrupted us by waving his arms. That prompted a mini-spat between me and B, but it blew over. I was just trying to reach out and make conversation with new people mostly because my mom had told me that if I felt lonely I should try to have a more open energy and talk to everyone I meet.

When I got home that night, I sent Narc a text-- only because he was expecting me to call.

Just back home, but think I'm in for the night...

It took him a little while to respond.

As you like hon. Talk in a bit, he said.

That made me crazy. It made me anxious. I don't know why, but this is clearly the crux of my sickness when it comes to him. I couldn't bear it. So, I wrote back again.

unless you feel like coming up here... I said.

He didn't answer, and so I felt worse and worse. I wrote to him again:
Just let me know soon or I'll assume that's a "no..."

He called around midnight and said that he had been out with his friend Steve at Cercle Rouge.

"If you're down for the night, I don't have to come," he said.

I felt torn and anxious.

"Just come up here, okay?"

I met him at Cheers. He was drinking Jack Daniels with just a splash of diet coke. It looked like iced tea. We sat there and chatted for a while.

"It's over between me and my mom," he said.

"What do you mean?"

"We had it out this week. Actually, she mentioned you," he smiled.

"What? What are you talking about?"

"I called her because I needed some cash and she was being awful about it," he explained. "So, I told her to forget it-- that I could borrow from you or CouchSleeper or whoever. And she actually said not to bother you-- 'Don't borrow money from Hyde. She's such a nice girl... and not after what you put her through when you were in the hospital!' Can you believe her?"

"Wait-- what? Why would she say that?"

"She thinks I put her through something... that I put you through something. I was the one who was sick!" he said. "I was the one going through something. She's always been like this though."

"Narc, you and I have been through a lot... A lot of uncomfortable things and a lot of pain... But showing up for you when you were sick was NOT an inconvenience. It was not a trouble for me. That's ridiculous."

"That's my mother," he said. "And she called me a few days later. She was drunk. She told me not to contact her again-- that she would set something up with the bank that would automatically deposit money for me, so we won't ever have to talk again."

I felt terrible for him and gave him a hug. I just slung my arms around his neck and held on. But, I still thought it was phenomenally weird that his mother even remembered me, let alone brought me up, let alone defended me. So strange...

We stayed there a while longer while Narc had at least another six or seven drinks. FightingMensch was there drinking at the other end of the bar. I haven't seen him in forever! At some point, he was totally blitzed and on his way out. He stopped by to say hello. He told me that he got married.

"Really? Congrats! Who did you marry?"

"Some chick. She likes to shop."

"That's great, congrats," I said again.

"You've lost a lot of weight," he pointed out. "Is that rude of me to say? I mean, is it rude to say it?"

He smiled a drunken, bleary smile.

"No, FightingMensch, it's okay. I think at this point, I've lost enough weight that it would be rude if you were not to say anything."

"But you're healthy, though, right?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm healthy. Very happy."

"Still off the bottle? And you're not seeing that guy anymore are you?"

Oh, god, this was about to get awkward.

"Um... no... everything's good now," I said.

"You're not still seeing that guy?"

He was repeating himself in the way that only drunk people do.

"I hope you're not seeing that guy, Hyde. He was no good for you."

"I'm not seeing him. It's all okay now."

Narc wasn't saying anything through all of this, but I could feel him tensing up. Maybe it was my own tension. Whatever it was, I wanted the moment to pass.

When FightingMensch stumbled out, I turned to Narc.

"Did you hear what he said?"

"Um... no... I wasn't listening," he said.

"What he said about me not seeing that guy anymore?"

"Oh-- whatever."

"You know who he was talking about?"

"No..."

"He was talking about you, Narc!"

We went outside to smoke a cigarette.

"Why would he think I'm so awful?"

"All the shit that used to go down between us-- I got drunk and had a big mouth. I was always heartbroken. You just 'weren't that into me.'"

"If it helps, Hyde, I wasn't 'that into' anyone."

"I doesn't help," I laughed. "But, I showed up with choke marks once... and a black eye once. Remember? They thought that was from you. Also, all the craziness when I was pregnant."

"Oh, man! That guy probably wanted to punch me in the face!"

"That's why I didn't tell him it was you."

Anyway, we came home, had a lot of sex and that was Wednesday night.

On Thursday we had sushi for lunch and then I met up with my sponsor. We played some guitar hero and then I went to AA. When I got out, Narc had left me a message. He invited me to come down to watch some Hitchcock movies. I got there at around 10:00 PM and we watched To Catch a Thief.

On Friday we left his place together, taking the subway uptown. We both had therapy, but in different parts of town. In the afternoon I wandered around Union Square and bought an awesome book called "Apartment Therapy." That night I went to go hear my friend Drew give her first qualification at AA. She was great. Afterwards she wanted to go out. We headed down to the West Village and ate at Isle. Then we parked ourselves at Marie's Crisis and sang the night away. I had a great time getting to know her better. She's got about five months in the program and we have a lot in common. At Marie's the pianist has officially learned my name and told me that his mother's first name is similar to mine. My cell phone battery died just before 1:00 AM, as I forgot to charge it the night before at Narc's. I was slightly anxious about it, but tried to convince myself to stay present, to stay in the moment, and reminded myself that Narc and I didn't have any plans and I don't have to be constantly available.

When I got home at around 3:45 AM and plugged in my phone, I saw that I had missed several texts from Narc. He apparently had gone to Cheers looking for me. He left me a voice message at around 1:30 AM and another several hours later. In the second message, he was so drunk, so obliterated that he couldn't speak. It was a little scary. I dropped the phone and raced out the door to Cheers. The doors were locked, but I banged on the window. BarMan answered.

"Your boyfriend's in the bathroom," the bouncer said.

I went back there and knocked on the door.

"Narc? Narc! Are you okay?"

He finally emerged, his eyes bulging and bloodshot, barely able to walk. I took his hand and led him to the door. PumpedUp looked at me incredulously. I suddenly felt very foolish for a whole slew of reasons.

Back at my place, Narc just wanted to make out and have more and more and more sex, which entailed a lot of sloppy drunk pawing. All of that kept me up until well after 5:00 AM. When he finally passed out, he snored so loudly that I couldn't get to sleep.

On Saturday we slept in until at least 4:00 PM. I cleaned my kitchen for the rest of the afternoon and into the evening while he watched TV. It felt cozy and domestic to me and I felt myself receding into fantasy land, but I was happy for the moment.

In the afternoon, both my mom and Cherubino called and I didn't mention to either that I was with Narc at that moment. I just couldn't deal with it there and then.

"Interesting that you didn't say you were with me," he said.

"Why, are you offended?"

"I'm just saying-- you're supposed to be all about honesty with your whole AA thing and you're not being honest."

"I'm not being dishonest."

"I bet your mom doesn't even know that you've been seeing me since we split in April," he said.

"That's not true. I told her I was seeing you again. She knows how upset I was about your birthday. Besides, why do you care?"

"I don't!" he insisted. "I"m just saying... you're trying to be all honest, so..."

"It just causes aggravation, Narc. They're just going to tell me not to see you."

"Why would they say that?"

"Are you serious? Because this relationship causes me pain. Because you don't want to be with me-- you've made that clear. And they think I deserve more than that."

He didn't say anything.

"Besides, you've done that to me a hundred times!"

"Not really."

"Yes... you're always doing that. I'll be at your house and you'll get on the phone with someone and say you're just bumming around at home or whatever and leave out the fact that I'm there."

"It's not intentional if I did that," he said.

"Not intentional? You even did it in writing!!"

I reminded him of his blog entry from three years ago.

"I spent the whole weekend with you and then you went and wrote about how you did nothing all weekend so you jumped at the chance to have dinner with the Exhibitionist."

"I wouldn't have done that," he said.

"Let's check it out!"

I went online and read him his entry.

"If I wrote that, then we must not have spent the weekend together."

"Oh, really? Well, let's go take a look at my blog from that weekend!"

I read to him how I had met him on Friday night, what he had been wearing, where we had gone for brunch on Saturday, etc.

My point was made.

That night, we headed over to Hooters for a bite to eat. Mostly, we went there as a joke. The food was so heavy that it was practically inedible. And Narc started downing Jack Daniels just to stabilize himself. He didn't remember me getting him home the night before.

We relocated from midtown down to his neighborhood, ending up at The Odeon for dessert. He must have had five or six whiskeys in the hour and wasn't even tipsy. I pointed out that he needed all that just to feel "normal."

"Yeah, I guess my tolerance for Jack is pretty high," he laughed.

It scares me though.

I felt love, but I felt moody.

"Why didn't you invite me to your birthday, Narc!" I asked again, after turning the words over in my head silently for half an hour.

"I didn't DO anything for my birthday!"

"That's not true."

We had the same dumb-ass, pointless conversation yet again. We dropped the subject, unresolved, yet again.

Then we went back to his place for bed.

On Sunday I headed out to Long Island to spend the day with my family. My mom took me shopping for swimsuits at Macy's and then I joined my sisters and grandpa and brothers-in-law lolling around in the pool to escape the sweltering heat that has been upon us. My step-dad came home and barbecued. It was a nice afternoon.

I got back to the city at around 9:00 PM on Sunday night. I showered and changed and headed back downtown to meet Narc again. We watched North by Northwest. He made me a little dish of yogurt and berries and honey.

This morning we slept in and then had lunch at Megu. Afterwards, I went with him while he got his hair cut. Over lunch he told me that I should write a book out of my blog. I like the idea, but told him that I suck as an editor, always struggle with the fact that I can't leave anything out, and would have no idea how to create an overarching storyline.

"I can help you with that," he said. So, later on in the afternoon, he gave me an hour-long lesson about screenwriting structure. I sat at his counter and took notes. It was kind of sweet.

This evening I met up with my sponsee and then had dinner with NDN and his girlfriend, Tamika. NDN has a car for his job, so he drove us over the George Washington Bridge for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory in New Jersey. The portions were fucking enormous! I really like Tamika. She seems like a cool girl and her temperament compliments NDN. I found out that Tamika's best friend is dating a guy who lived in my suite in college my junior year. Weird... After dinner, we stopped briefly at the storage facility (or what NDN likes to call his "drug den") and then came back home.

And that about brings you all up to date on my life. I'm too tired to process anything beyond that for now. Writing such an extensive catch-up has wiped me out! I'm listening to Purcell's music for Queen Mary's funeral. It is dim and quiet in my apartment with just the hum of my airconditioner, soft Baroque melodies and Mr. Rochester's big green eyes. I am hoping the heat wave will pass soon. Next week I'm off to Texas to visit Liu. I'm really excited for the trip.

Anyway, I hope you are all well out there.

lots of love!
h

Start of Summer

2008-05-28T15:34:00.003-04:00

It's been a while since I've posted, huh? It's actually kind of liberating not to be Über-documenting my life. Things have been pretty good. I just finished my semester, turning in all of the grades for my students yesterday. Hey-- it's the first time I did it early. The deadline isn't until midnight tonight!

Things are going really well with my sponsee. It feels great to be helping her; I can actually see all of my emotional and spiritual growth; and she has told me that she feels a lot better since we've been working together. Yay!

Um... what else? I finished that mega paper I was working on all semester and turned it in on May 19th. Given the deadline, it was not exactly what I would have wanted to produce, but it wasn't half bad and I got it done on time.

I barely slept at all that week. I was up super late that Monday working on the paper and then I met Narc and his friend Mike at a bar in my neighborhood. On Wednesday (the 21st), I went to see Indiana Jones with Narc at midnight. The next night, I went out with a huge crowd from the history department at my school. I ended up staying out until nearly 4:00 AM. It was a strange night. Some guy from the Poly Sci department told me that he has a problem with drugs and can't stop. Weird that he talked to me about it. Also-- I met a tattooed timpani player. (If you don't recall, I've always said that I want to marry a tattooed timpani player. I wrote about it a year ago here. Not that I want to marry this guy-- it was just weird to meet one.) That guy got really, really drunk and I offered for him to crash on my couch. He could barely walk. I don't know why I made the offer. Because I'm nuts?

Anyway, it was an interesting night.

On Friday I qualified at a women's meeting. Later that night I went out for TT's birthday. He got a little drunk and was being a little "touchy-feely" but never actually made a move. I was feeling edgy and not in the mood to go home, but not in the mood to stay at Cheers either. So, I went down to Marie's Crisis by myself and sang show tunes until really late. I met a bunch of wacky drunk Australians who kept wanting to pose for pictures with me because I am a good singer. It was entertaining. Narc texted me at around 3:00 AM and I ended up meeting him at Grace closer to 4:00 AM.

So... it was an exhausting week!

This weekend I went to my sister's niece's 1st Communion party on Saturday night and then just worked on grading papers for the rest of the weekend. BigSis and I went shopping on Sunday and I bought some high-heeled shoes. I am normally a sneakers/Doc Martins only girl, but she insisted that I need "sexy" shoes, now that I've lost a ton of weight. I have to say-- she was right about the fact that shoes can transform you. I wore my new shoes to AA last night (as it was May anniversary night) and a million people told me that I looked gorgeous. One guy even sent me a text this morning repeating it. I feel awkward when people compliment me, but it still feels good. :)

I haven't seen Narc since I left his place on Saturday morning. I'm not sure why, but we just seem to have cooled this week. I think it's a good thing. I've slept by myself in my own bed for the past four nights in a row and although it felt weird on night two, it felt normal by night four. And it should feel normal!

Yesterday morning I went with Big-Sis and Bro-in-Law to their sonogram appointment. I had my first glimpse of my future niece! She was playing with her feet and moving her mouth open and shut like a little guppy. It was so amazing and such a miracle. It filled me with such a sense of serenity and well-being. It must just be a God thing. I'm still feeling it today.

Anyway, I have to head out to a voice lesson in a few. I'm looking forward to a lot this summer. I'm heading to TX in mid-June to visit Liu. And I signed up for a rafting/camping weekend with some AA friends in July. I'm teaching a class on 19th and 20th century European Intellectual History and that starts in July. I better get started on planning that course! Plus, I have two other INCs to wrap up, God-willing.

So... that's it for now. Hope you are all well out there!!

love,
h

Guess what??

2008-05-18T20:17:00.000-04:00

I have my first sponsee!

:)

h

I heart Status Quo

2008-05-17T22:43:00.004-04:00

For a girl who's trying to wean herself from blogging, I'm not doing too well...

Anyway-- how to make a long story short? I caved in short order. I didn't talk to or hear from Narc at all on Monday or Tuesday. By Tuesday night I felt sick. Tuesday was a strange day overall. My cab got in a little accident on my way to teach. I walked from teaching to AA, across Central Park and bumped into another woman from my home group who kept me company. It's weird-- I was feeling grounded and calm on the one hand (perhaps the effect of my sobriety anniversary) and I also felt angry and more and more sure that this thing with Narc is over and not what I want. But it all brought on a new sort of terror that rolled over me in waves. I felt like I was standing in front of an enormous gaping void, or being asked to walk off of some kind of cliff and believe that I wouldn't fall. I was anxious and nauseated and sad.

I don't like being uncomfortable.

I was watching American Idol. David Cook started to sing "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" and I started to bawl. So... on an impulse I called. He didn't pick up and I didn't leave a message. Instead, he texted me back.

Narc: Just saw missed call. What's up?

Hyde: I don't know. Just wanted to talk to you. Don't know what I was going to say. Guess I miss you. Watching Idol...

Narc: Miss you too, but unfortunately don't know if I have anything new to say or offer you...

Hyde: :( This sucks. I hate it. I have been sad all day.

Narc: I know it sucks but don't know what else to say... Wish you were here. Burying myself in GTA otherwise for the distraction

Hyde: I love you.

Narc: Love you too.

(A few minutes went by while I cried some more)

Narc: E's people turned us down today as well. Alas. No London.

Hyde: I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm not doing too well, to be honest. Want to be together tonight and ignore all this completely just for the night?

Narc: I think we can do that...

Hyde: K. Am on my way.

And so it goes... And so-- I went.

On Wednesday we went to Battery Park to feed his favorite ducks. We got sandwiches from the Bouley bakery and sat in the shade and ate them. I had a great voice lesson later that afternoon. And I had sushi with Bezoukhoff for dinner. Back at my place, Bezoukhoff and I listened to "Miss Saigon" and joked about putting up an online dating profile for me.

"What the fuck?" I said. "Maybe I should just do it."

So... I did. But honestly, you guys-- I don't think I'm ready for that. Not in the middle of all this.

Anyway, at around 12:30 AM, Narc texted me that he was downstairs at Cheers. So, Bezoukhoff and I went to meet him. They are trying out something new-- "Rock Band" on Wednesday nights. Narc and I did two numbers-- he on voice and I on guitar.

Deee-niii-aaall!!!!

So-- he came back to my place and kicked back and I heated up food for him and slept in his arms and swallowed those feelings of degradation and rejection and lived in the moment as much as I could.

Thursday was an interesting day. I worked for a really long time on my paper, B and I saw Iron Man (for the second time) and I went to the history department party at school. I saw Hammer there-- I haven't seen her in ages!! I chatted with my advisor for a while and played some trivia with Bezoukhoff's new crew of friends in the department. Afterwards I went out for drinks with them. Bezoukhoff, just having broken up with his girlfriend of six years, seems to have found new love in our department! He was romancing a girl (I have to choose a name for!) and I chatted with a few of the students that I didn't know very well. We headed across the street and did a few karaoke songs, and that was fun. From there I went uptown to my AA group's anniversary watch for one of our members. I ended up talking to a newcomer for a long time at the diner.

Anyway, I didn't talk to Narc that night, as he went to a taping of The Daily Show and then out drinking with friends into the wee hours. I actually had a voice mail from him when I woke up-- one that he left while wasted, at around 7:00 AM.

But Friday was a work day for me. I worked and worked. I went to the New York Public Library and worked and worked. It sucked, lugging my laptop around in the rain. Then, that night I went to an AA meeting on the Upper West Side. Afterwards, I went out for dinner with a big group. We went to Ruby Foo's to celebrate Cherubino's 4-year anniversary. Narc texted me a few times, but I told him I wasn't free until later.

Back at my place, I talked to another newcomer on the phone for a long time and then went downstairs to meet NDN's new girlfriend. She seems really nice. The two of them went up to some little bed and breakfast on the Hudson this weekend, so we'll have to see how all of that develops. I hung out with them until just after 1:00 AM. Narc was out with CouchSleeper at that point and invited me to join them.

I did. I met them at "Grace" in Tribeca and we hung out there until around 3:30 AM or so. CouchSleeper got pretty drunk and was singing tunes from West Side Story. He used to be a professional horn player and even played in a production of Aida, which he had me listen to on his iPod.

Back at Narc's place, I took a shower and then we had super, amazing sex, which only made me sad because it all has to end. I know that we love each other-- it was the kind of amazing sex you can only have once you love each other-- but it has to end.

I don't think we got to sleep until after 6:00 AM!

Anyway, today I had a lot more work to do on my paper. While I was still at his place earlier in the day, his friend J-- some girl that lives in his building-- came down to watch Point Break.

"Are you guys open-minded?" she said. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, sure..."

"Want some?"

She took out a bag of coke and waved it in the air. Oh my fucking god, my stomach flipped over. I've been around a lot of alcohol since I've been sober, but the coke plucked some wire or nerve in my brain. It was boring into me.

"No thanks," I said.

"Yeah, none for me either," Narc half-laughed. "Hyde is on the straight and narrow and I'm not feeling it right now. Maybe I'll have a bump later or something, but none for now."

The idea of Narc doing coke later made me feel sick. I worry about him. He's really out of shape and had that blood clot problem that landed him in the hospital. I swear, he's going to kill himself. (My therapist asked me if that's what I'm waiting for).

His friend seemed embarrassed and put it back into her purse, but I couldn't forget that it was there. I had to get out.

"I don't think I'll get too much work done with the movie on," I said. "I better take off."

So... I did. It was a good thing. I had a lot of work to do anyway.

Tonight it's raining and I'm safe and sound in my house. But I know that he's out with his friend Robyn and CouchSleeper again and it makes me feel uneasy. All of this is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong-- dis-ease.

But I don't want to stare that gulf in the face again. It scared the shit out of me.

I love him I hate him I love him I hate him.

Fuck it. It's not about him. I'm scared. And I love Status Quo.

-h-

The Litmus Test

2008-05-13T14:36:00.005-04:00

So, it was an eventful weekend-- the end to an eventful week. On Saturday evening, I was heading out to Jake's birthday dinner when I made a pit-stop at the ATM. It wouldn't let me withdraw any money, telling me that I had "exceeded the daily limit." The only problem? I hadn't left my house that day. After an hour or so on the phone with Chase it turns out that someone in China had been stealing my money for two days and had taken about $1000. I still can't access my own bank account. It sucks.

In any case, I continued on and met Jake and his friends for dinner and then drinks at Forbidden City, followed by a stroll around the East Village, ending up at a dismal karaoke place on St. Mark's. The whole time I was anxious about the fact that Narc was ignoring me on his birthday. I had made it abundantly clear at least half a dozen times in the last month or so that it was important to me to be invited out this year and that it hurts my feelings that he doesn't invite me. The last few times I mentioned it, he told me that he didn't have anything planned for his birthday.

He was out Friday night and never answered my birthday text. I wrote again on Saturday morning and he never answered. I wrote again at around 4:00 PM that I was worried about him. That time he answered, telling me that he was getting lunch with CouchSleeper and would call later. I texted again around 9:00 PM and then again at around 11:00 PM, this time writing that "I guess he didn't want to meet up after all." I was sick about it though. I had been waiting for quite some time to see how he would handle his birthday.

At around 12:30 AM, I went into the bathroom at Forbidden City and called him. Obviously, he didn't pick up.

"It's me," I said. "And I have to tell you-- I'm really disappointed. You knew how important it was for me to see you on your birthday, or at least to get a phone call, and... Well, I don't know what else there is to say about it, except that I'm sad and very, very disappointed. I can't do this anymore, Narc. I don't want to have this conversation with myself in a voice mail and certainly not on your birthday, but we need to talk. This isn't working for me. We really need to talk."

At least I managed, somehow, to have a good time with Jake and the others. At the end of the night, it was just me and Jake, and P and her fiancee. P is a friend from college that I rarely ever see. I'm more in touch with her through other people. Jake and I made a pact that if we're both still single at 45 that we would marry each other.

"My 45 or your 45?" I asked (as he's a few years older than I am).

"Your 45," he said.

"Fine."

I thought it was funny.

Anyway, we all got a slice of pizza, went to the karaoke place and then I headed home at around 2:00 AM.

I'm sure you can guess what happened next.

At 2:30 AM or so, Narc called. He was wasted. I was furious.

"What do you want?" I asked.

He wanted to come up to my place. I told him "no." He said he was coming anyway. I told him not to and that I would tell my doorman not to let him in. I was FURIOUS.

We started to fight.

"Fuck you, Hyde!" he said.

"No! Fuck YOU!!!"

I hung up the phone on him. He called back. The whole thing repeated three or four times.

"It's no big deal," he said. "I was just out with CouchSleeper, Mike and LAGirl. I want to see YOU now. I'm in love with you. I'm fucking in love with you."

"You have to be KIDDING me!" I exclaimed. "You were out with LAGirl? Is this a fucking joke? I don't even care anymore, Narc. Get the fuck away from me."

I hung up on him again. He sent me a text. It was after 3:00 AM.

Don't ever talk to me again. Ever. You dumb fucking whore, he wrote.

I didn't answer him.

He called a few minutes later.

I didn't pick up.

"Hyde, what's going on?" he slurred in his message. "This is not a fucking big deal..." He went on like that for a while.

I ignored it and went to sleep.

The next day I headed out to Long Island for Mother's day. He called and texted mid-afternoon, saying "Give a call when you can," but I continued to ignore him. I didn't want to let him interrupt my time with my family. I wasn't sad. I wasn't sick. I was still furious. Finally!!! The anger has arrived!

I had a lovely afternoon with my family and got back to the city at around 9:00 PM. I called him.

"So... what were we fighting about last night?" he asked.

"You're going to act like you don't remember?"

"I don't."

"So, you don't remember calling me a 'dumb fucking whore'?"

"Oh... I did? Why was I mad?"

"That's all you have to say?"

"What else do you want me to say? I was drunk!"

"How about: Oh my god, I can't believe I called you that! I'm SORRY."

"Whatever, Hyde-- I was drunk. It doesn't count. It doesn't mean anything."

"Whatever."

I told him why I was upset-- about the birthday, about the fact that I had told him over and over and over and over and over that it hurts my feelings not to be invited, about the fact that it hurts even more that he invited LAGirl.

"I didn't invite her. She invited herself... she just called me."

"I called you too! But you ignored me all day!!!"

He got defensive, arguing everything he could think of from "you wouldn't have wanted to be there, we were drinking" to "I didn't make any plans, it just happened" to "I don't have to justify myself to you!" to "I don't owe you anything-- it was MY birthday!"

I just stayed calm and kept repeating my point-- that even if it was thoughtlessness and not cruelty, that thoughtlessness was the problem-- that he couldn't/wouldn't ever consider my feelings. I reminded him that I found girls' phone numbers on bar-napkins in his kitchen and that I knew that LAGirl had been at his place on Thursday and he never mentioned it to me.

"And as for your birthday," I went on, "If I were your girlfriend, you would have invited me," I said.

"Obviously. But you're not!!"

"That's exactly my point, Narc. This makes no sense. You've made a commitment not to have sex with anyone else; I sleep with you almost every night; I tell you I love you and you tell me you love me; we've been together for four years. This makes no sense!!"

"I don't know, Hyde. I DO love you, but I love a lot of my friends."

"You don't love me differently than you love your other friends?"

"No. Well, sort of... But, you're not a priority. You're not the focus of my life. I mean, I thought we had this chill thing between us."

"We have such different experiences of this relationship, it's ridiculous," I laughed. "And there's no point in arguing or debating. The bottom line is that I can't do this anymore."

"Can't do what?"

"I can't be with you anymore unless I'm your girlfriend. I need the honor, respect, recognition, security and all of it that comes with being your 'girlfriend.' Do you think I'd be jealous of LAGirl if you told her that you had a girlfriend?"

"She knows you exist," he said.

"Yeah-- that you're fucking some girl? Nice."

"I love you and I want you in my life," he said.

"Me too. But I'm done with this."

He got angry and accused me of manipulating him-- of trying to force his hand with another ultimatum.

"I'm not!" I insisted. "I love you. I honestly want you to be happy. I want you to make right choices for you. I don't want to force anyone to be my boyfriend. I'm just saying that this is horrible for my self esteem. I feel like I'm not good enough for you."

"I'm the one who's not good enough for YOU!" he said. "I can't give you what you want-- we have different goals for the future."

"Narc, this is killing me and it has to stop. I have to take care of myself. It's my responsibility. And as I see it, we have three choices-- keep the status quo--"

"Which keeps you in pain," he interjected.

"Stop seeing each other,"

"Which would be incredibly painful for both of us," he said.

"Or change the situation to make it bearable for me."

He was quiet.

"I don't know what that means or what I can do."

"I want a boyfriend Narc."

He kept trying to convince me to see him that night. He knows that he owes me money and my account is blocked, so he said he wanted to pay me back.

"I don't know," I said. "I'll call you later and let you know."

We hung up the phone shortly after that. Then he texted me, about an hour later.

Narc: So...What's the plan?

Hyde: I think I need to wait until we work this out. My self-esteem needs it. You could just mail me the money? Or drop it with my doorman when you can...?

Narc: Are you sure? I mean, going to see you again at some point soon anyway... Don't like the thought of you not having money.

Hyde: Yeah. I'm sure. This situation and my feelings about you and me are way more important to me than immediate money. If I run out, I can prob borrow from NDN...

Narc: Ok, will miss sleeping next to you tonight.

Hyde: Will miss you too. But please just give it all some thought. The more I sit with it, the clearer everything is becoming.

Narc: I can think about it, but I just don't know if I'll come up with anything.

Hyde: If you can't you can't. You can only do what's right for you. But let me know. I can only do what's right for me.

Narc: Well, I know I love you and am feeling lonely and wish you were here now. That' s about it...

Hyde; Me too.

Then, half an hour later:

Narc: Also, those phone numbers and e-mail addresses you saw were three-- two girls and one guy, all of whom I met as a group, just to clarify...

Hyde: Ok.

And that was it.

Yesterday I went to the library all day and gave a presentation in my class that night. Today is the last day of teaching classes, although I still have to give the final exams.

But, his birthday. I wanted so badly for him not to disappoint me. I told him over and over and over before it got here, hoping he would get the point. It was a litmus test for me and he failed.

This may be the end. I wonder when it will resolve. I'm not going to call him. I wonder when I'll hear from him.

love,
h

Happenings

2008-05-10T12:59:00.002-04:00

Congratulations to me-- yesterday was the two year anniversary of my sobriety.

I spent most of the day working on a paper at Narc's place; then I went to a meeting and then my best friends all met at a diner on the Upper West Side to mark the occasion. It was a great night, despite the rain.

Wednesday was the anniversary of when my dad passed away. A tough day altogether. I woke up at Narc's, left him on the Lower East Side in a cab, took the Circle Line Cruise to be reflective on the water, had a voice lesson, prayed, and then Narc came back over here. I made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He was appreciative. He said he never ate one before. (He also recently told me that he has never slow danced).

Other than that, I am super stressed about wrapping up the semester. Things with Narc and I still aren't good, even though we hang out nearly every day. He is still hanging out with LAGirl and it still makes me sick and sad. Today is his birthday and I texted him last night just after midnight. He hasn't answered and he hasn't called today either. I'm sure he's spending it with his other friends (or maybe even LAGirl-- I know she was at his place the other day) and not with me. Again... sick and sad.

But I don't want to dwell. I'm tired of dwelling.

In other news, B got a full time tenure-track job teaching writing at a local college in the fall; NDN has a girlfriend for the first time in a while; Bezoukhoff broke up with his girlfriend... um... and I guess that's it for the moment.

Just wanted to pop in and say something, even though I am trying to stop dwelling and obsessing! Ok... off to get dressed now. Am going to try to make my own independent plan today, even though it's N's birthday. I'm going to take my laptop to a cafe and work on my paper. Then I'm going to go to the AA meeting tonight. Then, my friend Jake is having a birthday dinner and karaoke thing tonight, so I can always go to that if I'm not too tired. Tomorrow I'm off to Long Island for Mother's Day.

Hope you're all well!

love,
h

Disappearing Hyde

2008-05-01T13:53:00.002-04:00

I don't know what to write right now or even how to write about myself. In a way, I think it's better for me to stop chronicling every conversation, every text message, every obsession. I am thinking about starting a new blog that focuses only on my intellectual life and not on my personal life. I need the reinforcement.

Anyway, I've been insanely busy. Last weekend my mom threw a huge birthday party for my stepbrother's 21st birthday. A lot of his old friends came-- from before the accident. It was really nice. That night, Narc came up and we did karaoke at Cheers. The next night I went to a big disco party organized by my AA group. I wore a fabulous '70's dress that I picked up at a thrift shop, along with silver glitter platforms that I bought in Spain when I was 16.

I hung out with Narc almost all week this week. I went for dumplings with him on Sunday afternoon. On Monday we lounged at his place and watched Eyes Wide Shut. It's his favorite movie and he gave me some running commentary. On Tuesday, I taught all day, went to AA and then went back to Narc's. On Wednesday we went to see the cherry blossom festival at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. I smelled the lilacs and we strolled around the Japanese pond. From there I went straight to a voice lesson (where I worked on "Ritorna vincitor") and then to yoga and then to my Flamenco class. (Planta, tacon, golpe!) Then at midnight, I met Narc and his friend Alexandra at Cercle Rouge. She was pretty drunk. He and I hung out and ate dinner and then I watched him play some "Grand Theft Auto IV" and we watched the Idol results.

Um... so, that's it for now. I'm back in my office, having just taught one class on the Holocaust. I may be here a little less often. Like I said-- I don't think it's helpful right now for me to indulge in my obsessive thinking. There's so much going on this month-- all of my writing deadlines, the anniversary of my dad's death (on May 7th), my sobriety anniversary (on May 9th), Narc's birthday (on May 10th), Mother's Day (on May 11th), and oh yeah-- ALL OF MY WRITING DEADLINES. I'm a little stressed.

But I hope you are all happy and healthy out in Blogland. I am in surprisingly good spirits.

love,
h

PS: James actually is moving to LA (this week, I think), and apparently his mom has set him up with some gig as a male escort. Oy...

Check

2008-04-23T16:50:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was a big day-- VJ had a baby! And Meema had her 2-year anniversary. I spent the day shopping for Summer dresses. I bought a few things at H&M and the Gap.

On Sunday night I met up with the Stallion-- he was in town visiting. We met at Union Square, ate at Saigon Grill, walked through Washington Square Park and ended up at the Fat Black Pussycat. He really wanted me to have him back to my place, but I couldn't/wouldn't do it.

Afterwards I went down to see Narc and felt a lot better. He was at Cercle Rouge and he was drunk. We made out in the street, in a doorway. Back at his place, we played Wii golf and he made me an avatar with blue eyeshadow. He told me that he loves me.

I can't hear anything anymore.

We spent the day together on Monday and then I went to a yoga class. Afterwards, Narc and I ate dinner at a nearby pub and then played Guitar Hero into the wee hours of the night.

Tonight I have my flamenco class. I'm getting my hair highlighted tomorrow. My hair grows so slowly, it's frustrating. I wish it were as long as it used to be.

Anyway, that's it for now... just a quick check in...

love,
h

Shea Stadium

2008-04-19T22:32:00.004-04:00

I had acupuncture this week.
I had many revelations while talking to my sponsor.
I saw Narc again and am still confused about our relationship/non-relationship.
I went to a SLAA meeting (and saw someone I knew).
I just got back from my family's place for Passover.

On the train to Long Island, I passed Shea Stadium. They are building a new stadium right next to the old one. (The new one is called "Citifield" I think).

Right now, the two stadiums are standing next to each other-- the old one and the new, not quite finished. They are crowding that space. There is no room or need for two stadiums. But the old can't quite be demolished just yet. That's kind of how I feel about my life right now-- about myself.

Anyway, I've also been giving a lot of thought to the purpose of this blog.

I tried on my high school graduation dress tonight. It fits me again.

BigSis and Bro-in-Law decided on a name for their baby, but I'm going to keep quiet about it for the time being.

That's it for now.

love,
h

Fontainebleau!

2008-04-16T23:38:00.004-04:00

(su voi schiude il pensier i vanni!)

Feeling good for once... So, I thought I'd post to keep this blog from being all gloom and doom!

I just ate an orange and I'm tired in a good way. Today was a good day. The weather was gorgeous, I got to go to therapy (which I wait for every week!), I got a pedicure and then as a nice surprise, met B for lunch.

After lunch with B, I went over to my voice lesson, where I saw Cherubino for a few minutes, and then had a kick ass lesson. I had been sort of hating the aria I'm working on-- Tu che le vanita from "Don Carlo." But today I loved it! I totally get it on an emotional level. In fact, even though it's Elizabeth Valois singing about her homeland in France and her love for her stepson, I could totally relate.

After that, I called a new woman that I met at AA on Monday-- the meeting I spoke at-- and we had a really nice chat. She made a suggestion to me (one still to personal to write about just yet), but it gave me something to think about.

Then I ordered in some takeout, watched an episode of One Life to Live (Todd is being deliciously maniacal these days!) and then I got dressed for my latest adventure-- Flamenco classes. I signed up for a five week workshop at a dance studio in Times Square.

The class was awesome. I'm sure I'll have more to say about it in the coming weeks, but I don't feel like processing anything right now.

Then I chatted with my mom and ate the aforementioned orange.

So... Narc ignored my text today. So... I'm anxious. So... what? So what? It's out of my control. My therapist thinks I need to accept feeling my feelings.

And overall, I have to say-- I have a pretty interesting and blessed life.

So... that's it for now. Perhaps I'll be back with more tomorrow.

love,
h

Nausea

2008-04-15T14:47:00.011-04:00

So, I'm back in my office, in between classes-- the only place I seem to want to sit down and blog these days. I had a busy weekend. (Maybe it wasn't busy... maybe it only seemed that way).

On Thursday night I was anxious and depressed because I knew that Narc was out with friends, including LA-Girl. I texted him and he never texted me back. I know he went to some movie premiere and I'm pretty sure he brought her. So-- even if he's not fucking her, he's still kind of dating her.

I woke up on Friday feeling pissed off. I went to the history department lounge to get some work done and B came and met me there. I barely got any work done even though I was there all day. My brain just doesn't want to wrap itself around this paper!! Narc texted me at around noon, something like "Dying... need Gatorade...and Hyde!" But I was angry, so I ignored it. I didn't write back until several hours later, telling him that I was in the library. He said to call when I got out.

When I did call, I heard sirens in the background.

"Where are you?" I asked.

"In a cab on my way to you."

"Narc! How did you know I was going to be home? I'm just on my way home now."

"I figured if you weren't home, I'd hang out at Cheers and wait for you," he said.

I thought it was kind of pushy.

Anyway, we got to my place at around the same time. Then we headed out to a local pub to get dinner and he had a few drinks. I wanted to check out a piano bar that opened just a few blocks from me, where I know one of the pianists. So, we headed over there at around 11:00 or so.

There were hardly any people there-- me, Narc and a handful of others, so the pianist kept calling me up to sing solo numbers and it was nice because it boosted my self-esteem, getting to sing in front of people to floods of compliments. I think Narc had fun too. He was acting sweet and I felt really close to him. After I sang one song, he looked so proud of me that I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

From there, we went over to Cheers and sang U2's "One" in karaoke. They have some new Friday night karaoke girl, but BarMan was behind the bar. Some girl tried to buy coke off me in line for the bathroom. You should have seen her face when I told her I was "sober." I thought it was really funny.

The next day, we woke up and decided to make a stew in my slow cooker. Narc dubbed it the "Braveheart Stew." It actually came out really good, although it took six hours to cook. It was fun cooking with him. For the rest of the afternoon, I tried to do some school work while he played video games. We named our guitar hero band "Smart Water." (Although, as I pointed out to Bezoukhoff-- perhaps it is evidence of a problem when the only thing we have in common is STILL the type of beverage we like to consume.)

On Saturday night I had to leave for a little while to go to a friend's 1-year of sobriety celebration. Narc stayed behind at my place. We went to bed by 2:00 AM.

On Sunday I was supposed to resume work on my paper, but found myself endlessly procrastinating. We ate leftover stew and watched A Streetcar Named Desire. Narc checked his online banking and started freaking out that of the $5000 he just got at the beginning of the month, only $800 was left. I suspect that wining and dining other women isn't good for his wallet.

He left my place at around 5:30 PM and I felt depressed. I should have gotten some work done, but instead, I watched TV for a few hours before falling asleep. Oh-- and Pixie called and read me a mega-10th step. Our conversation really helped me a lot.

Yesterday was a strange day. I had to speak at an AA meeting downtown in the afternoon. When I got there, I found out it was a topic meeting and quickly had to throw something together. Pixie and StarGazer came to hear me. At the meeting, some 19 year old girl came up and asked me if I was looking for a sponsee. I told her I was and asked her if she wanted to have coffee after the meeting. It was a little disturbing though, as I suspect she has some mental illness other than alcoholism. She said that she only started drinking so that she could join AA. She wanted to make herself into an alcoholic. She also told me that she molested a little girl once and already "made an amends" to that girl's mother. I suspect that she's not an alcoholic at all, but rather, is just seeking attention somehow. If that's the case, I can't help her and to be honest-- don't want to. In any event, I gave her my phone number and invited her to my home group's meeting tonight. I'm not sure that she'll come. I asked my sponsor's sponsor for advice about it and he told me to set very firm boundaries and to ask her to write a detailed first step. If her problem is really other than alcohol, I can refer her elsewhere.

So... after that bizarre coffee date, I went to the library to meet Bezoukhoff. I actually managed to pull my un-gelled ideas together into some kind of basic outline-- enough so that I was able to email my advisor with it today. We stayed in the library until around 6:30. Then we headed downtown for dinner and a movie.

I texted Narc earlier in the afternoon that I would be downtown, if he wanted to meet up later, but to let me know by 10:00. He wrote back that he had Tarot class until 9:00 and might be "working" afterwards. I know that he has seen LA-Girl the past several Mondays and I knew that he was trying to arrange a meeting with her again. It made me feel sick.

Bezoukhoff and I ate at Isle-- my first meal of the day. Before that, I had been running on three pretzel rods, a red bull, a double espresso and a piece of sugar free gum. (Sorry, NDN!)

The movie was really interesting and definitely worth seeing. It raised questions about the relationship between sexuality and trauma on a culture-wide level, and also about the nature of memory. It left me with a lot to think about.

Afterwards, we walked over to The Tea Spot to process the movie together. We talked about the film for a while and then about history and then about Narc and then about Bezoukhoff's relationship stuff. I have to say-- I was feeling sick again that I hadn't heard from Narc. I was sure he was with LA-Girl.

We stayed there, chatting over tea, until 11:00 PM when the guy behind the counter kicked us out.

My anxiety was mounting and I felt sicker than ever. I really thought I might throw up over it all. I called him and he didn't pick up. I didn't leave a message.

Just five minutes later the phone rang. I was surprised to see that it was him.

"Where are you?" I asked. "It sounds like you're out."

"Yeah-- I'm just in this place downtown. Um... I stopped for a drink and a burger on my way home from my class."

"Downtown where? I'm already in a cab on my way back to midtown."

"I'm actually on Second Avenue."

"How'd you end up there?" I asked. (Knowing, full well, that LA-Girl lives in the East Village).

"I just wandered over here on my way home."

"But your Tarot school is near Penn Station. How did you end up all the way across town when you were on the West Side and you live on the West Side?"

"I don't know... I sometimes like to walk through Union Square to poke through the bookstore."

"Which bookstore?"

Anyway, the conversation went on like that. I felt barely functional on the phone. I contemplated telling him how sick I felt, but I didn't say anything.

"Well, since you're already on your way home, another night then," he said.

I was sure he said that because he was out with her.

"No, I don't mind meeting you where you are," I said.

(Is this a good idea, Hyde? You really aren't feeling well).

"Well, I'm going to get up early," he said.

"I don't mind getting up early! I have to teach tomorrow," I interjected.

I basically left him little choice but to say "fine, come on down here."

When I got there, he was indeed at the bar by himself, but when the bill came it said he had ordered buffalo wings and a burger and three beers. That's a lot for one person to consume alone, but it wasn't clear evidence of two. (I hate that I am thinking this way!!! It's fucked up.)

He looked so tired and so depressed. It was actually a little frightening. I asked what was wrong and he said that his class did another reading for him and they were all badgering him and wouldn't leave him alone and they misrepresented him. When I asked how so, he shrugged it off and wouldn't give me an answer.

We left the bar and stopped at a deli for sandwiches and junk food (a clue that he couldn't have eaten all that, right?) and then went back to his place. We ate, watched the Colbert Report and went to sleep. He didn't sleep well and kept getting up in the night. Then he woke me up this morning at 9:00.

He is trying to get a certain actress to do his film and it turns out that LA-Girl has a friend who knows the actress' agent in London. She set up a phone call for him and I guess he wanted me to leave before he made the call. At least, that's what he said. It seems strange to me, though, and I can't help but think that there's something more going on. He said he might have to go to London in a few days and if he does, that he's going with his friend the Shark. That also sounds suspect. I'm pretty sure he will ask (or has asked) LA-Girl to go with him if he has to go.

Ugh. This is fucking miserable.

Anyway, I left there, came to my office, wrote a quiz, emailed my advisor and now here I am, about to go teach the second round of Fascism and Stalinism.

My class starts in two minutes and I still have to run spellcheck on this thing, so I'll leave it at that.

love,
h

PS: BigSis found out that there's a 90% chance she's having a girl. I am super psyched.

"Conflict is the original meaning of being-for-others"

2008-04-10T13:59:00.010-04:00

Thanks, Sartre.

I don't want to be in conflict anymore.

Um... Yeah.

I'm kind of embarrassed to even write this post.

So... I finished off Tuesday rather miserably. I went to AA and tried to be happy, but ended up blabbing to too many people about the nature of my "break-up." Then I went home and in my despair wrote Bezoukhoff a series of absurd texts.

I took a sleeping pill and went to bed at around midnight.

Something opened my eyes at around 4:00 AM. I realized it was a voice mail beeping on my cell phone. I was groggy, but checked the message. Obviously, it was Narc.

Hey Hyde, it's Narc. Um... I'm actually in your 'hood. Uh... I'm right near you. Uh... Yeah-- some talking involved. Anyway, give me a call back. Alright. Bye.

I didn't know what any of that meant, but I heard music in the background, so I figured he was drunk and rolled over to go back to sleep.

Just as I did, the phone rang again.

"What is it?" I asked, still half asleep.

"I love you and I miss you," he said.

"It's only been a day..."

"I want to renegotiate," he said.

"What does that even mean?"

"I think I'm willing to commit. I want to renegotiate and I'm willing to commit."

"What?"

"Let me come and see you, Hyde."

"Are you serious, though? You really want to commit to me?"

"Yes."

"Ok. Come over."

He did. I opened the door still half asleep. I gave him a diet coke and he smoked a cigarette. He said that on Monday after that awful cab ride, when he went to his tarot class, they were studying two cards-- the Lovers and the Chariot.

"We were in that chariot," he said.

"Huh?"

"We were 'the lovers' in that chariot-- that taxi-- the bridge between the material world and the nearest star."

"What are you talking about?"

"Spiritual and material. If the Earth were a grain of sand right here, the sun would be a grapefruit 60 feet away. And the nearest star? As far as LA. Think about it..."

I asked him what all of this meant to him. He said that his tarot teacher did a reading for him about this situation. The card that represented him was the "Four of Wands." The card that represented me was the "Ten of Swords," pulled upside down.

He explained to me that from his position, he thought that we were fine-- that we were friends and that we were having fun. That was the "top" card, so it was the exterior of our situation. He sees now that for me it was like "sleeping on a bed of nails."

(You only see that NOW? I wanted to shout. Haven't I been telling you for four years that I'm in pain about a lot of this?)

"I'm sorry that I hurt you, Hyde," he said, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "I never meant to hurt you."

It was sweet, I guess, but I couldn't help but think it was all a little theatrical. I think alcoholically and I know what it's like to convince myself of a feeling, even if it's not a deep rooted feeling. I had the sense that he was convincing himself to feel remorse, only for the aesthetic of the scene in which we were suddenly both playing a role.

"I know you didn't hurt me intentionally," I said.

I convinced him to come to bed, as I was drop dead tired (having taken a sleeping pill). I figured the discussion would be more productive in the light of day anyway.

The next morning we had lots and lots of sex and then started to talk. Everything is uglier in the light of day, though.

I asked him to clarify what he meant by "willing to commit."

"I won't sleep with anyone else right now," he said.

"What does 'right now' mean?" I asked.

"Right now means right now! This is what you wanted, Hyde. This is what you asked for and now you have it-- I won't sleep with anyone else, okay?"

"Um... Yeah, but, what does that mean? You won't kiss anyone else?"

"Yes. I won't make out with anyone else."

He looked angry.

"Are you angry with me, Narc?"

"A little," he said, looking away.

"Why??? Don't be mad at me. Can I have a hug?"

He gave me one.

"Just don't push it, Hyde," he said. "You have what you wanted. The more you push it right now, the more I'm getting pissed off."

"I'm not pushing anything!" I insisted. "I'm just trying to clarify."

"I thought I was pretty clear. And to be honest, this is getting more and more repulsive."

"Repulsive? What's repulsive? Making a commitment to me?"

"You giving me an ultimatum," he answered, sourly.

"It's not really an ultimatum, Narc. I'm just saying what I can and can't deal with."

"It is an ultimatum."

"Well, fine!" I exclaimed. "Even if it is, you've been giving me an ultimatum this entire time-- accept things on your terms, or go away."

"I never told you to go away," he said.

"Whatever..."

I was getting dressed, putting on my makeup in the bathroom. He was sitting on my living room couch, staring at the ceiling.

"What are you doing today?" I called over to him.

"Going home; hanging out; waiting for you to get done with your voice lesson. Then you're coming downtown and we're eating dinner at Mai House."

"Uh... okay."

I felt like I had to go have dinner with him at Mai House, even though I had plans for AA that night. "I'm giving you what you asked for!" he said. So, that's it? Now things are back to normal? I owe it to him since he's the one who "conceded?"

Why do I feel like I didn't get what I asked for? Why do I feel like I won nothing at all?

We left my place together, each getting into separate cabs. I headed over to school where I made small talk with Bezoukhoff before therapy.

Therapy was good. When I left I felt clear and strong. I realized that there are certain things that I know that I want. I'm going to list them here:

I want to be able to count on uninterrupted sleep so that I can approach my school work with a well rested brain
I want to be able to count on a going to bed at a reasonable hour so that I can make plans for the morning, like exercise or breakfast and remember to take my vitamins.
I want to devote myself to my scholarly work and to spend more time in the library. I want brain space to think about historical questions in my spare time and to be free of Narc-anxiety.
I want to spend enough time in my own apartment that I can make a routine for keeping it neat and orderly.
I want to wear something other than black shirts, sneakers and jeans every day-- to feel pretty again and to do my makeup and hair and not always be rolling out of bed at his place, or exhausted at my place, stepping into dirty laundry.
I want to feel wanted and to have a good self-esteem.
I don't want to be in conflict anymore.
(I want a real boyfriend-- a companion.)

Now, the question is-- are those things possible if I don't completely break from Narc? I don't know. A huge piece of me says "no, no they're not." But an equally huge piece of me remembers how miserable I was just 12 hours into a break-up. And I feel guilty, because he said he's giving me what I want. How do I ask for more?

Ugh...

So, for the rest of the day yesterday, I tried to just be myself and stay out of my mind's conflict. I went for a walk with Bezoukhoff; I had a great voice lesson (and loved singing the Aida!); and I had coffee with Cherubino.

And yes-- I had dinner with Narc at Mai House. I told him that I bought the solo version of guitar hero because I figured he wouldn't be coming over anymore. I told him that I had given Cherubino my mermaid tarot to hold onto. He didn't like either of those things. Nothing was normal. It's like a page has been turned and we are in a new chapter that we shouldn't be in.

I don't feel jealous of LA-Girl anymore. He said he won't sleep with her. I just feel tired.

We watched American Idol last night and went to sleep without sex.

It is an absolutely gorgeous day out today. I feel pretty in my clothes and started teaching about Fascism.

VJ is going to have her baby any day now and Hammer just won two great fellowships-- a lot of money to write her dissertation. Three of the five professors I need have agreed to sit on my orals committee.

As for Narc? He's going to see some film preview this evening at Lincoln Square. I have a feeling he's taking LA-Girl, although he didn't tell me that part. I honestly don't care.

I don't want conflict anymore. I don't want to "be for others."

Um... that's it for now. I'm too confused to come up with any formal conclusion or bottom line for this post.

love,
h

Amare et Sapere Vix Deo Conceditur

2008-04-09T00:15:00.000-04:00

It hurts.

And I can't breathe.

The Last Drop

2008-04-08T13:55:00.011-04:00

Ok, so I'm sure that this is not the last word on Narc forever, but it has to be the last word for now.

Here's what happened next:

I spent the remainder of Sunday on Long Island with my parents. Mid-afternoon, Narc sent me a text: Brett meets the parents...!

Obviously, he was watching Rock of Love.

I didn't answer.

I got back to the city at around 7:00 PM and didn't know quite what to do with myself other than cry. I talked to my sponsor for a while; I tried to finish fixing my iTunes; I took a shower; I crawled into bed exhausted; I sent him a text.

I am back in the city now. Did you want to talk?

Narc: I guess we should, but don't know if I have the energy for an extended phone conversation just now. Been in all day, probably need to get out or what not.

Hyde: Ok. Well have a good night, then.

Narc: Will talk soon.

Hyde: If there's something to say...

Narc: Just need to get some air now.

Hyde: K.

Narc: I guess I just can't believe that you want to end our friendship because I won't committ to you as a traditional boyfriend would...

Hyde: I'm definitely not going to talk about this over text. Will be downtown tomorrow & can meet for lunch or coffee @ 2 if you want to try to discuss one more time. Seems we can't quite understand each other & it may just end up that way-- that you won't understand why I made a bottom line. You know I love you. You have to know that I'm doing my best...

Narc: Have MA at 3 tomorrow, can meet but must be little earlier than 2.

Hyde: Was gonna go to AA til 1:30 in W Vill. Let me check the mtg book and see if I can find an alternate mtg. Will let you know in a few min.

Ok. There's a 3:15 mtg in midtown I can make. In that case, can meet you at 12:30. Where should we meet?

Narc: Not sure, few options. Will think about it and call tomorrow.

Hyde: Ok. But we're on for 12:30 for sure?

Narc: Yes.

Hyde: K. Have a good night. Hope getting some air helps. I'm gonna catch up with Rock of Love...

Narc: Staying in after all. "Tudors" then sleep early.

Hyde: I'm exhausted too. If I can stay awake to get in the Tudors after this, it'll be a miracle. Enjoy. :)

I don't know how I slept.

The next morning, I woke up, put on something pretty (including some dramatic makeup), and headed downtown to meet Hammer and LilHammer for brunch in the West Village. LilHammer is here visiting for a few days. It was my first chance to see Hammer's engagement ring, which I have to say is absolutely gorgeous. It was nice to chat with the girls and to just feel a little sane for a little while. (Is temporary sanity too much to ask for?) Hammer asked me what I'm going to do differently this time around with this breakup. I still have to think about that, but the primary difference is that I can no longer stand the conditions of my relationship with him. In the past, I've always had a little juice left in me.

Anyway, after brunch at the Cafe Henri, I went back with the Hammer sisters to Hammer's apartment. We said hi to the Alaskan and bummed around there for a while. I was starting to get anxious, as I hadn't yet heard from Narc. I sent him a text asking "Where to?"

He called me at about 12:10. His voice was low and thick (and I loved it). He sounded a little sick though.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah... I just haven't spoken to anyone in two days and I just got up, so I guess my voice hasn't warmed up yet."

"Oh."

We made a plan to meet at Yaffa's at 12:45. I got there first and smoked a cigarette outside. The front entrance was sort of roped off, as they were repaving the sidewalk or something. I saw him coming from about a block away. His hands were pressed against his sides stiffly. His hair was rumpled. My stomach was flipping over.

"Oh, is it open?" he asked.

"Yeah. We just have to go around."

I could barely look him in the eye.

We took two seats at the bar. The bartender knew him and asked him when he was going to LA.

"Oh, I decided to stay here another year," he half-laughed.

"I saw James' two babies," she said. "They're absolutely beautiful!"

Narc made chit chat with her for a few more minutes. I felt dead inside. I hadn't been to Yaffa's in a long time. We used to go there all the time in the Summer of 2005. It was a Sunday night spot.

I don't remember how the conversation got started. I ordered some tiny grilled shrimp appetizer because Narc told me it was good. I can't rehash everything that was said. We talked for a very, very long time.

It was the first time that the truth was on the table and both of us were sober and ready to hear it.

I told him my experience of our relationship-- starting with the days when he wouldn't even take me to brunch. I told him it made me feel like a whore.

"Maybe I was just tired and didn't want to get up," he said.

"It was disrespectful. It hurt."

I told him that it hurt when he never invited me out with his friends. I went through every girl that's ever floated around in our orbit. Even when he came back from Europe in '05 and brought everyone souvenirs and showed them to me, but brought nothing for me. I reminded him how at that very bar in Yaffa's that he told that woman that he "met me a year ago, had a couple of one night stands with me and got me pregnant."

"It hurt!!"

"We weren't supposed to get this involved," he said. "It felt weird to cross over our lives too much. If we act 'together' when we're together, it couldn't be that way with my other friends."

"Yeah, but just keeping the label off it doesn't change the relationship," I explained. "You are still just like a boyfriend to me. I see you almost every day. We have sex. We tell each other that we love each other. By not giving it a label or a commitment, all you do is deny my reality or disrespect me or hurt me."

"You didn't invite me out with your friends either," he said.

I insisted he was wrong and pointed out that he was invited to my party the very first year that I knew him, in 2004.

"I don't remember that. Maybe I was out of town," he said.

"No, you weren't. You were at some friend's thing up in Carnegie Hill and you said you'd stop by on your way home, but you never did."

"I'm not the historian like you, Hyde."

"That's not the point. None of this matters anymore," I said. "I'm just trying to tell you that I've been stretched very thin for a very long time now and I've finally broken. This thing with LA-Girl was the straw that broke the camel's back."

"Funny, considering there's nothing going on there," he answered.

"Funny that you think I'm so dramatic when I've held everything in for so long. When I used to drink, I could drown it away until every now and then it would erupt and I'd go running out of the Patriot crying about something. I don't know what to do with my feelings now. I have nowhere to put them. I'm done."

"I've spent my entire life in pain," he said. "I've been in love with friends countless times and still not abandoned the friendship."

"Maybe I'm too healthy for that now, Narc. Besides, this is not just me having a crush on a friend. You're not just a friend. You've been my lover for years. You tell me that you love me. I love you so intensely, I can't tell you..."

We started to talk about the nature of pain and people's capacity for pain. He took out a napkin and made some point about how if one's capacity for pain was the size of the napkin, removing something painful would make no difference, as something else would just fill up the space.

"That's not my experience," I said. "I've been working so hard to get my life to where I want it to be-- I got sober, I lost so much weight, I'm starting to feel good about myself. I have eliminated pain. My napkin has shrunk."

"That's not how it works, Hyde."

(Was this an argument for why I should stay in a painful situation?)

"In my experience, it is."

"Maybe you're doing this now because you have gotten sober and lost the weight. Maybe that's why you want to move on," he said.

"I don't know," I sighed.

That thought made me feel very confused and very guilty, I don't know why.

The conversation moved in a few different directions after that. I asked him why we couldn't be together.

"And don't give me some bullshit answer like you always do-- that I drink too much, or my house is too messy, or you didn't know I was available, or you're not the knight that I deserve, or I'm not in film. I mean, come on! It's laughable, Narc!"

"Those aren't really the reasons," he admitted. "Those aren't deal-breakers."

"I know that. So, what is it??"

"I don't know... it's not the kind of passion that I am waiting for."

"You don't think we have passion?"

"Yes, but... I'm comfortable with you Hyde."

"Really? I'm not comfortable with you."

"Well, I am... And I want to feel that super intense passion. You don't make me feel like I have to rise to an occasion."

"You and I have very different ideas about love, Narc."

"What is love, if not that feeling?" he asked.

"In my experience, that feeling doesn't last. Love for me is a really deeply rooted care for another person, wanting to take care of that person, wanting to be with that person all the time, a spiritual connection and a physical attraction. That's it."

"Then don't you love all your friends?"

"No. I don't feel like that for all my friends!" I laughed. "I only feel like that about you."

He didn't answer.

I kind of couldn't believe that he said that. In my experience, all we had was passion. In my experience, the passion and the insane attraction was the core of the relationship.

"I don't want to push you into a relationship-- into anything, Narc. I just didn't want us to stop seeing each other."

"I don't want that either," he interjected.

"I know. So, I was just trying to find a way to make it doable. I was just trying to figure something out that would give me some peace of mind. I can't go on feeling anxious and insecure and sick all the time. It's interfering with every other area of my life. It's self-destructive. I just thought that a commitment in the here and now might make it possible for me to stay."

"I just wish you wouldn't go, on the one in ten thousand chance that I might start seeing someone else! Or sleep with someone else!"

"Well, I just wish you wouldn't let me go, on the one in ten thousand chance that you might sleep with someone else..."

We talked for a while longer, but the conversation really got us nowhere. It was nearing the hour of departure. I wanted to touch him. I put my hand on his knee.

"Can I have a hug?" I asked.

"Sure."

I stood up off my bar stool and leaned into him and buried my face in him. He held me so tightly for a long time. Then the waitress brought the check.

"What time do you have to be at Martial Arts, again?"

"3:00."

"Hmm..." I smiled.

"What's so funny."

"No-- I was just going to say something, but I shouldn't."

"What?"

"I don't know, Narc."

"What is it?"

"Well... do you want to go back to your place and have sex one last time?"

(I couldn't believe I just said that).

"Do you think that's a good idea?" he asked.

"I think it's a great idea."

"Um... Well, yeah, sure. Ok."

We paid the check and walked outside. I lit his cigarette. Neither of us said much on the walk home, except that he pointed out the doctor's office where his blood clot was misdiagnosed a few years ago.

Back at his place, I sat on the couch and unlaced my boots. He drank some Gatorade out of the fridge and then walked into his bedroom and started to undress. I followed him.

They're not kidding, what they say about "breakup sex." It was absolutely insane. So much joy and so much pain at the same time.

We lay in bed for a while after that.

"I don't want this moment to ever end," I said.

"Shh... We have a while longer."

Then we had sex again. Obviously, he skipped his Martial Arts and I skipped AA.

After a little while, Narc got up and said he had something for me. I've been asking for some of his photos for a while (he has taken some really gorgeous landscape pictures) and he tried to print out two of them for me-- a sunrise and a sunset. But the printer wouldn't print the photos exactly right, as they kept coming out with borders. Eventually he just emailed me the files so I can get it done at Kinkos. But he gave me two 8x10 frames for them. I was starting to feel my panic rise as the clock ticked. I was starting to get weepy.

"Narc, I'm sad," I said.

"I'm sad too," he answered, not looking at me.

"Narc..."

"Hyde..."

I swallowed hard.

"We won't get to watch the rest of Jem together," he said.

"Or Lost," I added.

"Or Idol."

"Or Rock of Love."

"Or get tickets to Colbert together. So much for all our plans!" he laughed.

In the bathroom, my toothbrush was back under the sink.

"I've been demoted?" I laughed.

"Well, you said it was over."

"Are you going to throw my toothbrush away?"

"Yeah... well, do you want it?"

"No. I just don't want you to throw it away."

"I don't save stuff like you do, Hyde."

"I know, but..."

The tears were welling up again.

"I'll leave it under there for a little while," he said.

He jumped in the shower and then got dressed for his Tarot class. I had a can of red bull in my bag.

"Do you want it?" I asked. "One more can from your red bull fairy?"

"Ok," he extended his hand.

"If you ever need me, you can call me," I said.

He didn't answer.

"I mean-- if there's ever an emergency, if you're sick, or it's an emotional emergency or something-- I still love you. I'm still your friend."

"Hopefully there won't be any emergencies, Hyde."

I re-laced my boots. I thought I might die.

"Wear your scarf. It's windy," I said.

The door closed behind us.

They are putting scaffolding up in front of his building. And they added a new sliding door between the elevators and his lobby. I felt sick.

We had to wait a while for a cab. I clutched onto his arm.

That cab ride was one of the worst moments of my life. It was a true NY breakup though-- the back seat of a cab. I grasped on to the edge of his sleeve. He took my hand and held it hard. My whole body was shaking and there were tears rolling down my cheeks.

"The Millionaire Matchmaker," I said, pointing to the advertisement plastered across a passing bus.

"Yeah, I don't remember any of those people on the show, though," he said.

We were creeping towards his stop-- 30th and 6th.

"Narc, what if I can't do it?"

"Can't do what?"

"What if I can't be without you? What if I feel sick?"

"I thought you felt sick with me," he said quietly.

"I do. Sick with you and sick without you. What if I don't want to stick to this. Would you be mad if I called you?"

"Of course I won't be mad. You can call me whenever."

I started to cry harder. He squeezed my hand. We got to the corner where he had to get out. I couldn't breathe. He opened the door, his hand still in mine. I didn't want to let go of him.

"I love you," I said.

"I love you too, honey."

I started to cry even harder, my chest heaving.

"I love you," he repeated. "Just try this for a little while, okay? Just see how it feels..."

He pulled his hand away from mine and got out of the car. As he did, I really lost it. I was sobbing uncontrollably. He closed the door and walked away. My eyes followed him out the back window. He didn't look back.

"Where's the next address?" the cab driver asked.

"What?"

"Where to?"

I repeated my address, choking through the sobs. I was annoyed that he didn't remember it from the first time we told him. It felt invasive.

I was supposed to meet Bezoukhoff at my place at 6:00 PM to start watching Schtirlitz. I sent him a text and he was already nearby. Then StarGazer called me while I was still in the cab.

By the time I got to my apartment, I looked like a wreck-- my lavendar sparkling eyes now soupy and bloodshot, the black mascara streaming down my cheeks and drying in pools under my eyes.

"Are you okay?" asked my doorman.

"Yeah. Just a breakup," I said.

I smoked a cigarette and waited for Bezoukhoff to get back from Duane Reade.

I wanted to die.

Bezoukhoff and I went upstairs where I dried my tears and called my sponsor. Then we headed out for Mexican food-- to Mama Mexico where we found brightly colored lights, a mural by Diego Rivera and a live mariachi band. It helped to cheer me up for a while, until I insisted on eating a few bites of flan and felt really sick. (I'm supposed to be avoiding sugar). Guess I'm still plain old self-destructive Hyde.

We wandered back to my place, I sang "On my own" and cried some more and then we watched the first episode of Schtirlitz.

Bezoukhoff stayed until around midnight and promised to come back for me in the morning.

I cried myself to sleep.

When I woke up, it was 9:40 and Bezoukhoff had already been waiting downstairs for 10 minutes. Shit. I called him up, threw on some clothes, and we went to sit in the park with our coffee and cigarettes. He is such a true and caring friend. I'm so lucky. We talked for a while before I set off for teaching and he for the library.

And now I'm here at school, just having taught one section on the 1920's. When I taught WWI I was with him. And now, here we are, only in the '20s and he is gone. It's like he is a casualty of the war.

I want to undo this. I want to undo this. I want to undo this.

But I can't. I know I can't take it anymore as it was.

I am in so much pain right now that I am nearly numb. I really want to end things, want oblivion, want him to murder me, want to gut myself like a fish.

I want to be a gutted mermaid.
I want Marie's red necklace from Wozzeck.
I want a way out from feeling anything at all.

But, today I have to teach.

How am I going to do this? I don't remember who I WAS before Narc. How am I supposed to find that girl?

I hate this and I want to die.

I just want him.

I love him so much.

love,
h

The Rest of Yesterday...

2008-04-06T13:35:00.002-04:00

Cherubino got to my place at around 9:00 AM. We bought egg, bacon and cheese sandwiches at the deli and watched the bum DVD of our recital again. I tried to eliminate all obvious traces of him in my apartment. My iTunes crashed and my entire library disappeared. That distracted me for a while, trying to recover it. The playlists are gone though-- including his playlists. My higher power at work? I don't like to think so...

My mom got to the apartment just after 12:00 PM. I tried on those vintage dresses I bought on Friday and put on a little fashion show. I was so tired.

Cherubino went home and my mom and I took off for Long Island. She took me shopping at a place near her office in Garden City.

"Break up shopping," she said. "You need a whole new look!"

Shopping is exhausting. It kept me occupied.

At around 5:00 PM we were driving back to my parents house with bags of clothes. My phone buzzed. It was him.

I will always love you too, he wrote. I hate that we can't see each other anymore. Miss you already.

I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't say anything for some time. My mom had to stop at the local pharmacy to pick up something for my stepbrother's leg brace. While we were there I wrote back.

Thank you for saying that. It means so much to me.

Narc: You sure you don't want me to come by?

Hyde: I'm on Long Island till tomorrow. Didn't want to be alone. Love you, but don't know what's left to say between us now. Hasn't it all been said?

Narc: I don't know, I guess... Just wondering if we're really doing the right thing.

Hyde: I don't know, Narc. I only know that I can't go on feeling like I did--how things were. I just can't. What do you think? Maybe space will bring clarity.

Anyway, by that time, we had gotten back to my parents place, and my mom and I were chatting with LilSis in the kitchen-- some drama about my stepfather's ex wife and how she had screamed at LilSis the other day. In the middle of all that, my phone rang. Guess who it was, of all people? The Stallion. Isn't that strange? I hadn't heard from him in months and months-- maybe even a year.

I took the call quickly, but told him that I couldn't talk. He said that he'll be in NY in a few weeks. I told him to call me to catch up at some point, but to be honest, I have nothing to say to him either and no real interest in seeing him.

For the rest of the day, I tried to distract myself. I played the piano for my stepbrother because he loves it. I ate some leftover Chinese food. I tried on my new clothes for LilSis. I was starting to feel better. By 10:00 PM I was dropping dead of exhaustion. I must have fallen asleep at around 10:30.

This morning I woke up and my mom had bagels waiting. She got me a "flagel"-- a very Long Island item--it's a flat bagel designed to be less doughy and I guess save the diner those extra calories. Since then, I've just been hanging out here trying not to think too much about anything. I scheduled in some extra AA meetings this week and also plan to go back to finish up that starter pack of yoga that I never followed through with. Those classes aren't until the week of April 21st though.

Anyway, that's it for now. Not sure if I'll be in the mood to blog or not. Guess I'll just take things as they come.

As for Anonymous' comment on the last post-- I wish I felt ready to date someone else. I just don't.

love,
h

How it all turned out in the end...

2008-04-05T08:08:00.003-04:00

It's 8:00 AM and I haven't slept. I got into bed last night at around midnight, but was woken up by a text from Narc.

I don't have it in me to write this post right now.

I went to see him; we talked; he had an answer for my ultimatum. His analyst helped him realize that the "right" thing to do was to continue in his refusal to "commit."

ok.

I told him that it meant that we were over.

We both cried. He, of course, was drunk. Lucky, lucky, to be numb like that. We got into bed. I couldn't stop crying. I was breaking.

"Do you think this is the last conversation we'll ever have?" I asked, in between sobs.

"Of course not, honey," he murmured, half asleep already.

His breathing changed, and so I knew he was asleep. I couldn't stop sobbing. I was choking. I was dying.

So, I got up and left. I wrote him a note telling him that I will always love him. Then I caught a cab and called my mom. I felt a little guilty for waking her like that, but I needed her. We talked for two hours.

She's going to come into the city in a little while. We were supposed to go see La Boheme today, but she thinks I need to go shopping instead.

I only got two hours of sleep last night. Hope the red bull doesn't burn my stomach out today. I can't even begin to process this-- to think about what it all means.

Cherubino is on her way here now.

But the bottom line? Here's where it ends with me and Narc. This is how it all turned out. It was a beautiful love affair. Now it's wrapped (as he likes to say).

I don't want to think about him, hear about him or talk about him right now.

I may not be back to write for a little while.

love,
h

"April is a promise that May is bound to keep"

2008-04-03T14:06:00.009-04:00

I feel as though some enormous weight has been lifted. I don't know if anyone will believe me, but I really feel like I'm done with all of this. I'm just done.

Oh, and I wasn't being paranoid on Monday night. He did see her (on the only night of the week that he wasn't with me).

On Tuesday, I had my "long" day. I taught two classes (on the First World War), did a little bit of research for a paper and went to AA. Narc has been waiting for a BitTorrent download of Jem and the Hollograms, and he texted me in the morning that it finally finished. He said that he would wait for me to watch. I texted him later in the afternoon asking how his martial arts class went. He didn't answer.

That left me with a bubble of anxiety in my stomach-- it both made me feel empty and shaky, but full of pressure at the same time. I tried to ignore it. Before AA, some guy was flirting with me. It was kind of nice. After the meeting, I went home, still anxious about everything, as I hadn't heard from Narc. It's not even like I wanted to hear from him or see him; it's just that I couldn't stand the thought of him being out with another girl. Before bed, I talked to StarGazer and then Pixie. Then I took a shower.

Just as I was climbing into bed, my phone buzzed. Narc said he was "wrapping in the West Village" and invited me over to watch Jem. I didn't want to be up super late, but I agreed to go, getting to his place at around 2:00 AM.

Everything seemed "normal."

The next morning, the "normalcy" continued. We had sex, lay in bed talking, and all was well. I couldn't get those racing thoughts out of my head, though-- the ones telling me that it is not okay and that I can't drop the ball on last week's ultimatum. So, I ventured to ask...

"Um... Narc... Have you given any thought to what we talked about last week?"

"Well, yeah, I guess," he answered.

"Do you have an answer for me?"

"Um... no. Well, not really. And to be honest, Hyde, I don't think I'm going to have an answer for you."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I don't know what you want me to say, but I don't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend, and so, I don't have an answer for you."

"If that's the case, then that IS your answer," I replied.

"No, it's not. It doesn't mean that I don't want to see you."

"Yeah, but I can't keep going like this," I said.

He climbed out of bed and moved into his desk chair, leaning forward on his knees. And we continued to talk in circles.

His "argument" (I tried to explain that we weren't "arguing"): We are just having fun together. If we're not going to get married and end up together, then why make a commitment? He loves me, so why do I want to throw everything away on some dumb principle?

I tried to explain how I felt-- that I love him and that it hurts for me to think of him being with other people; that I am giving him everything I would give to a boyfriend, but I am getting none of the security I need in return.

His response: If I were his girlfriend, it would mean vacations and fancy dinners and all that. We're not doing that, so why do I think he's like my boyfriend?

My reply: I don't need vacations or dinners or money or time. I just need commitment.

His answer: If I really love him like I say I do, then I'll just accept him for who he is and accept him how he is, and stop making demands of him that he doesn't want to meet.

My response: I wish I could, but I can't. I just physically can't do it anymore. I asked him if he remembered my panic attack on Saturday night. He did not. I started to cry a little again.

"Maybe I should just eject you from my life then, just like I've had to eject everyone else," he said.

"This is not you ejecting me. This is me walking away because I can't emotionally sustain this!" I insisted.

"I can't believe you're willing to throw away everything we have for this stupid label that you want to put on our relationship!" he exclaimed. "I'm not even dating anyone. There are no other women!"

"I don't want to argue that point again, Narc. I know there's something going on with LA-Girl and I don't want to get into that. I'm not the one throwing everything away. I'm asking you to help me stay. If you can't do that, then you're the one throwing it away."

"But I want to end up with someone in film," he said.

(Ugh!! Back to this!!)

"I don't know what to say to that," I sighed. "But seriously-- none of your previous girlfriends have been in film."

"Yeah, and look how all of that turned out!"

"I don't know, Narc..."

"So, if I'm at Cannes one day and meet some gorgeous French princess who's also a video geek, then I have to come back and break up with you first?" he asked.

"Um... yeah. If you meet the right girl, break up with me and be with her."

"That's ridiculous, Hyde. Won't that just be more painful? So, you're just basically putting off pain for later?"

"Yeah, I guess. But at least I would have some peace of mind right now."

I kept trying to explain to him how hard it is for me to continue to ignore my own feelings. Bottom line-- I will NOT tolerate this situation with LA-Girl. I'm not thinking about the future.

"All of my friends tell me to just drop this and to move on. But I don't want to do that," I said. "I'm hoping that you will tell me something different."

"I guess they're just worried about your feelings, Hyde."

The conversation went on like that for a while. He kept trying to make me seem irrational-- that if he made this commitment that I would get "crazy" and be paranoid if he even looked at another woman.

"That's not what this is about," I kept trying to explain.

Finally, I put it to him plainly:

"Look, Narc. What you have with me has to cost you something. Every relationship costs something. Like I said-- it won't cost you money and it won't cost you time. It will cost you commitment. That's the price."

"It will cost me the possibility of another opportunity if I can't flirt with women, or if I meet someone at a bar, if I can't take her home."

"Yes, I suppose it will. It will cost you opportunity. But, that's the price. I guess you just have to decide if having me in your life is worth it to you."

"I don't know why I'm even bothering to justify myself to you!" he cried. "I could be like James and fuck prostitutes and not even tell you anything!"

"That's not who you are," I said.

"Okay... it's not. But, still..."

I don't remember exactly how that conversation wrapped, but he went into the kitchen and I wiped away my last few tears in bed. He told me that he would be seeing his analyst on Friday and that he would give me an answer after that. Then, we met up on the couch for breakfast (which he prepared) and a mini-marathon of Jem. I felt strong.

I left his place at around 4:00, heading uptown for my voice lesson. Narc told me to text him later. It was an incredible lesson, but quite a workout. I did the whole thing standing on one leg. (Yes, my teacher has some interesting techniques!). Afterwards, I went straight to an AA Big Book meeting.

Perhaps it's God or perhaps it's coincidence, but the topic of that night's meeting? Sexual inventory. Reading through those pages in the book and hearing what other people had to share opened up a whole new level of understanding for me. Perhaps I was only ready to hear it for the first time that night.

We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt?...

In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test-was it selfish or not?

Narc had made me feel "selfish" that afternoon. ("If you really love me like you say, you'd let me be who I am," he said, over and over in my head). But I am NOT being selfish by asking for what I need. I am being selfish if I don't ask for what I need. Every time I ignore my own feelings or my own needs, there is less of me to give to my other friends, to my family, to my students, to my program, to newcomers in AA. Maybe I haven't done much to hurt Narc sexually, but the way that I am managing my sex-life is hurting those who occupy the other places in my life. I am depleting myself and giving myself tunnel-vision, and I've been doing it for a very, very long time. It is selfish of me when I DON'T demand what I need and when I don't stick up for myself in this relationship.

I left the meeting with a new perspective, feeling much stronger. Yes, I called Narc on my way home. But in my mind, for the first time, I felt at peace with the idea that I might be "done" with him. Part of me wants him to come back and tell me that he can't do it-- that he can't make the commitment. Then, I can walk away from it all. If he comes back to me and tells me that he will be my boyfriend, I have to ask myself if I even want a boyfriend who had to be pushed into the relationship that way... In any case, I am ready to have this gone from my life. I don't even feel all that scared anymore. Maybe this feeling is fleeting. Maybe it will be gone in the blink of an eye. But, I know that it is here right now. And so, I know that it is possible.

I was on the phone with Narc when I swung back into my building. We were negotiating where to have dinner. My super was at the door. I ended up telling Narc to come up to my place and we'd figure it out there. Back at home, I popped in the DVD of Sunday night's recital. Unfortunately, it was skipping all over the place, so I couldn't really get a sense of my performance. I have to get another copy.

Narc called at around 9:30 and told me he was outside my building. Nearly 10 minutes passed, and he hadn't buzzed up. It turns out that my super caught hold of him in the lobby and started asking him all sorts of questions-- first joking about where we were going out to eat (having eavesdropped on my earlier phone call) and then asking him where he went to college, what he studied, what kind of music he was into, etc. Very strange...

Narc and I ended up ordering in Thai food and watching American Idol. My mom called at one point and I answered the phone. She started asking me about how much weight I've lost and what I weigh right now.

"I can't really talk about that right now," I said.

When I hung up the phone, Narc gave me a funny look.

"Was that one of your 'supportive friends'?" he asked. "Were you talking about me?"

"No. It was my mom," I said. "And she asked about my weight. That's all."

"Oh."

Anyway, I played a little piano later (including the Zelda theme song) and then we watched The Colbert Report in bed. This morning, as we headed out onto the street, we passed my super again. I felt a little awkward.

Anyway, I'm getting reviewed this afternoon in class. We're covering the Russian Revolution. I'm sure it will be fine, but I always hate this observation day.

I wonder what Narc is going to say to me after his analysis tomorrow? I'm wondering how it is that I suddenly feel so strong and so over this.

Perhaps it is the magic of April. April is always the most transformative month for me. All major change happens in April. April got me sober two years ago. April started my weight loss last year. April is the resurrection.

To Be Alone in Winter is a Deadly Thing.
"SOL D'INVERNO E COSA DA MORIRE!"

No one is alone in April.
"NIUNO E SOLO L'APRIL."

(April is the cruelest month. Breeding Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing Memory and desire, stirring Dull roots with spring rain. Winter kept us warm, covering Earth in forgetful snow, feeding A little life with dried tubers.)

April, come she will,
When streams are ripe and swelled with rain.

The Very Dirty Martini

2008-04-01T02:16:00.000-04:00

Oh, man! Brace yourself, because this is a long one!

Where to begin??? Where did I leave off? On Thursday night, I think...

Okay-- so, after AA on Thursday I came home and played some God of War. I texted Narc, but he didn't write back and I was a little anxious about that. I made myself go to bed at around 1:00 AM, but my sleep was restless. (Why? Because I'm a little crazy). Anyway, at around 5:00 AM, a text message woke me up. Obviously, it was Narc.

"Just back in, call when up," he wrote.

So, I answered him.

"I'm always up," I said. (Not true. I had been fast asleep. Anyway...) "Made it to Athens town square. Late though and I have lots to do tomorrow. Will try to call when I can."

"Am up too," he replied. "Come down here?"

"It's too late. Tomorrow perhaps?"

"Would come to you, but have no cash."

At that, I called him. He was pretty drunk. I told him that I had to go back to bed. He agreed and we hung up. At this point, it was nearly 6:00 AM. I got one more "dirty" text from him and that was that.

The next morning, I woke up exhausted. (If you recall, I also got very little sleep on Wednesday night, as I was grading midterms and went out to Cheers with Narc and NDN). I set off in the early afternoon to attend a writing workshop run by a professor in American Intellectual History/Sociology. I actually owe him a paper. The workshop was helpful and inspiring. Afterwards, I met B for lunch at a restaurant nearby. We had a really nice time talking life, philosophy and everything in between. From there, I ran into Old Navy to pick up a pair of jeans and then headed to the Upper West Side to meet my sponsor.

On my way, I sent Narc a text: "Hope you're well rested. My writing workshop was good. Oh-- and I remembered my med. Yay. Anyway, have fun tonight. Call later."

(Narc had plans that night to go out for drinks with his friend R-- an architect who was leaving town the next day).

"Ugh. Don't know if I can take another night out with the boys!" he answered. "We shall see. Call you later."

Cherubino was waiting for me in Starbucks when I arrived. We read through the Big Book and talked about Step 11. From there we headed over to our group's Friday night meeting. It was a step meeting focusing on Step 7.

The meeting touched me on the inside and left me feeling odd. Sometimes, those spiritual moments are uncomfortable. They call on me to live my life on a higher plane. It sometimes feels like a tall order. I become aware of my own laziness and fear like never before.

So, there was a funny feeling in my chest as I cabbed back to the East Side that night. But, I settled in at home, and tried to get to bed at a decent hour. I was tired beyond belief. Not wanting a repeat of the previous night, and knowing that Narc had plans to go out drinking, I shut off my ringer. At 1:45 AM, just as I was crawling under the covers, I picked up the phone to put it on the night table. At that very moment, Narc's number flashed on the screen.

"That's so weird!" I exclaimed as I answered the phone.

"What?"

"My ringer was off, but I looked at the phone at the exact moment you called."

"Guess we're just starting to share the same brain," he laughed. "They say that can sometimes happen to people who spend enough time together-- that they end up in sync."

"Narc-- that's a scary thought! A brain that's half me and half you??"

"Seriously-- it would be half zen gardens and half sex, drugs and self-abuse."

"I wouldn't want to see that," I laughed.

In any case, he asked me to come down. I was really tired, but I was also relieved that he called and I wanted to see him. I threw on some clothes and made a pit stop at the deli. At that point, it was 2:00 AM.

"Do I still have an orange by you?" I asked.

"One orange here. Just for you."

"K. Am on my way."

Now, this is where things started to crumble for me...

When I arrived, he was watching "Trainspotting." He was visibly drunk and was still drinking-- giant gin-martinis that he gulped down quickly. We started talking about film making and various directors and he referred to the movie "Sunshine" that had been on TV the other day, and its horrible "Third Act."

"What exactly is the 'third act'?" I asked.

Somehow, his answer to that question twisted in a million directions. Narc started talking about Evolution and then about Rupert Sheldrake and the "Hundredth Monkey Theory." In any case, the longer we talked, the more he drank. And then at some point, this came out of his mouth:

"I don't know if I tell you too much, Hyde," he slurred. "But I'm just gonna put it out there-- I saw LA-Girl tonight. I hung out with her for a little bit."

"What? When?"

I felt like I had just been stabbed in the stomach.

He went on and explained that his friend R blew him off, and that LA-Girl "just happened" to call. So, she came over, they had a few drinks and they hung out. He told me that she performed an Ophelia monologue for him and that she was terrible. He also said that she passed out on the floor.

"Right over there!" he said, pointing to a specific place on his floor rug.

"She seems to have a habit of passing out every time you see her," I said dryly. I was clearly pissed off.

"It's not a big deal, Hyde," he kept insisting. "I didn't fuck her! I didn't fuck her. And you wanna know why?? You wanna know why I didn't fuck her?"

He was starting at me with those drunk, bleary eyes and he smelled like the booze.

"I don't know, Narc," I sighed. "What do you want me to say?"

"Tell me! Tell me why I didn't fuck her!"

"I don't know... Because she has herpes?"

"There's condoms for that," he laughed.

"Ew. Don't do that and then try to come have sex with me," I said.

"So, tell me why I didn't fuck her."

"Because she didn't want to fuck you?"

"Nope. Because I didn't want to fuck her!" he exclaimed.

"I highly doubt that," I said. "Then, why are you hanging out with her?"

"I love her, that's why," he said. "She's cute, and I love LA-Girl."

"You LOVE her? What the fuck are you talking about? "

"I don't love, love her," he tried to explain.

(Hadn't we had this conversation before?)

"Narc! You just told me that she's dumb, she's a bad actress, you don't want to fuck her... You don't love her, so I don't know why you're saying that. To tell you the truth, it's not clear what you even like about her, except for the fact that she's 'cute.'"

"She has good energy," he said, with a drunken grin. "And I can talk to her about things I can't talk to you about."

"Like what?"

"Well, acting. Films, that sort of thing."

"Narc, you don't get it. I mean, really-- I don't talk to you about major things that I'm passionate about-- music, history, whatever. I can talk to Bezoukhoff about history all day long. It doesn't mean I go around saying that I LOVE him."

"I don't know Hyde," he laughed. "You wanna know what I think?"

"About what?"

"I think you're jealous."

He sat back, content with himself and his proclamation.

"What the fuck?!" I exclaimed. "Of COURSE I'm jealous!"

"You're jealous because I"m telling you she's this cute, blond, actress, and you're jealous."

"Narc, you don't get it," I sighed. "I'm not jealous of her. I don't know her. I wish her well. This really has nothing to do with her or what she is. But I AM jealous of the fact that you're flirting with her and have this kind of interest in pursuing her. I'm jealous of how you feel about her."

"Well, we're not dating, Hyde. We're not 'together' like that. And I'm going to have LA-Girl in my life now."

"This is not about LA-Girl!" I insisted. "This is about me and you. I don't give a shit about her. This is about the fact that we have no definition and it's not working anymore. I love you; I see you almost every night; you say that you love me; we're friends; it's been nearly four years. What IS this? Why aren't we dating?"

(I could hardly believe those words had come flying out of my mouth).

He didn't say anything.

"Why AREN'T we dating?" I repeated. "What is it? Why aren't we 'together'?"

He was, once again, slow to respond.

"I don't know, Hyde," he said. "I didn't know you were available for that."

"What?!?" (This was now laughable.) "Narc! Are you fucking kidding me??"

"No. I'm not kidding you," he said, grabbing onto my arm and staring at me, as if daring me to argue.

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I TOLD you in November, 2004 that I wanted to be with you and I didn't want to date anyone else. I've made myself clear about that time and again over the past few years."

He didn't really answer.

"Look," I went on. "What if I were your friend-- not me, but another friend. And what if I came to you and said that there's a guy that I'm in love with, that I've been seeing for four years, but he won't be in a relationship with me and he sees other women periodically. What would you tell me to do?"

"I'd tell you to reel him in," he said. "To be crafty and find a way to win him over."

I stared at him dumbfounded. "Are you saying that's a possibility?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you saying it's possible to 'reel you in?'"

"No," he said. "You want to have children and I don't."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm not the knight that you deserve, Hyde."

Now, I really did start to laugh.

"That's such a fucking cop out! I don't want a knight. I'm not looking to cast someone in a fucking script."

"Well, then, fuck you!" he said, defensively.

He kept trying to turn the conversation back to LA-Girl and the fact that he hadn't "fucked her." He kept wanting to tell me that I was just dramatic and paranoid.

"She offered herself like four times," he said.

"Yeah, I'm sure," I said, bitterly. "I just don't know where I stand with you."

"You don't know where you stand with me?"

"No. I don't. Why don't you tell me? What am I to you? What do you even want?"

He shook his head.

"I don't know either," he said.

"Yeah, that's the problem."

There was nothing left to say. I was exhausted beyond words. I just put my head in my hands and pressed on my eyes.

"What are you thinking?" he asked.

"Nothing," I muttered.

"No, really--what are you feeling?"

"It doesn't matter what I'm feeling, Narc."

"Yes it does."

"No, it DOESN'T" I shouted. "What I feel doesn't matter because you won't change a thing based on my feelings. You're basically telling me that LA-Girl is going to be around regardless of how I feel. You have NEVER cared about my feelings."

"I just don't see what the big deal is! I'm not dating her!"

"I don't want to have to feel insecure like this. Living in fear is poisoning me. It's taking away from the rest of my life."

"What are you afraid of?"

"That you are going to disappear! That at any moment you might disappear!"

"That will never happen," he smiled. "I will never leave you . I love you. What, do you think I'm just going to send you a text someday saying that it's over and I'm gone?" He started to laugh as if that were the most ridiculous idea.

"Don't laugh, Narc. It's happened before."

"When?"

"When? Um-- there has always been someone else. That girl you went to Dominican Republic with, the month after I met you. Then in December-- the 18th to be exact-- you texted me: Nothing more for us really. Then, there was PopStar in January, 2005. Then, you met the Exhibitionist and texted me on Easter, 2005 that you were dating someone and were 'off the radar' and to 'Be well.' And even this latest time with PopStar-- you texted me that she was back from Russia and had moved in, only after I was bewildered about why you were ignoring me. There have been so many episodes. Do you remember that day you kicked me out of your place when the Exhibitionist came over? July, 2005?"

"Yeah, I remember," he said in a low voice. "You have a long memory."

"That's because it fucking HURT. It still hurts!" I had to hold back tears. "It all hurt. But there's no point in all of this now. I just want to go to sleep now."

"No, let's finish this," he said.

"I want to go to bed. I'm done. And I'm too tired to think clearly."

"Are you a coward, Hyde? Finish it. Let's finish talking about this."

"There's no point!" I insisted. "Why am I still here? Why am I here? Why am I here?" (I was talking to myself more than anything else. I really felt like I was about to lose my mind.) "I can't do this, Narc. I'm going to bed."

We talked in circles for a little longer, but finally, I just ignored him and walked into the bedroom. He went to pull something out of his closet. It was a "dirty martini" costume that he bought for Laurie in October.

"Are you joking? I'm not putting that thing on!" I said, pushing past him, towards the bed.

"Put it on, Hyde."

"I'm not putting it on. You bought it for Laurie! I'm not going to put on something that you bought for Laurie."

I felt so disgusted at this point. And he was clearly drunk and not making much sense. I climbed into bed. He climbed in after me. It was nearly 6:00 AM.

"I love you," he said, as he pulled me close.

I didn't have it in me to respond, think or feel. I just had to go to bed.

"I don't exist," I said.

He didn't answer.

Two and a half hours later, the alarm went off. I had to get up early, as I had plans to meet my mom and BigSis on Long Island to go to a "corsetier." BigSis is pregnant and needs new bras, and I also am in between sizes, as I've lost so much weight. (Thank god, I didn't go down the cup size I thought-- I am still the same size there, only down a few sizes across the back). My head was pounding and I chugged two red bulls, which didn't help with the headache, but made my stomach burn. It felt like the old days-- I haven't felt hungover in so long. I was also emotionally wrecked. But I tried to close my eyes and focus and pray. I prayed for the ability to be "of service" to my mom and my sister and to stay present with them and not to slip into my usual "morbid reflection."

I managed to have a decent time out there. BigSis and I each got two new bras and we ate lunch at Ruby Tuesday's. Then my mom drove me back to the train. I got back to my place at around 2:15 PM. I don't know why (fear? insecurity?), but I sent Narc a text.

"I am literally going to collapse from exhaustion," I wrote. "Think I only slept 10 hrs. combined since Wed. Just getting back from LI. Feel horrible. Bet you're still asleep. There's more jealousy for you..."

My head was still throbbing and I felt feverish. My forehead was hot and my hands were clammy and cold. My joints ached. I was surprised when he wrote me back:

"Just up an hour ago. Sleep woman! Sounds like you're running on fumes. Can come over and get some rest if you like..."

"Have a rehearsal and then need AA," I said. "So, busy til 10:00-ish. Check in later... if I haven't yet, in my fatigue, departed this world for the next."

"Do call after AA then."

"K. Will do. But in any case, will need bed relatively early tonight."

I did my best to revive myself (or at least revive my makeup) before turning around and heading out to a rehearsal for Sunday night's recital. As you know, Cherubino studies with the same voice teacher, and she was already there at the pianist's apartment when I arrived. I ran through my aria in a half stupor. God knows how any decent sounds came out!

At around 4:15 PM, we left the pianist's place in Carnegie Hill and started to walk down Second Avenue, stopping to poke around a Good Will store. I got a dress and a sweater for practically nothing, and Cherubino tired on a really funny denim jumper. Anyway, we eventually made it back to my apartment where we read through the chapter that brought me to complete my 12th Step. It felt really good. Afterwards, we watched The Medium, which Cherubino brought over on DVD. It was a very strange and creepy opera. Afterwards, I couldn't get one particular tune out of my mind:

Give away my clothes; burn all my school books
Burn! Burn! Give away! Give away!

Anyway, Cherubino took off at around 8:00 PM. I was literally about to drop. She was trying to show me a picture of the world's ugliest dog, but I could hardly laugh. I couldn't focus on anything. I wandered into my bedroom and flopped onto the bed on my stomach. Not five minutes later, the phone rang. It was Narc.

"What's up?"

"I left you a message, Hyde," he said.

I could barely understand him. He was so drunk that he could hardly form his words.

"What are you doing so wasted at 8:00 PM?!" I exclaimed.

"I don't know... it just happened," he said.

"Huh? What did you do today? You only woke up a few hours ago!"

"I just started drinking when I woke up," he said. "I don't know why. It was just there. Hair of the dog and all that, I guess," he laughed.

He wanted me to come down to see him.

"We need to talk," he said.

"Yes, we do need to talk," I agreed. "But I don't want to talk to you like this. I want to talk to you when you're sober. Besides, I'm so tired, I have to go to bed super soon."

"That's okay," he said. "We don't have to talk about anything unpleasant, then. I just want you to be here."

"Okay," I agreed.

(I don't know what I'm doing. Into the lion's den?)

I called StarGazer before I left home. We talked for about 40 minutes and she convinced me to reconsider my decision to go. But, I ended up heading down there anyway.

When he answered the door, he looked SO much worse than I had imagined. His eyes were bloodshot through and through. But his whole face looked bloated and red and his hair was sticking up in every direction.

"What the hell happened to you Narc?!"

"I don't know," he snorted. "Guess it just hit me really hard today. Was out with R at Blaue Gans. Drank the beer in a boot after those martinis. Haven't eaten in a few days..."

He stumbled over to the couch. I could see where he had banged into a wall and knocked down some shelves.

We were both sitting on the couch now. I don't remember what we talked about. Narc pushed my legs apart. I thought he was going to try to pull my jeans off or something. But he didn't. He just wedged himself inbetween me and put his head down on my chest. He wrapped his arms around me and just lay there, with me cradling his head. I didn't really know how to feel.

"I love you," he said.

He was so drunk, though.

He started trying to raise up my shirt. So, I pulled it off myself. He was kissing my breasts, but then he started to suck on them, still cradled there, like he was a baby or something. It was really strange and again-- I didn't know how to feel. It was like he was nursing. He stayed like that for some time. I didn't move or do anything.

This is the most fucked up relationship!! I thought.

It's all I could think. I don't understand anything anymore.

After a little while like that, he sort of rolled back onto his side of the couch. I put my shirt back on. Neither of us said anything for a while. Then, he finally broke the silence.

"So, do you want to talk, Hyde?"

"No. I don't want to have that conversation tonight."

He flopped onto his back and closed his eyes. His breathing grew heavy.

"Narc? Are you asleep."

"Not asleep, not asleep," he said, barely coherent. "Just napping."

"If you're going to nap, let's just go to bed," I said. "I'm tired too."

It was just about 10:00 PM. His house was a mess-- way messier than usual. The ashtray on the coffee table was filled with dozens and dozens of stamped out cigarettes. And the orange peel in the bowl that I had left there the night before was still sitting there. And then I noticed something else-- a stupid, plastic, olive shaped ring from that "dirty martini" costume. It was right there on the coffee table, next to the orange peel.

What the fuck was it doing there? The costume was new and sealed the previous night. Who the fuck tried it on?

I became convinced of the fact that LA-Girl had come over again that afternoon.

"Why is that ring on the table?" I asked him.

"Oh-- that's from when LA-Girl tried the costume on."

"She was here today?" (I could barely breathe).

"No, she wasn't here today!" he insisted. "It's from last night when she was here. She was over here last night."

"That ring wasn't there last night," I said.

"What can I tell you, Hyde?"

"You can tell me why that ring wasn't there last night and yet it IS there tonight."

"Guess I just put it there when I was cleaning up."

"You didn't clean anything up."

The rest of the costume was still in the package leaning against the opposite wall, but it was folded into the package differently.

I felt so sick.

"I bought that costume for Laurie," he said.

"Yeah, I know." I felt like a robot. "We talked about it last night. Don't you remember taking it out of the closet last night and telling me to try it on?"

"I told LA-Girl to try it on, but it was too big on her. It was falling off her."

"So, she was here."

"No, it was last night."

I didn't answer. I just moved into the bedroom, undressed and climbed into bed.

"Take a shower with me," he said.

"I'm not going to take a shower with you."

I'm glad he gave up on the idea, because I seriously thought he might slip and hit his head. Narc followed and pulled me in tight against his chest. I still couldn't breathe. I felt like my whole body was about to shut down. I was SO fucking tired-- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I thought I might die. I don't even know how to describe my state of mind. I just felt feverish.

I tried to calm myself and just get myself to sleep. I tried counting backwards from 1000. But I couldn't shake this-- any of it. Involuntarily, I jumped.

"What's wrong?" he murmured.

"I can't do this, Narc," I whispered.

"Do what? What's wrong."

"This whole thing. She was here today. You're LYING to me. That ring was not on the table."

"God, Hyde! What's wrong with you? It was from last night."

"You told me everything about last night!" I insisted. I felt like I was on the verge of hysteria though. "You said that she did an Ophelia monologue and passed out. You didn't mention the costume. Besides, it was sealed when you took it out of the closet. And that ring wasn't on the table."

"I told you what I did today," he said. "I woke up; I texted you; I drank some martinis here; then I met R over at Blaue Gans. Then I called you again. When did I see her?"

"She could have come over here after you texted me and had martinis with you. She could have gone to Blaue Gans with you."

I was sure of it. I just so positive of it.

"Enough of your feeble-minded woman's intuition!" he said.

"Don't start getting misogynistic on me, Narc."

"I WILL get misogynistic on you because this is DUMB! Your woman's intuition isn't right about everything!"

"It's not intuition, it's deduction! There are facts-- the costume was sealed last night, and now it's not. The ring wasn't there last night and now it is. And you told me that LA-Girl tried the costume on. Put that all together, and it's obvious that she was over here today."

"She wasn't."

"I don't believe you," I whispered. "But it doesn't even matter. This is not about her. I don't give a SHIT about her. It's about me and you."

We were both silent. I closed my eyes and tried to will myself back to sleep, but I couldn't. My body started to shake. I don't know what happened to me, but I was literally shaking uncontrollably and my teeth were chattering.

"What's wrong with you? Are you okay?" Narc asked.

He sounded genuinely concerned and half sat up.

"I don't know. I'm going to break. I'm going to break," I stammered. "I can't do this anymore. I'm going to break."

He pulled me close again and wrapped his arms around me, as if that could stop the shaking. But it didn't work. My body was still shaking uncontrollably, seemingly divorced from my mind.

"I'm going to break," was all I could say.

"I won't let you break, darling," he said. "I'll protect you. I'll keep you safe."

And then, it exploded, everything that the brick wall in my heart has been keeping locked in for all these years. I started to cry hysterically. I was sobbing so hard that I couldn't breathe, so I tried harder to find a breath. And then it started to turn into a full fledged panic attack. I haven't had one of those in quite some time. But, I felt my face start to tingle. I was dizzy and nauseated and my whole body started to sweat. I still couldn't stop the sobbing, but there suddenly seemed to be no more tears. It was like some sort of dry heaving cry. But, I didn't feel sad anymore either. I felt completely detached, like I was watching this whole scene out of body, floating on the ceiling.

"Shh... calm down," my floating self seemed to say to my wretching body.

"It's okay, it's okay," Narc kept whispering. He kissed my hair. "I love you. You're safe," he said over and over.

He kissed my face and found the tears there. I think it made him kiss me more fervently-- as if he were moved that much more that I had tears for him, that he had been able to elicit such a response from me.

"I love you, honey. I love you," he kept saying. "I'm just glad you're sleeping with me tonight-- that you're safe with someone who loves you. It's all okay."

I tried to listen to him, but my floating, detached, self was bitterly reminding the rest of me that he's a liar and that I'm anything BUT safe when I'm with him. I kept shaking and chattering until, despite everything, I somehow managed to let him soothe me before I passed out from sheer exhaustion.

It was a frightening episode. And it's how I know that I'm done.

We slept at least 12 hours. The next morning he had an awful hangover and crawled over me to get water. We both went back to sleep. When we woke up again, we had sex. It was as if everything had been erased. But, it hadn't. I couldn't forget it. It was right there, knotted in my stomach.

"I really did myself in yesterday," Narc laughed. "I went out to Blaue Gans with R and drank one of those giant boots of beer."

"Yeah, I know," I said. "Don't you remember going over your day in detail several times last night?"

"Oh, right-- yeah, sure," he said.

Eventually he got out of bed and went to check whatever websites he always checks in the morning.

"Narc, we need to talk," I said. I was still laying in the bed.

"Don't you think we've talked enough about all this?"

"No. I mean-- nothing is resolved. And I need space from you. I can't do this."

"What does that mean?" he asked. "You want to take a month apart? Two months? What's the point of that, Hyde?"

"I don't want time apart," I said. "Don't you understand? It's not what I want. But the point is, it will give me time to get over you!" I answered. "I just can't keep hurting like this anymore."

"WHAT is all this drama about? Why are you always making things so fucking melodramatic?"

"I'm not being dramatic. It just hurts."

"Oh, it hurts?! It hurts! That's not dramatic?"

"No, it's not! It hurts in a thousand ways every day and I don't say anything. I am so NOT dramatic about this. And I'm not being dramatic now. I'm just trying to be practical."

"I don't know what to tell you Hyde," he said with a scowl. He was getting defensive now. "If it hurts you so much-- thousands of times every day-- then, maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore."

I don't know if he meant it as a threat. Usually I back down as soon as he says something like that.

"Maybe. I want to see you, Narc. I don't want space. But I can't go on like we are. I mean-- what is this? What are we doing? Who am I to you? I don't ever know where I stand with you."

"I thought we were having fun," he stammered. "Isn't that what we're doing? Having fun with each other? Isn't that how we both defined it?"

"Maybe that was true four years ago. Maybe that was true when I was getting wasted and coming to fuck you at 4:00 AM twice a week. But it's not fun anymore! I love you; you say you love me. I see you almost every day. This has been a long time, Narc. I'm invested in you. I'm giving you everything I would give to a boyfriend. But I'm not getting anything in return-- no security, no saftey, nothing..."

He got back into bed with me.

"But we can't end up together," he said quietly. "We want different things. You want to have kids and I don't. I want to end up with an actress-- someone in my indsutry that I can build a career and a life with."

"Who's talking marriage?!" I laughed. "I don't want to marry you. In fact, if you asked, I'd say no!"

"Oh, that's real nice," he said, jealously. "You're in love with me, but you wouldn't marry me?"

"No. Because you're right-- we do want different things. But we're together at this moment in life, and for this moment in life I need some security and some protection. I'm not saying we'll stay together forever. I'm just saying that if we're together right now, it should be a real relationship."

"But if we're not going to end up together, we're going to have to date someone else eventually, right?"

"Yeah."

"So, we have to be able to be open to meet that person."

"Yeah, I guess that's true. So, if you meet someone that you think has real potential, then break up with me. Break up with me and then sleep with someone else. But you can't have it all at once. All this time, you've wanted to have your cake and eat it too. I've been trying to make it possible for you to do that. If I could keep giving you that, I would. This is not about me being moral or trying to be tough. I would give you what you want, if I could. But it's not possible anymore. I just can't emotinally sustain it anymore. I'm so tired."

"I never got that expression," he laughed. "Why can't you have your cake and eat it? Isn't that the whole point of having the cake?"

"No, Narc. If you eat the cake, you no longer have it on the plate. If you want it on the plate, you can't have eaten it. You can't have both."

"Oh."

Neither of us said anything for a few minutes.

"So, what are you asking me for? A commitment?"

"Yes. I'm asking you for a commitment. I can't do this otherwise."

"I don't know," he said. "I was kind of burned by my last girlfriend, if you recall."

"PopStar? Of course I recall! Do you know how much pain that put me through too? I was in love with you, and stayed by you while you were engaged to someone else. I came to the hospital for you every day when you were sick. I kept right on fucking you for eight months while you were going on about being in love with her."

"Yeah, well, I guess it was bad for everyone all around," he said.

We were both silent again.

"I just don't know what to do, Narc. Tell me what to do. Tell me to stay or tell me to go. Tell me. My therapist won't tell me what to do."

"Did you think he would?"

"No. But everyone who tells me what to do tells me something I don't want to hear."

"What do they tell you?"

"To end it. To stop seeing you. My friends... everyone. And everyone's sick of hearing about it. Everyone says-- he doesn't want a relatinoship with you; what are you doing still there? I can't answer them. And you don't give me anything to tell them, Narc. I feel so alone. I feel so fucking alone."

I felt like I might start to cry again, so I swallowed hard.

"Look, I don't want to lose you, Hyde. I love spending time with you," he said quietly. "Of course, I want you in my life."

"Well, I don't want to go. But, it's a matter of what it's worth to you... I can't do this anymore."

He didn't say anything.

"Shouldn't I be with someone who wants to be with me?" I asked. "Don't you think I deserve that?"

He just lay there staring at the ceiling. My head was on his chest.

"I don't know what you want me to say," he murmured. "I feel like I'm on The Moment of Truth or something."

"I'm not trying to pressure you, Narc. But I do need an answer. So, take a few days if you need to, but I DO need an answer."

He got up as if that were the end of the conversation. So, I just got up and got dressed too. We ordered in some food for lunch and watched Rock of Love on TV. I rehung the shelves that he had knocked down the night before and went across the street to get him Gatorade, Pepto Bismol and a protein shake for his hangover. And so, it was just as usual-- dumb TV and a lot of sex as the afternoon passed.

At around 3:00 PM, The Truman Show was on and I had to leave. I had to get home in time to shower, change my clothes and warm up before the recital.

"Don't forget everything that we said," I told him, as I leaned down for a hug goodbye.

"Yeah, we can talk about it," he answered.

"No. I don't want to talk about it. I just need an answer from you. I need a committment or I'm done. Sometime in the next few days."

"Guess I'll do a little soul-searching," he said with half a laugh.

"Okay. 'Cause really, Narc-- it's time to shit or get off the pot."

"Huh. Well, good luck with your thing tonight. Call me later."

Back at my place, I got dressed in a beautiful lace skirt and tight black top and in my red lip gloss, I felt beautiful, but it couldn't mask my emotional fatigue. My voice was low and I couldn't get all the support I needed. I felt depressed about having to sing in that condition, all the way on my way to the recital.

I sent Narc a text: "Feeling way, waaaay too tired to do this. Wish me luck! And may God give me adrenaline. At least I feel pretty in my clothes..."

"You can do it!!" he answered.

"Thanks. :)"

The recital itself was okay. I don't think I did as well as I did last time, but I didn't expect to. Even though I thought my performance was horribly mediocre, my teacher seemed pleased and all of the other students told me that I sounded great. Cherubino said that I'm way too hard on myself. So, I decided to believe them.

Aferwards, we all went back to my teacher's apartment for a little reception. One of her students, I recently found out, is someone else who went to Columbia and sang in the Opera Ensemble there. She was at the recpetion.

"Wow! It's been a long time," I said. "When's the last time we saw each other?"

"I don't know. I think my last semester with the group was actually that semseter that you got sick."

"When I got sick?"

"Yeah, you missed the concert because you had to go to the hospital," she explained. "Remember?"

"Oh! That's right," I laughed. "That was a difficult time. December, '98."

Meanwhile, what was I really doing that I missed the concert? Sitting in jail, under arrest for buying coke, two days before my 20th birthday. Ugh!! So weird to have that come back to me like that!

Anyway, while at that little reception, I got another text from Narc: "How was your recital? Was going to head up to you but haven't heard anything yet. What's up?"

I was surprised that he wanted to see me again, in the middle of all of this, and that he wanted to come to my place. Maybe he is afraid of losing me, after all. In any case, I told him that I would be home by 10:00 PM. He met me in the lobby. I was still all dressed up, but had switched from heels to flip flops.

I froze my ass off in those flip flops as we walked up Second Avenue to find a pub. Narc wanted "bangers and mash." So, we ate a little dinner, he sipped a pint of Guinness, and then we came back to my place. I played some God of War with his guidance, and then I cleaned up the apartment a bit. We tried to watch The Tudors in bed, but both of us were falling asleep.

This morning, we woke up, fucked, watched the rest of The Tudors and ordered in lunch. I wanted to go through and organize my bills, so he helped me devise a system. He is one of the most organized people I've ever met. Then, I listened to the end of Phantom of the Opera (which had come up in an earlier conversation ) and I told him that I'm still in love with the Phantom. He read a Britney article in an old issue of Rolling Stone that I had laying around.

At 5:30, we both took off for class-- he to his tarot school and I to my research seminar.

"Which card are you guys studying tonight? I asked.

He didn't know the answer.

On my way home, I had a sudden urge to find an AA meeting, so I wandered over to the "Mustard Seed"-- a place where they have pretty much non-stop meetings all day. There was a women's meeting that was almost over. I found a seat and recognized two women there from other meetings I've been to. I think I need to start going to a weekly women's meeting again. Just catching the tail end of the meeting, it prodded me not to forget that I have to take care of myself and respect myself if I am really choosing this spiritual life.

I want to be wanted.

When I left the meeting, I called Bezouhoff and we talked for a while.

Anyway, at around 11:00 PM tonight, I sent Narc another text: "So, which card was it?"

I was suddenly filled with fear again-- fear that he was meeting up with LA-Girl. I know that he met her on a Monday night once before.

If he doesn't answer you, he's with her, I told myself.

Stop thinking like this, I told myself. Stop obsessing. You don't know what's going on and you can't control it.

He wrote back five minutes later: "Queen and King of Swords. Back to major arcana next week with the Lovers. Received an incredible reading from the man himself as well, most impressive."

Okay, so he's not with her, I thought.

I sent another text: Really? What did the reading say?

He didn't answer that one.

Why not? I wondered. Maybe he IS with her. No... then, why would he have answered the first one? Maybe he answered the first text because he didn't want you to know he's with her. No... that's paranoid, Hyde. He probably just didn't answer this last one because he didn't want to get into it. Yeah, but still... he could have just said that he didn't want to get into it. Why did he just disappear? Maybe he's sick of hanging out. Geez-- you've just seen him non-stop! Aren't you sick of seeing him? Yes... Yes, I am. I don't want to talk or hang out tonight. I just want to know that he's not with her.

I just want to know.

Only, I can't know. I can't know anything.

Do I really think I can have any measure of control?

What do I do next? Has the bridge been crossed? ("So stand and watch it burn...")

What do I do next?

love,
h

Shit, or get off the pot.

2008-03-30T15:52:00.002-04:00

Lots and lots has been going on. I gave him an ultimatum and a few days to decide-- make a commitment and be in a "relationship" with me, or I'm done. I can not do this LA-Girl thing. It's just not going to happen.

Oh-- and I finished all twelve steps. Huzzah!

Off to sing in a recital tonight. Feeling pretty in my clothes.

love,
h

Plan A

2008-03-27T14:25:00.003-04:00

I'm in a pretty good mood today. It doesn't seem to matter that I'm running on only four hours of sleep. I like teaching the start of World War I. It's like watching some enormous vicious man-eating flower unfold, petal by petal.

The other day I got an email from another woman who studies voice with my voice teacher. She said that she knows me from Columbia-- that we sang together in the Opera Ensemble when we were undergrads. Her name was unfamiliar to me, but I went onto Facebook to look her up, and I sort of remember her. She's also listed as friends with my friend, NiS. But here's the weirder part-- she's friends with the Smolderer! That creepy guy who used to hit on me in Cheers! It is so completely random. Sometimes NY is such a small village.

Anyway, it's been a nice week (that is, if I ignore its undertones. But, I've got plenty of practice with that!). On Tuesday night after my long day and after AA, I ended up going back down to Narc's place. I didn't get there until 12:30 AM or so, as I was on the phone with my mom forever. She was telling me some story about how she and my stepfather just bought a winning lotto ticket on their trip to Puerto Rico and that she wants to give her winnings ($200 or so) to the woman who was cleaning the town square in whatever town they were visiting.

On Wednesday morning, Narc and I ate lunch at Mocca and then headed back to Chinatown to see if we could figure out what to do with my busted PS2. The guys in the shop said that they wouldn't be able to fix it, but they were selling used Playstation 2's for $95. That was way more than I wanted to spend, but since I already had AV cables and controllers, they said they'd bring it down to $60. Narc had some games he wanted to sell back, so he contributed them to my fund. I ended up walking out of there with a "new" used PS2 and a copy of Okami all for the cost of $37!!

From there he went off to do his martial arts class (I'm so proud of him for finally going!) and I went straight to therapy. I love therapy so much these days. I wish I could go every day! After that I had a voice lesson in which I worked endlessly to float that damn B-flat. It is right on my break. My voice kept wanting to flip up and sing a C.

"I've never met a voice that wanted to sing a high-C more than yours!" my voice teacher exclaimed.

I've got to practice this a million more times if I'm going to brave it on Sunday night. I can sing a B-flat at full volume, no problem. It's the floating it that's hard for me.

Anyway, after that, I originally planned to go to AA, but instead decided to come home to finish grading midterms. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), I got side tracked by trying out God of War. It was awesome. Granted, I was playing on the "easy" level, but I defeated the three-headed Hydra and passed level-1 all by myself. I was very proud. But it was also an enormous waste of time. By the time I put the controller down, it was already 10:30 PM and I hadn't even started the grading.

I went down to NDN's place, had a couple of bites of old Chinese food for dinner, got a quick update on the happenings in his life, and then set about grading exams while he did whatever work he had to do. Narc texted me at around 11:00 PM. He said he wanted to come up to my place. (Twice in one week? Ok...) But while NDN was on the phone with American Express, I got another text from Narc that he was having a Guinness night-cap at Cheers. I dashed off to meet him.

He was a little bit tipsy when I got there, having just come from drinks with friends. But he was in a good mood-- a better mood than I've seen him in for a long time. And I loved it. I just love him. PumpedUp was there and thanked me for the birthday card. He greeted Narc; I felt a tinge of discomfort, remembering all of the tales he has heard about me and Narc over the years. But, whatever... Narc and I went outside to smoke. I was freezing, as I had run across the street with no coat. Narc gave me his. It was sweet.

Before long, NDN came down to join us. He and Narc debated the merits of Full Metal Jacket and the origins of that new movie 21. Narc had a few more beers and then we headed back home. (Did I mention that I love him? I forgot what it was like to be out with him at a bar, with him in "public" mode. I miss it!). I picked up my exams at NDN's place and finished grading half while Narc played a little God of War. Who knows-- maybe he'll be more willing to come to my place more often now that I have the PS2.

Last night was just awesome. I loved being with him. I felt super close to him when we were intimate. It was just beautiful and perfect.

We didn't get to bed until around 4:00 AM, though. And this morning I had to wake up at 8:00 AM to resume grading. I promised my students their midterms back. Thankfully I got them done-- and in time to have some morning sex too. All is well with the world, except that I have to go get some Plan B.

What was Plan A again? Denial?

Anyway, that's it for now.

love,
h

Et Resurrexit

2008-03-25T11:20:00.018-04:00

So, as usual, I've been confused. But at least I've been confused and busy. There hasn't been that much time to dwell on anything at all.

On Wednesday after that disconcerting and disheartening text exchange with Narc, I headed into my voice lesson and somehow managed to pull off some fabulous singing. When I emerged, I called Bezoukhoff to see if he wanted to meet up. I sang him a rendition of Pace, pace and he noted a considerable improvement in my technique. Yay! After that, I had to recount to him the latest twists and turns in the never ending Narc-saga (de rigeur!), followed by some "comfort" food at the Comfort Diner. Once back at my apartment, we enjoyed some youtube entertainment (including this gem) and ordered an English-subtitled DVD set of Schtirlitz (whom I once wrote about here). As for Narc? Despite that afternoon's text-drama, he sent me a few "normal" texts that night-- prosaic commentary about HBO's In Treatment, and that sort of thing.

The next day was a long one. Bezoukhoff had given me some new and interesting ideas for a paper, so I set about pulling articles to read while administering midterm exams. (Trotsky calling Stalin a Bonapartist and all that jazz...) At least teaching didn't require the boundless reams of energy as usual. All I had to do was sit there and read those articles while my students took their exams. Still, the day seemed to stretch on eternally. By the time I got to AA, I was wiped out, craving home and a hot shower like never before. As for Narc? He had texted me in the afternoon, seeking my company. However, as I was busy all day, I promised to call when AA was through. He was at Blaue Gans and invited me down. I re-dressed, dried my hair, applied my makeup, packed an overnight bag and eventually made it out of my house.

When I got there, Narc was sitting at the bar. He was wearing a rose colored shirt, a tiny cordial glass set in front of him. He was disappointed that I had just missed his friend the Shark.

That's odd, I thought. He has never wanted me to meet the Shark before... Stop over-analyzing, Hyde!

"I'm curious what you would think of him," he said. "You two are such complete and utter opposites. You're two totally different aspects of my life."

"Really? How so?" I asked. "How are we opposites?"

"Well, the Shark is super aggressive," he explained. "He cuts people up and cuts people down for the fun of it. That's why he's so good in the court room. This guy is all about making money. He used to be a fierce rugby player. You can see it-- he's huge; he's intense and he's got this shaved head... Anyway, all of that competitiveness is now everywhere in his regular life."

"And how would you describe me?" I smiled.

"You? You're very soft, Hyde."

"Soft?"

"Pliable. You're flexible for people, warm, nurturing. You're a caretaker. Not competitive at all. Your energy is inviting and sweet. I can't picture you on a 'stage' like the Shark's courtroom. That is, unless maybe it's singing opera."

"Don't forget that I teach," I laughed. "I'm on a stage several times a week. And as for being pliable and flexible? Most people would say I'm super stubborn!"

"I didn't mean being soft was a bad thing," he scoffed. "I just meant that you're really nurturing and put yourself out there."

"No, I know that Narc. I'm just saying, it's interesting because I'm not like that in every part of my life. I'm definitely like that with you though. I guess we all ever know just a part of each other... To be honest, I have no idea how I'd sum you up if someone ever asked!"

He had clearly had a few drinks, although he wasn't drunk. I ordered a diet coke and waited for him to finish the one in front of him. It smelled like pine trees.

"I'm just in a strange mood today," he said. "I've been crying all afternoon."

"Crying? What happened?"

That was certainly out of left field!

"Just a memory that came up, that's all. I want to tell you about it, but not here. Not now. It's just been a depressing week."

"Yeah, I know. I've been depressed this week too," I said, giving him a certain look. "It hasn't been an easy one."

I wanted to say more, but I didn't. After that, the subject turned. We sat at the bar for a while longer, chatting about a whole slew of things before heading back to his place.

Ah! Thursday night! We were both excited about the new episode of Lost awaiting us. However, before we ever had the chance to turn it on, the conversation turned to Narc's disturbing memory. I don't want to talk about it specifically or in detail, as I don't think that's fair to him, but I can tell you this-- it was certainly strange. He remembered a girl (Allison S.) being bullied by some really horrible boys and Narc did nothing to stop it. As he was telling me this story, he started to cry. His eyes were red and he was choking. I've never seen anything like it. To be honest, I've only ever seen Narc cry once before and that was three years ago. Unsure of how to react, I tried to reassure him that he was just a kid when it happened; I tried to hug him and listen. But this very conversation opened dozens of dark passageways. For both of us, it led to discussion of parents, disappointments, old wounds and childhood in general.

Part of me wonders if it wasn't all just a little bit convenient for this memory to disturb him on that very night. There was clearly a rift between us over LAGirl. I had clearly made my anger and discontent known. And here was something to restore it all back to normal. To make Hyde the "nurturer," the "soft, pliable" lover that I am somehow supposed to be. Whether or not it was intentional, it worked. It called on me to forget my anger. It erased the hard place in my heart that it has taken so long for me to uncover.

In any case, we chain-smoked and talked about the "Allison S. story" for at least a few hours before the darkness lifted and the conversation turned entirely to other things. I told Narc of some strange dreams. The first was about my sister. (Have I told you all that BigSis is pregnant? I found out a few weeks ago, but it was supposed to be a secret until now). Anyway, in my dream, BigSis was driving a car and I was in the passenger seat. She drove us right off a cliff. The car was suspended in the air for quite some time and we were both aware that we were going to die, with only a slight chance of survival.

"Cover your head!" I screamed, thinking of all the brain damage suffered by my stepbrother in his car accident.

"I can't! I have to hold onto the baby!" she called back.

She let go of the wheel and held down on her stomach as tight as she could. I felt really guilty that I was able to cover my head but that she couldn't. I felt guilty and helpless and I waited for the fall.

In a second dream, Narc was interviewing me.

"When is the first time you knew that I meant anything to you?" he asked, with a pen and paper poised.

"Um... August, 2004--right before you disappeared to the Dominican Republic on that so-called 'blind date,'" I said.

He jotted down my answer.

"And when's the first time you knew I meant everything to you?"

"That's easy!" I laughed. "November 19, 2004-- the KGB Bar night."

Anyway, on Thursday night I told him about both of those dreams.

"What's the KGB bar night?" he asked.

"Narc! You know it-- the night we went up on your roof."

I told him the story again. I was a little embarrassed in midst of it, but it felt good to be so honest. I want to have no qualms about making my feelings clear. I think it's important that he knows how I have experienced the past few years-- that my experience of this relationship is different than his, but that it's consistent. That way, he can't think that I'm being "irrational" for feeling pain about this thing with LAGirl; that way, he can't think that his perception is the only perception.

Talking about all of those memories brought up the night that we met. Even that night, we remember differently. He remembers a lot more about the sex than I do; he remembers what we talked about before and after; he remembers every position. I was so high on coke at that point that it's a blur. I remember more about our first conversations in the bar and immediately back at his place. It is all so strange.

In any case, we had sex and then went to bed. He told me that he loves me. I loved it and hated it at once. I felt indulgent, but also guilty for ignoring the part of me that is desperately trying to cling to my anger-- to my truth.

The next morning as I was brushing my teeth, I decided to be bold.

"Can I ask you something?" I began.

"Yeah, sure. What?"

"Um... Is there any particular reason why my toothbrush is back in your cabinet?"

Oh man, did I just say that?

"What do you mean?" he asked, seemingly ruffled. "Didn't you put it there?"

"Um, no, Narc. I always put it back under the sink."

"Does it matter?" he laughed.

This was awkward.

"Don't you remember having a very explicit conversation about it? Don't you remember telling me that my toothbrush had to be kept under the sink, lest it make some kind of statement?"

"Oh. Uh-- yeah, I guess," he muttered. "I mean, at the time I felt like there should just be my toothbrush in there, I guess. But... now it doesn't bother me. I don't know, Hyde..."

"Ok. I was just asking," I said.

Later, we headed over to Megu for lunch-- that fancy Japanese place he took me to a few weeks ago. I told him that I cut my ankle the other day. (I'm sure he saw it the night before anyway). He didn't ask me why. He only told me that he had another friend who struggled with cutting and put it down for years, but then picked up again when she broke up with an abusive boyfriend.

"Yeah, it's hard," I said.

I didn't know what else to say. I don't think he did either. I just didn't want to feel weird about it.

After lunch, I graded papers at his place for a few hours while he watched TV. The evening fell. It was time for another meal.

Narc wanted to find a pint of Guinness, but there are no "proper" Irish pubs in his neighborhood. We walked around for a while in search of one, only to find the sole neighborhood pub closed down for renovations. Finally, we settled on Mai House on Franklin Street.

The food there was really excellent. But while we were eating, somehow the subject of birthdays came up.

"Speaking of birthdays, can I ask you something?" I interjected.

(Uh oh. Another "Can I ask you something...")

"Yeah, sure."

"Why don't you ever invite me to your birthday parties?"

It was an uncomfortable question. But somehow, I just asked it.

"Um... I don't know, Hyde. I mean, I don't really have birthday parties," he stammered. "It's just a few friends..."

"Yeah, but why don't you invite me?"

"I don't send out invitations," he laughed.

"No, really-- why haven't you ever asked me to come?"

"Well, it's just a few of us. Just a few close friends, you know?"

"Close friends? You spend waaaaay more time with me than you do with anyone else."

"It's not a measure of friendship," he said.

I just looked at him plainly.

"Look, I don't know, Hyde!" he said, starting to get defensive. "You probably wouldn't want to come-- that's why. I mean, everyone would be drinking."

"First of all, this is the fourth birthday I'll have known you for. I haven't been sober for that long. Besides, that can't really have anything to do with it. You drink around me all the time. And even if I wouldn't want to come, you could still invite me and let that be my call."

"You want to come? Fine, so come this year. I think we're going to see Indiana Jones or something."

"I don't want to impose, Narc. I only wanted to know why you had never asked me."

I was hoping I hadn't ruined the night by being so forward. Either way, I didn't regret the conversation. But I was glad when we were somehow able to move on.

NDN was texting me that he felt really sick. I called him when we left the restaurant. Narc wanted to stop at a deli, so we did a little grocery shopping while I checked in with NDN on the phone.

As for the rest, everything was fine that night... sort of.

Narc kept talking about some costume party he had been invited to for the following night. He has a new friend, R-- some architect he met at Blaue Gans. R invited him to the party. Narc asked LAGirl to come along. It stung. I wish it didn't, but it did. Furthermore, I saw that he had sent her a text, asking her: spend the weekend with me. I couldn't let on that I had seen it. Later, she wrote him something back telling him that she couldn't go to the party because she would be perpetually busy until the "end of term." I guess she's in school or something. Either way, it doesn't sound like she's interested in him.

But, I had to crush my feelings somewhere and tuck them away into oblivion so that I wouldn't explode or once again, vomit my soul out into the toilet bowl. It hurt.

Oh well... can't dwell, right?

The next morning I had to wake up relatively early to meet Contessa and her husband for brunch up in Inwood. Bezoukhoff and I and Contessa and her husband all had tickets to see Pomerium at the Cloisters (the medieval museum). I met them for brunch at a cafe up on 187th street (quite a haul from Tribeca!) and then we walked through the park to the museum and met up with Bezoukhoff. Contessa told me that I have the "perfect family." I had to laugh. In any case, she seems to be doing okay, considering what she must be feeling with the loss of her father.

The concert was beautiful. They sang Renaissance motets about the Passion and Resurrection. My favorite composer was Gesualdo. He had quite a dramatic bio too! Afterwards, we all walked around the museum for a bit before Contessa and her husband had to take off. Bezoukhoff and I continued meandering and I contemplated plucking out my eyebrows and shaving back my hairline so that I could become a medieval beauty. I at least want to get myself some medieval headgear. After two hours or so, I bought a book called Wonderful Blood in the bookstore, we grabbed lunch at a nearby diner and then hopped in a cab back downtown to meet B and his wife at church for the Easter Vigil.

Bezoukhoff and I got there first, but we found B without too much of a problem. His wife seemed startled when I said hello. It's always awkward for me to see her because I know that she hates me just for the very fact of my existence. It's an uncomfortable feeling. In any case, the service was beautiful in a restrained, Anglican kind of way. Afterwards, B asked if we wanted to go out for a bite, but I had to turn them down, as I had to dash off to Pixie's party.

Pixie held her birthday dinner at a Union Square restaurant called Japonais. She invited about ten girls. I brought Bezoukhoff along, which momentarily felt awkward, but it all worked out in the end. I realized being there, how much time I've spent away from AA fellowship lately. I miss it and I think it's no good for me to be investing so much of my time into Narc. It's got to be a poor investment! On the other hand, I can't seem to stop myself...

By the time dinner was through, I was absolutely exhausted. I hadn't been home since Thursday, I was grimy and dizzy and tired and couldn't wait to crawl into bed.

On Easter morning I overslept. I had to dash out of the house, slightly disoriented and only once I was in the taxi did I realize that I had forgotten my wallet. Thankfully, I had about $15 jammed into my jeans pocket-- just enough to pay for the cab and get me on the train to see my family.

At my parents house, I had a mini shopping spree! (Well, sort of...) I had stored a lot of clothes there a while back-- clothes that have been too small on me for years, but now fit. So, I got try everything on and it was a lot of fun. I came home with half of a new wardrobe!

At 1:00 PM we went over to Bro-in-Law's parents' house for Easter dinner. It was a really nice afternoon. I love playing with his sister's kids (D&D). And I got to have my first ever go at "Guitar Hero." I loved it!! I loved it so much that I left there determined to get myself some kind of game system so that I could play at home. JBC volunteered his old Ps2. Fantastic!

Meanwhile, Narc and I were texting all afternoon. He has a funny idea about making a live-action Jem & the Holograms movie, and my sisters and I were trying to construct the perfect cast. I also got to make my amends to Bro-in-Law, and that went really well. He is just so amazing. He told me that he feels like I'm a sister and that he's just grateful to get to know me even more now that I'm sober. He said that he loves me and that he's proud of me. I feel so lucky to have him in my family.

I didn't get back home until after 10:00 PM that night, after waiting on a very long and cold taxi line at Penn Station. I was carrying a duffel full of all of those clothes plus the Ps2! Back home, after showering and chatting for a while with a friend from AA, I gave Narc a call. Of course, he invited me down. I think I arrived at around 1:00 AM, sandwiches, Doritos, Gatorade, red bull and ice cream in tow. We stayed up for a while talking and watching TV. He was excited about my acquisition of a PlayStation. (Remember, he can "love, love, LOVE" me if I become a "gamer chick").

The next afternoon we headed over to Chinatown for soup dumplings, bubble tea and video game shopping. Over lunch, I semi-convinced Narc to make a pact with me that we will both be more productive, get more sleep and wake up earlier this week. At the game shop, we picked up "God of War" and FF12. Then we headed back to my place to set up the system.

Narc got it all arranged in pretty short order. He introduced me to Final Fantasy 12 and before I knew it, I had been playing for four hours. I'm not sure if this is all such a good idea for someone like me with an addictive personality and a PhD to finish. In any case, he skipped his tarot class to stay with me while I played. At 9:00 PM, I could play no more and so we headed over to Rosa Mexicana for dinner. Narc called his friend Smith who lives on the Upper East Side, inviting him to join us, but Smith was otherwise occupied. After dinner, we stopped in at Cheers because Narc wanted a pint of Guinness. I guess he's on a Guiness kick... BarMan was there, but otherwise the place was pretty empty. I was glad that Narc reminded me that it was PumpedUp's birthday. I always like to leave him a card and a little something. This year I gave him a chocolate "Wonka egg." Ha ha...

Anyway, back at my place, Narc insisted that we try out "God of War."

"Aren't I supposed to be monogamous to one game at a time?" I asked. "Isn't that what you told me this afternoon?"

"Well, you have to try them all out first and then see which one you want to be monogamous with!" he laughed.

"Oh, is that how it works?" I raised an eyebrow. "That's never the way I do it. I usually try only one and if it's okay, I just decide to stick with it."

We popped the game in, waited a second and--

nothing.

The system wouldn't read the disc. Not easily defeated, we tried again.

Nothing.

Then the color went out and the screen went fuzzy. It would appear that my newly acquired PS2 was already fried. I was crestfallen. So was he.

Still, not easily defeated (I said I was stubborn, right?) I went online to see if anyone else had suffered similar problems. The one suggestion I kept coming across was that we clean the lens. That, however, was easier said than done. It required dismantling the system and I all I had for tools was my tiny "matryoshka" hammer. Yet, somehow, after about an hour, we managed to remove all the screws (even with one of them slightly stirpped.) Both of us were half delerious with chapped hands from grabbing on to the tiny screwdrivers so tightly. Once we finally got the thing apart, I couldn't find any rubbing alcohol. This project, which we wouldn't give up on, sent us back out at 2:00 AM to Duane Reade for the alcohol and compressed air. We finally got the lens cleaned, finally got the system put back together, finally plugged it in and-- color was back!

And then... the color was gone.

:(

I was so sad. It was still broken. No "God of War" for me.

Narc promised that tomorrow morning he'll take me back to Chinatown and we'll get a new "used" PS2. I hope it's not too much money.

Anyway, after that there wasn't much else to do except go to bed. We had made a deal to both have productive days, so the alarm was set and this morning we were up with a groan.

We got dressed while Highlander was blaring on the TV and then I came here to teach. I am still obsessed with looking medieval, so I've been shopping around online for a caul or coronet or fillet or snood. Like I said-- it's all about the headgear.

Um... well, that's it for now. Hope everyone has had a happy Easter and that we are all able to die to death and spiritually resurrect ourselves for yet another year. And I hope I figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life... in short order.

lots of love,

h

In Text

2008-03-19T17:48:00.002-04:00

Hyde:
So, my therapist wouldn't tell me what to do.

Narc:
They never do my dear.

Hyde:
Fuck that. Guess I'm back to turning all pain back on myself. Or numbing out with TV. Off to a voice lesson now. Perhaps sublimation in art will offer some relief.

Narc:
"Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something." So says Wesley from "The Princess Bride."

Hyde:
Yes, but where to put it so it doesn't kill you? I'm starting to get pissed off. Just when I thought I didn't know how to feel anger...

Narc:
Don't know what to tell you, hon. If you're feeling depressed or angry over this "Me and LA-Girl" thing you're imagining, then perhaps we shouldn't see each other...

No more pain for you. Problem solved.

Hyde:
That's not what I'm trying to say. I'm just trying to sort through my feelings. Maybe should have txtd someone other than you. If I want to stop hanging out, I'll let you know. Please don't patronize me, though, by telling me that I'm imagining things. Thanks.

Narc:
I won't patronize you so long as you don't continue to make vast and sweeping assumptions about people you don't know and have never met.

Hyde:
Besides, do you really think not having you in my life means "no more pain" for me? I love you, remember?

Narc:
Well, it's degrees of pain, I guess. I'm going to date again eventually, so are you. Don't know why you're suddenly so paranoid about this just now.

Hyde:
I have no assumptions about LA-Girl. But really, I don't want to talk about this via text. Sorry if I started it. Didn't mean to.

Narc:
K.

Hyde:
Heading into voice now. Love you.

Escalation, Regression

2008-03-18T14:30:00.010-04:00

I'm not in very good shape. Not at all. I don't even really have the energy to explain. At the same time, I'm totally fine. Everything is just totally fine. Nobody would notice that I'm in terrible shape.

Narc called me late on Sunday night-- around 2:00 AM. He came over. I asked him how his wine tasting thing was. He told me that he took LA-Girl and that afterwards she came back to his place and they polished off two bottles of wine. Then she passed out (in his bed) and so he slept next to her. He said they were fully clothed. I asked him if he kissed her; he said no. I asked him if he put his arms around her; he said yes.

I am so entirely grossed out.

Anyway, it was a rough night for me. We talked in circles about it. He kept trying to assure me that he's not interested in this girl, that he loves me, etc. But I know better. I told him that my intuition told me years ago that PopStarChick was trouble, but I ignored that intuition. My intuition told me that Laurie was trouble. I can sense these shifts in his energy. I told him that. I told him that the first time PopStar appeared on my radar was June, 2005. And Laurie? Things turned with her this past fall. He admitted that I was right-- that my intuition was pretty much dead on.

"But, am I supposed to live my life by your intuition, Hyde?" he asked.

"No. But I'M supposed to live my life by my intuition."

He kept telling me that he loves me and that he and LA-Girl are "just friends."

"Just friends?" I exclaimed. "Aren't we 'just friends'???"

He didn't really answer that.

The bottom line-- he told me that he really likes this girl, that she's cute and that he likes to flirt with her, so she's going to be a part of his life.

"I don't want her to be a part of my life," I said. "But you're a part of my life, Narc, and if she's a part of yours, I only see one solution."

"What? That I get rid of her? It's not going to happen," he said.

"No, that I get rid of you. Although I can't believe I'm even saying that."

"This is SO stupid, Hyde!" he said. "You want to end our relationship over this girl that I'm not even interested in! If you want to be all dramatic and find a reason to be in pain and make melodrama, go right ahead. But that's your business."

"I'm not being dramatic," I said. "I just don't want to get hurt. I ignored my feelings last time, and it hurt like hell. I don't want to get hurt."

I brought up the whole thing with PopStar. He got defensive.

"YOU were intimate with other people too," he said.

"What? When?"

"I remember your blog, Hyde."

"What? KHill peed on my hand while I was wasted, two and a half years ago on the street on Second Avenue and you're calling that intimate? That's insane."

"How do I know your blog isn't filled with stories like that."

"You want to know what my blog's filled with Narc?"

"What?"

"You really want to know?"

"Yeah."

"It's about you. It's about now I love you. If you read it, you'd probably think I was ridiculous. But that's what it's about."

"Yeah, maybe I would," he said.

When we were heading to bed, I showed him how I had cleaned up my closets.

"Wow! There will be nothing left on your agenda to get your life in order by 30," he laughed. (That had been my stated goal.)

"Yes, there's still something left."

"What?"

"Fall in love with someone other than you," I said.

"That's real nice," he muttered. "Thanks."

Later, we got in bed. I didn't want to take my clothes off.

"Just take your clothes off," he said.

"I can't. I feel weird."

"Can't you feel weird with your clothes off?"

"No."

He tried to snuggle me. I was trying not to cry.

"What do you want, Hyde? A marriage proposal?"

"No. I just want to feel special," I said.

"Well, I can't promise you that I can make you feel special. But I can promise you that I love you, okay? You know that I love you."

"I don't know," I said.

Then I tried to kiss him. Maybe I just wanted validation. He didn't want to kiss. He wanted to go to sleep.

"Why don't you want to kiss me?" I asked.

"I'm tired," he said. "It doesn't mean anything. Stop analyzing."

He passed out and was snoring so loudly that I couldn't sleep. I was up until nearly 6:00 AM. I had to go remove myself and sleep on my own couch.

The next morning, I crawled back into bed with him at around 10:30 AM. When he woke up, he had an erection. I thought he wanted to have sex, but instead he just wanted to masturbate in my mouth. Nice.

We stayed in bed though and later had sex too. I don't know what I was thinking about.

He said we had to get food.

"But not Indian," I said. "I had that yesterday."

"So did I!" he said. "And I left the containers all out in my living room."

"That's not like you," I smiled. "You're always so neat!"

"Well, not to bring up a sore subject, but LA-Girl left the stuff out. She stayed at my place all day on Sunday until I had to leave for M's birthday dinner. So, we had lunch."

I felt like I was going to puke.

For the rest of the afternoon, I thought I might have a panic attack. I didn't let on though. We talked about masochistic love. I was really nice to him and tried to make things as normal as possible. He knew I was sad though. He could see the sadness.

He took a shower and wanted me to come in with him. I didn't want to. I gave him a blow job before he went in, and then while he was in there, I took a razor and cut my ankle. It helped. I felt a little better.

"It's nothing, Hyde," he said again when he came out of the shower.

I didn't have time to bandage myself up, and I didn't want him to see what I had done. I was worried that the cuff of my jeans were going to get stained on the inside.

"It's not nothing to me," I answered.

"I don't know what you want to do, then," he said.

"I have to talk to my therapist. Maybe when you're done playing with her, we can resume as usual."

"I'm not playing with her," he said.

"Narc, I know you like her. You have other female friends that I don't care about. I'm not a crazy jealous person. But I know you're into her. You had a date."

"It wasn't a date."

"What do you call it when you take a girl to a wine tasting, bring her back to your place, get drunk and then go to sleep with her in your arms?"

"It wasn't like that. She just passed out," he said.

"But you slept with your arms around her."

"It's just nice to feel another person once in a while," he said. "It's a guy thing."

"I don't want to sleep in your bed when another girl has slept there the night before. And I don't want to sleep in your arms when another girl has slept there the night before."

"Again, Hyde-- this is your little drama. It's not a big deal."

Anyway, it went on like that until he had to leave for his class.

After he left, I spoke to a few of my girlfriends from AA. Then I had to leave to meet Jake for dinner. TT had sent me a text, though: At Cheers. Please stop by.

So, on my way to meet Jake, I stopped in at Cheers. TT gave me a big hug hello and bought me a soda. As I could only stay for a few minutes, I promised to come back on my way home.

Jake and I met at an awesome little place in Little Korea-- Bon Chon Chicken. It was atmospheric. We ate chicken and caught up on life. Afterwards, we had Pinkberry and walked back to my neighborhood. I asked Jake if he wanted to come with me to Cheers. I thought I could use some cheering up by getting attention from TT.

TT seemed glad to see me and gave me another hug hello. I introduced him to Jake and then made my way over to the bar to get us drinks. I got held up saying hello to the old cast of characters-- PumpedUp, ThursdayGirl, BarMan, one of the Columbians, etc. By the time I went to look for TT again, I found him drunk-dancing with some girl. He was all over her, kissing her neck and dipping her in his dance. I have to say-- I was a little bewildered. Jake was laughing at me, as the situation was so utterly ridiculous. He said we should get up and dance too.

"What! No-- no use in making drama. But I don't get what this is about."

Anyway, at some point, the drunk girl he was dancing with disappeared and I approached TT to say hi.

"It looks like you've got a tall, handsome fella," he said. "Why don't you go work that thing."

Now it was starting to make sense.

"I'm not with Jake!" I laughed. "We've been friends for 10 years-- since college. He lives with his girlfriend!"

"Maybe it's just his height," said TT. "I'm not used to guys being as tall as I am. I guess it's intimidating." (They are both about 6'4")

This was so strange though. I talked to TT for a moment or two longer, but there was nothing to say given this weird dynamic.

"I think it's going to be one of those mornings tomorrow with a bad judgement call," he said.

I wasn't sure if he meant that he had made a bad judgement call, that the drunk girl he had been dancing with had made a bad judgement call. It wasn't at all clear. He was a little incoherent.

Anyway, in the midst of all that, Narc texted me to see what I was up to. I don't know why, but I wrote him back (something about the John Adams show on HBO first).

Missing you tonight, I said.

As for tonight, welcome to come down if you like, will be up for a bit, he answered.

I wasn't sure what I wanted or what I felt. I told him I would call him when I left Cheers.

At midnight, Jake and I headed home. I stopped in to say hi to NDN and his friend before going back to my place. Then I texted Narc:

Yeah, I think I'll come. Don't want to be by myself right now. Leaving in 5...

I almost couldn't breathe as I was approaching his building.

You can do this. You can do this, Hyde, I kept telling myself. I didn't want to be there since that girl had just been there. I felt sick about it. But there had to be a first time, right? Just get in there and erase her energy, I repeated.

Narc and I watched some TV. That movie "Dead Again" was on. At around 2:30 AM, I told him I had to get to bed. I had to teach the next day.

We got in bed. This time I slept naked. It was strange. We had sex. It felt good, but in a masochistic way. This morning I got up and got dressed and things felt almost normal. They are normal, I guess. How is this any different from what's been going on the entire time?

He hugged me goodbye when I left. I was wearing my winter coat and he was naked. I liked that I had a barrier on. He seemed more vulnerable that way.

Anyway, since then, I've been here at school doing midterm reviews. And I'm enjoying the fact that my ankle is all scratched up. I like looking at it. I like feeling the sting. But I hate that I indulged that part of myself. It's a bad habit that I thought I had put to bed a long time ago.

Bottom line-- I can't wait for therapy tomorrow. I really, really need help right now. But overall, I'm okay, I guess. One of my friends in AA suggested I do another fourth step but just on my relationship with Narc. I think I will. Obviously it needs a thorough house-cleaning. Oh, and in other news, the Alaskan just gave Hammer an engagement ring. I've only seen it via cell-phone photo, but it looks beautiful. It's diamond with a cabochon ruby.

Um... so that's it.

More later when there's more to tell.

love,
h

O dieses Licht, wie lang verlosch es nicht!*

2008-03-16T18:58:00.005-04:00

It has been a strange weekend. Good in many ways, but I'm depressed nonetheless.

On Thursday night, after AA, and after picking up some yogurt and a banana at the deli, I was on my way home and happened to walk right by KHill. I haven't seen him in forever. It was the strangest thing-- that crush that I used to have on him came flooding back and I was suddenly so hyper. Our eyes met, but we didn't pause or say hello. Then he and his friends headed into Cheers and I, with my head spinning, came home. I was off the wall about it, although I'm not sure why. It triggered something old in me... something that wanted to go out and get into trouble. I wanted to get all dressed up and go over to the bar, as much as I knew it was a bad idea. It's the first time I've ever felt one of those "people/places/things" triggers that strongly. In any case, I called my sponsor, talked to Brick and went next door to my neighbor's place where NDN was hanging out and the two of them were cooking dinner. It took me a long time to come out of that strange, hyper "Hyde" feeling-- to come back to being "Jekyll." So strange.

On Friday I got to spend some time with Hammer in the early afternoon. I went over to her apartment with some bubble tea and we just hung out there for a while. Later that evening, I met Contessa at the opera. It was a strange night at Lincoln Center.

First of all, we had agreed to meet at the fountain, but that was impossible, as the entire plaza was walled off due to construction. Then, in the lobby, I bumped into my department chair (who I really don't like!) and we had to say awkward "hello's."

We were there for Tristan & Isolde with Ben Heppner and Deborah Voigt, but the general manager came out to explain that Heppner was out with a "very bad virus," although "the rest of the cast was in excellent health!" He presented our new "Tristan" who was singing the role for the first time. (And it is a notoriously difficult role). The audience was very supportive.

Then, in Act II, right in the middle of the act, Deborah Voigt just walked off stage. The tenor kept right on singing as the curtain fell on him, the house lights went out, the orchestra stopped and the orchestra pit went dark. Just at that point, the line on the subtitle screen was something like "in the darkness, unknown and unimagined, dimly perceived." For a moment, I thought it was some kind of strange interpretation to go with the ultramodern minimalist sets. Then someone cried out "the power is out!" The audience began to murmur. A moment later, Peter Gelb, the general manager, appeared to explain.

"Ms. Voigt has had a sudden illness and can not continue. She will be replaced by Janice Baird. Please bear with us."

Again-- strange...

When Baird first started to sing, I didn't think her voice could match the power of Deborah Voigt, but by the third act, she had won me over. I fully experienced the opera that night, in the supreme sense of it. I think I was entirely transfigured by the liebestod. Then again, it's not to hard to sell me on those ideas.

As I explained in an email to GoldenFinch, I entirely identified with and understood the day/night imagery perhaps for the first time. Their love (represented by the orchestral music) is so detached from reality. It is entirely self-contained so that it is its own only truth. Tristan and Isolde become the universe to each other (as in "I AM Heathcliff!") because their love exists in a world outside all other worldly phenomena. In its own realm, it's not in sync with reality. It's the same bubble I slip into with Narc. Brangaene warns Isolde not to distinguish her torch (don't go down to Tribeca!) but she ignores the warning. Then, while they're singing the love duet (O sink down upon us, night of love. Make me forget I live: take me into your bosom, free me from the world!) Brangaene's protests are offstage, far away, vain-- a faint echo of reality.

"There is a 'real world' and this relationship is not reality!" she says. "Beware. Come back. King Marke and quotidian responsibilities are coming!"

Even the fact that they fell in love by drinking a potion-- it's strong enough to die for even though it isn't natural or the truest of "true" love. It's where I am-- the love might be imagined or invented, but it is still overwhelming me. And I'm lost in the swimming sickness of that "noumenal" world and have to keep yanking myself back into the "phenomenal." How can I stay present and write papers when there is the ever flowing tide of nauseating love-death music in my soul???

Anyway... so that was the opera of Friday night. I think that the libestod made me half orgasm and half cry. (Probably what it was intended to do, right?)

The whole time we were there, Narc was texting me. He wanted to see me and was probably bored waiting, as it was a six hour opera. I finally got out at almost 1:00 AM.

Coming down? he wrote.

I stopped at the deli to get him some Gatorade and to get me some dinner and jumped into a cab. We sat up talking for a long time-- mostly about his "breakup" with James and ModelChick.

"They're both no loss," he said. "They weren't the kind of people I want in my life anymore. I mean, ModelChick was a useful person to have for parties, but..."

"Useful?" I inquired.

"Well, yeah, because she's so beautiful-- she makes the party look good. You know-- she's a pretty ornament."

"I'm sure there are plenty of pretty ornaments out there who won't fuck you over emotionally," I said.

"Yeah. I guess it's just my thing for ditsy blonds. Blame it on my mother being one of them. But they usually fuck you over."

The conversation turned to some other things. Then he brought up something strange.

"You know-- it's been three years since that prophecy and I guess it's not going to come true."

"The angel who visited you?"

"Yeah."

(For those of you who weren't reading my blog three years ago, back in July '05, Narc said that he was visited by an angel who told him three things-- that he would make a movie, but probably only one; that he should become a vegetarian; and that he would marry someone he already knew within three years and that it would be the "first happiness he has ever known.")

"It might still come true," I said. "You never know!"

"No. It won't. The three years are up in June!"

"Maybe it's not three years exactly. And you almost got married to PopStar, right?"

"'Almost' doesn't count," he said. "She was so positive about it-- so authoritative. I was sure it would happen, but it's not going to now. Think about it Hyde," he laughed, "There are no more women in my life! I've cut them all out! PopStar is gone, Laurie's gone, the Exhibitionist is gone, ModelChick is gone, Danielle is gone. I have not a single female around. Of course it's not going to come true!"

"Yeah, I guess," I said.

But seriously-- what am I supposed to think, feel or say when he says things like that? Do I not exist? Or do I just not count? Did he say it on purpose? It's not like I want to marry Narc. Even in my most fucked up imaginings of the future, there's no way that we can have any kind of real life together. But still... it was either immensely dense, or else intentionally hurtful.

In any case, we went to bed around 3:00 AM, had sex during which I ignored my spiritual discomfort, and that was that.

On Saturday he said that he had to meet his friend the Shark for lunch, so I headed back up to my apartment and resumed my most recent apartment project-- an overhauling of my closets. I have been in the rare mood to throw things away and I'm ditching about 80% of my wardrobe. Narc later wrote to me that the Shark cancelled on him. Whatever...

At around 3:00 PM, StarGazer called me to ask if I had heard the news-- a huge crane had wiped out an entire townhouse and part of another building not far from where I live. In fact, "Fubar" was decimated. (I used to go there on weeknights after Cheers had closed, and then if Manchester also closed or stopped serving me b/c I was too drunk. Fubar was always open until 4:00 AM and sometimes a little later. And poor NDN-- that's his favorite bar!)

Later that evening, I had plans to meet B on the Upper West Side. We met for Chinese food, poked around Barnes & Noble and then headed over to a church on 66th Street to hear the Astoria Symphony. It was a great program-- a piece by Puccini, Barber's Adagio for Strings, an original work by a composer who was there in there in the audience, and then after the intermission-- Beethoven's 5th. I'm not a number one fan of symphonic music, but the Barber holds a special place in my heart, and as for the Beethoven-- I experienced it like never before. The orchestra was youthful and energetic and the space was acoustically brilliant and we were so close. I felt like an organic part of the music and not just a passive member of the audience. Also, my brain seems to be able to pull apart musical lines much easier and sustain attention much better these days. I swear-- it's the clearing of the alcoholic fog. I hear music the way I used to.

B's wife has been out of town all weekend. It was nice to spend such a long evening with him again. I miss the way we used to hang out as best friends. After the concert we walked to Pinkberry and then I got in a cab to head home.

I was anxious. Anxious upon anxious. Why? Because when I had left Narc that morning, he told me that he was going to a wine tasting that evening. And I know that he invited LA-Girl to go with him. I can't say or prove that he's "dating" her, but he is certainly still flirting with her in a way that makes me feel sick if I let myself think of it-- sending her suggestive texts and what not. I did my best to shove my feelings down into the pit of my stomach, since I didn't know what else to do with them, and I just came home.

Then I watched TV for hours. And guess what? I finally finished all of Lost!!!! So, I'm all caught up and the pressure of those marathons of Lost has dissipated. I don't have to watch another episode until we get a new one on Thursday. Phew! I think I went to bed at around 3:00 AM. I felt like my gut was chewing itself apart and tearing at all the walls of my insides.

Today I had brunch with StarGazer and another friend from AA (I can't remember if I've given her a blog name). It was raining out and I walked past the wreckage from that crane. On the way home, I smoked cigarettes and didn't care if my hair got wet. It felt a little liberating. But really, I just felt like crying. Nobody understands why I'm still in this thing. I don't understand it either. There is nowhere to go for comfort, for understanding. There is no one who can shut this off except me, and I just- can't- do- it. I just can't. I just can't. But I hate this so fucking much.

I hate it.

Anyway, for the rest of the afternoon today, I've been working on my apartment-- cleaning, organizing and trying not to vomit my soul out into the toilet. Even if I did, there would be nothing to do next except clean the toilet. I know he has dinner plans tonight on the Upper East Side for his friend M's birthday. I'm kind of obsessing about it and then telling myself to shut up.

Oh, and I'm dreading St. Patrick's Day. I hated it even when I was drinking. I never had fun on that day and my neighborhood gets colonized by drunks. Now it's 10 times worse.

But... that's it for now. I'm listening to a million different versions of the song "Hallelujah." And I just ordered Indian food off "seamless web." Oh, and Hammer just IM'd me. So, I think I'm gonna spell check and then get off blogger. I need to stop obsessing about myself anyway.

love,
h

* Oh, this light, how long before it was extinguished!

Toiletries and Song

2008-03-13T13:54:00.004-04:00

Finally... a day with a little less drama! Nothing too dramatic has happened in the past few days, but today is the first day I'm feeling grounded and a little more "normal."

I was stood up by a Professor on Tuesday evening, even though I scrambled to get to school between teaching and AA. It was really annoying. After the meeting, I went to the diner with Meema and some others, and then home to use all of my amazing new shower products.

I have been obsessed with smelling like coconut lately. Yes, that's right... I am obsessed with coconut. I have always loved coconuts. We have a long history. Coconut, coconut, coconut. Coconut everything. (Life would be simpler if I actually WERE a coconut). But, the point is, I bought a million coconut/vanilla products at Sabon on Friday and finally got to make luxurious use of them.

Narc wanted me to come down and see him again, but I felt a little guilty leaving my beloved cat for yet another night. I had already slept at his place the previous three nights in a row. I told him I wasn't sure, but then at around midnight, decided to go. I brought him chocolate chip cookies, we watched some TV and then went to bed.

Yesterday I had my voice lesson in the afternoon and worked my ass off singing Pace, pace mio dio. My voice teacher showed me a new technique of holding a scarf around my rib cage to better gauge what's going on with my breathing. I think it's going to really help when I practice. After that, I walked to therapy (which was a pretty long walk), had a great session and then texted Narc. B had invited me to a 6:00 PM concert that night at the Tribeca Arts Center, just a few blocks from where Narc lives. I got out of therapy at 4:00 and didn't really have time to go home, so I asked Narc if I could come back to his place until 5:45 or so.

When I got there, he was pretty much doing the same thing that he had been doing when I left-- wasting time on the Internet. He had gone to Bed, Bath & Beyond to buy a tea kettle. He said he was supposed to meet two writers later to talk about a rewrite for one of his scripts. I hung out on his bed, while he sat at the computer and then we both left together.

Once I got to B's concert, I was very confused. I seemed to be the only one there. The orchestra was up on stage rehearsing and when I caught B's eye, he signaled to me, asking what I was doing there.

You told me 6:00! I signalled back.

It turns out that the concert wasn't scheduled to start until 8:00, and that he had given me the rehearsal time instead. I was a little aggravated, but brushed it off as an honest mistake and settled into a seat in the auditorium with some reading for one of my papers.

I was really proud of B for last night. He has always fantasized about playing the cello and at every orchestra concert we've ever attended, he has been jealous of the cello section. He started playing just a few years ago, and just recently found a beginner level orchestra. It certainly wasn't a very polished performance, to say the least, but I was so happy to see him up there.

There were only two awkward moments in the course of the evening-- the first: B told me that he read my last blog post. I was entirely unaware that he ever bothered to still read my blog, and I felt completely embarrassed that he read all of that "love" stuff about Narc. The second: another friend of his at the concert mistook me for his wife. B quickly told her that I was his "best friend," but I still felt weird about it.

At the intermission, there was a mother and her two kids in the bathroom. One of the little girls, a chubby 6-year-old (or so) with frizzy hair in a cute little ponytail was jumping up and down, urging her mom to hurry up.

"We're gonna miss it! We're gonna miss it, mommy!" she kept saying.

Her mom was basically ignoring her, trying to take care of her little sister.

"Mommy, I don't want to miss it! When I hear music... it makes me want to FLY!" she exclaimed.

It was so beautiful to me-- that this mediocre concert so touched the heart of that little girl. She was filled with such simple appreciation and wonder. I felt like I was going to cry. She reminded me a little bit of myself when I was little and for some reason, that made me feel sad.

Anyway, they made it back to their seats in time, as did I, for the Fauré Requiem. Narc texted me during the intermission that his meeting was done, and asked about the concert. I told him it was only halfway through. At the end, I texted him again, asking if I should come by. He said he wanted to just read and go to bed early. In a way, I was grateful. I think (for the first time ever?) I was a little sick of spending all that time with him.

I'm still confused about where he is on all of that. I can't get the image out of my head, of our two toothbrushes together in his medicine cabinet. They are laying front to back, almost as if they are spooning each other.

In any case, it was good for me to sleep at home last night. I got to catch up on a little more Lost. (Narc has completely left me in the dust and is able to watch new episodes now. I'm still in the middle of Season 3).

This morning he sent me another text:
Finally got James on the phone, at least all that's over with... Ugh, talk about needing a drink...!

I wrote back:
Oh, man! Just be nice to yourself today. It's almost Easter-- death & resurrection are in the air. It's a good thing. And I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself. :)

He didn't answer after that. So... I just continued on my day and taught my first class. I'm feeling a little run down, so I kind of can't wait for the day to be over. Maybe I need another date with my coconut body scrub. But overall, everything is okay right now.

love,
h

Who knows...

2008-03-11T13:59:00.006-04:00

At last... I finally have a moment to post something. (Although I probably should be catching up on some reading for my research paper, but whatever...) Things are a million times better than when I posted last week and I suppose I should remember that-- that no matter how bad I'm feeling at any given time, it most certainly will pass.

Anyway, a lot has been happening. On Thursday I was anxiously awaiting contact from Narc after sending that text to him on Wednesday night-- that I wanted to explain why I needed space. He called at around 3:30 while I was in my office. He sounded like he had just gotten out of bed.

"My office-mate is here, so I really can't talk right now," I said. "Can I call you later tonight?"

"Sure."

"After AA-- around 9:00?"

"Yeah, fine."

So, I managed to slog through the rest of the day. I was happy to see StarGazer at AA-- a friendly face, solace from the chaos in my head. When I got out of the meeting, Narc had sent me a text telling me that he had gone to dinner with his friend Smith. I wrote back that he should call me before midnight or else we could talk the next day. I didn't want to try to do this over a drunken phone call at 3:00 AM.

I went home that night and watched old episodes of The Sopranos. Surprisingly, Narc called at around 11:30.

"What's up?" he said.

"Not much... just here watching TV."

"I think I have to break it off with ModelChick and James."

"What?"

"Yeah-- I found out that James fucked her. I specifically asked him not to."

We talked about that for a while longer. ModelChick is Narc's ex-girlfriend and still friend. Apparently James used to hit on her and Narc specifically asked him not to sleep with her. He said that he was determined to completely end his relationship with both of them. I felt bad for him. But then again, he chooses the shittiest people to spend his time with.

Because we were talking about James (and what a whore he can be) Narc mentioned LA-Girl (in the context of James fucking her in LA). I took my opening and just blurted it out.

"Yeah, LA-Girl..." I muttered. "Narc-- are you dating her?"

My heart was in my throat after I said it.

"What? No!" he exclaimed.

"Because that's what I wanted to talk to you about," I went on. "I think you're dating her."

"I'm not. Why would you think that?"

"Because you said your Oscar party was just guys and then later said she was there. And then on Friday when I asked you what you were up to, you blatantly ignored my question and that was the night you saw her..."

"She just came by on Oscar night!" he said. "It's not like I invited her-- she just stopped by!"

"She knew where you lived?"

"Well, no-- she called about doing the movie and then I told her I had people over and she should swing by. It wasn't a big deal. And on that Friday I met her for a meeting about the movie at Flor del Sol. She only came back here so we could print the script. It wasn't a date. And that's the only time I saw her."

I wanted to say that I KNEW he saw her again on Monday night, but I couldn't.

"Look, it's not about the specifics," I said. "Obviously, you're not my boyfriend, you can date whomever you want. I'm just saying-- I'm uncomfortable. I haven't been sleeping well at your house. Remember how I woke up so early on Sunday?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"And then again on Wednesday-- I just woke up alert. I didn't feel right. I don't feel right being in a sexual relationship with someone who is dating or pursuing somebody else."

"I'm not dating or pursuing LA-Girl."

"Well, if not LA-Girl, then whoever... but the point is that I feel too vulnerable being sexually intimate with you and not knowing if at any moment I'm going to turn around and you'll be gone. You're not the only one who got hurt from that whole thing with PopStar, you know."

"What are you talking about?"

"Narc! I was seeing you for three years and you know that I love you. And then one day you told me in a text message that you were dating PopStar and had to disappear for a while."

"Well, I couldn't very well go on seeing both of you at the same time."

"I know, but there could have been some discussion... some warning! And then, while I was in bed with you a few months after that, you told me you were getting married. I'm just saying, Narc... it hurt. I won't go through it again. I just won't go through it."

"At some point, we'll both have to be dating someone else," he answered.

"I know. But as soon as it's on the horizon, I want out. I'm just asking you-- out of friendship, out of respect for me, if you are interested in someone else or start to date someone else, please, please, please tell me so that I can protect myself emotionally. It's one thing if we're both in between people and fucking around. It's another if you're seeing someone. I don't want to be in that."

"That's fair," he said. "But, Hyde-- I'm not dating LA-Girl. You know everything about me! I probably tell you too much already. Seriously, why would I date her? She fucked James and she has herpes."

"I don't know... I just had to say what I had to say."

"Well, okay."

There was a considerable pause.

"So... do you want to come down?" he asked.

"I don't think I can tonight. I'm meeting Brick pretty early tomorrow and I need sleep. I've been exhausted from all this... waiting to talk to you, you know..."

"I would have called sooner, but I was passed out when you left that message. I was out with James before that. It's when I found out about him and ModelChick."

"Yeah, ok. Let's just check in tomorrow or whatever."

And that was that.

So, I went to bed that night with a measure of peace.

The next morning, my phone rang at 8:30.

"Hyde!!! I'm almost to your house!!"

It was Brick. I hadn't seen him since July. Thursday was his birthday and he was in town visiting his boyfriend, friends and family. It was awesome to see him again. He was the exact same Brick-- a whirlwind. He was shocked at how much weight I've lost, so that was kind of fun. We hung out at my place for a little while and then walked up to the Morning Star Diner (one of our former favorite haunts) and got breakfast. After breakfast, Brick needed to go find LA Dodger hats because he forgot to bring them from LA for his nephews and niece. So, we walked over to a place on 5th Avenue where he picked up the hats and had the kids' initials embroidered. At around 11:30, we said goodbye and I headed off to school.

Hammer and some other students had organized a writing workshop in which several well-published professors from our department would give writing tips and suggestions to students. It was a great event and it was good to feel some department-community for once. The highlight of the afternoon, though, was ProfFascism. We had him in our first year and he used to be super straight-laced. He's a good looking guy in his late 30's and used to be clean shaven and wear a suit and tie and a wedding ring every day. On Friday he showed up kind of rumpled, with the "sexy stubble" and a mega tattoo snaking down his entire forearm onto his hand. Oh-- and there was no wedding ring. It was a total transformation. I would definitely be crushing on him if we had him for class now.

After the workshop, I had to leave right away and head downtown to meet my friend IronChef. IronChef is a few years older than I am. She had been my boss at my first job out of college-- at a major music management company. The last time I saw her, a year and a half ago, she was leaving for Taiwan to work for the Taipei cultural ministry. Now, she was back, having quit that job. We met in SoHo at a little cafe and caught up on both of our lives. She's hoping to stay in NY permanently, but of course has to get the visa stuff straightened out. She already has one job offer from another very prestigious music management company. I'm sure she'll figure it all out!

When I left the cafe, it was raining and I was carrying a stack of library books. I tried my best to shield them with my coat. Cabs were scarce, as I was not far from the Holland Tunnel. I finally managed to find one, although I walked as far as Church Street and was semi-drenched.

I settled in back at home, showered and ate something and before long, Narc sent me a text. I asked him if he had "broken up" with James. He said he had tried, but James brought another friend to lunch, so it had to wait. Then he invited me down.

It was a nice night. Things seemed back to "normal," although I suppose there is really no such thing as "normal" when it comes to me and Narc. We watched some Lost, hung out for a bit and eventually went to bed.

On Saturday morning, I had to leave his place around noon in order to meet the rest of my family for my cousin's birthday lunch. Jol, the youngest of my cousins is a student at NYU and just turned 21. We met at Pete's Tavern on Irving Place. My mom had an old friend that lives nearby (the friend with whom she met my dad, actually), and so she gave her friend a call. She came down to the restaurant to say hi, and that was kind of interesting. The lunch was nice and it's always good to see my sisters and the boys. Unfortunately, I had to cut it short because I had signed up for an AA bowling trip taking place across town.

So, I raced across town to Port Authority (where I had horrible memories of coming down off coke the morning I went to go see Hammer in DC) and went up to the bowling alley. There were so many of us there. It was awesome! And everyone was having so much fun. I joined a game and was the high scorer. (That's not saying much, though, with a score of 111).

After bowling, Pixie and I caught up for a bit, as she shared a cab with me back to the East Side. She was headed to our group's Saturday night meeting, but I couldn't go, as I had plans with NDN.

NDN is working a new job now, for which he has been given a company car. He wanted to go off and find some kind of "adventure" that would make use of the car. He decided to take me to Valentino's-- a little Italian restaurant up in Yonkers that he used to frequent with his family as a kid. When I knocked on his door at around 7:30, he was a sight to behold. He was dressed entirely like a guido, and I have to say-- it rather suited him. He is such a weirdo, sometimes, that I have to laugh. Even though I was not in "costume," we hit the road and it wasn't long before we were dining on some delicious zuppa di pesce. It was definitely well worth the trip for the laughs alone. NDN thinks the place has ties to the mob and the bouncer at the door seemed to fit his theory.

Anyway, we were home by around 10:30 PM and I was exhausted!! Even so, I could hardly sleep that night. I just felt so wound up. I think it was 4:00 AM (not helped by the fact that we turned the clocks) by the time I got some rest.

The next day, when I opened my eyes, it was 1:51 PM. Shit!! I was late to meet Brick and his friends for brunch!! Brick had scheduled a 2:00 PM brunch at Norma's (in the Parker Meridian hotel). I sent him a text, got dressed as fast as I could and hopped in a cab. It was nice to meet his other people-- people I've heard so much about, especially his boyfriend. One of his other friends from college is also in the program, so I took her number. Afterwards, I gave Brick a sad hug goodbye and was on my way.

I stopped off in Sabon for a little more retail therapy before getting home. Narc and I had been texting throughout the afternoon and at around 8:00 PM, he invited me to come down and meet him at Blaue Gans. I wasn't really prepared for the night that I was given once I got there.

Narc had been meeting with the DP for his movie (if it ever gets made!!). When I arrived, he was outside on the street smoking. I waited for him to finish and then we took our seats at the bar. I asked him if he had done his "breakup" yet with either James or ModelChick.

"James, not yet, but ModelChick-- yeah, today on the phone."

We talked about that for a long time. He was really upset with them both and kept going on about the poor quality of people in his life.

"The worst part is, that I could have seen this coming!" he said.

"No, that's the best part," I told him. "That part is in your control. This doesn't have to happen again."

He talked for a while more about how he wants to rid his life of all of the "duplicitous" people in it.

"You really see who your friends are in a time of crisis," he said. "When I was in the hospital last year, James didn't come once to see me."

"But you do have real friends," I said. "CouchSleeper was there all the time."

And so was I! I wanted to add, but didn't.

I didn't have to add it. Narc thought it too. He put his arm around me. He ordered me something to eat. He was being so affectionate towards me that night.

Back at his place, things got stranger. Perhaps, though, it was all just a mirage. Who knows.

"We watch too much TV together," he said. "And I don't want that to be what we're about."

"I agree."

"So, let's do something else."

"Ok. I'm game. What do you want to do?"

Narc suggested listening to the new NIN album (just released on their website) and watching Brian Eno's "77 Million Paintings."

"Come here," he said, pulling me in close on his chest. He kissed me.

"I love you," he said.

"What?"

"I love you so much. I don't tell you that enough, Hyde. But, I love you and I always have."

I didn't really know what to say.

"I love you too," I said. But the words sounded strange coming out of my mouth.

"You've always been there for me... no matter what," he said, before kissing me again.

I can't tell you for how long I've been starving to hear those words. Here they were, and I had no fucking clue where to put them!

The night went on like that. We made out for a few hours. It was so intense. I don't want to record it all here. I'd rather it be ephemeral and magical-- like one of those 77 million paintings that will never reappear.

We listened to a piece that he had composed in college. I think he was a little embarrassed I would criticize it. But everything was so beautiful and he made himself so vulnerable.

He wasn't drunk at all when we got to his place, but he poured himself a few more at his apartment. And he was getting tipsy.

"If you're going to be my girl, Hyde," he said, "if I'm going to love, love you... you have to be more of a gamer chick."

"You don't love, love me?"

"I do love, love you. But if I'm going to love, love, LOVE you..."

"Ok... So what's a gamer chick?"

("Your girl?" What does that mean?!?!)

"A gamer!" he said. "You've got to beat some games."

"Narc, I really suck at those games. I don't even know how to use the controllers. But I can try."

"That's all I ask!" he exclaimed. "I only ask that you try! I'd try to play piano for you, you know."

That was the weirdest analogy ever, but ok....

"Yeah, but I wouldn't expect you to be able to sit down and play Beethoven in one night," I smiled.

"Just willingness."

"I'm definitely willing," I answered.

So, he put on Heavenly Sword. It was a gorgeous game, and I played for a while, but it was almost 3:00 AM and I was super tired.

"Can't we go to bed soon?" I asked.

"Not until you pass this part! I know you can do it!"

I had to sit there trying to master some canon-shooting scene while he cheered me on. I was desperately happy when I got it on the fourth try, but only because I wanted to go to bed and I felt like I was losing control of the situation.

I was happy back in bed with him though. He pulled me close in the dark.

"I like sleeping next to you, Hyde."

"I like sleeping here too. I always sleep well here."

"I don't want you to ever, ever go to sleep here again not knowing how much I love you," he said. "I always love you. Always!!"

"Ok, Narc."

"And you can sleep here every night if you want."

"Thank you."

"I will never leave you," he said.

I tried to close my ears to it, so that my head wouldn't explode. I can't even begin to explain how many emotions and thoughts were racing across my brain all at once.

Just let yourself be happy right now, Hyde. Just let it go and enjoy this moment and go to sleep.

The next morning when I went to brush my teeth, I found my toothbrush in the cabinet next to his-- this after he had specifically told me (a few months ago) that it had to be stored under the sink so that it didn't have any "meaning." Strange.

He was equally loving in the morning, even free of all the alcohol. And it was perfect being intimate with him. When I left, he kissed me and told me that he would see me later and to call when I got through with my obligations. (Huh? What the fuck is going on??)

All of that said and done, I couldn't stick around all day. I was supposed to meet Hammer to do some work, but had to cancel and get to school to meet a Professor. After that, I grabbed coffee with B and then headed up to Columbia to hear Catherine Hall, a British historian, give a lecture.

The talk was very interesting-- she was applying the methodology of a social historian to the subject matter of intellectual historians. Perhaps I will blog more about that later.

When I got out, I texted Narc.

At BG with Smith. Come by? he replied.

So... he was inviting me to meet him while he was out with a friend other than James??? Again-- what the fuck is going on? I told him I had to stop home first, but eventually got down there at around 9:45 PM.

Smith said that he had met me before and that he knew who I was. I smiled and said "nice to see you again," but I don't think I've met him. I wouldn't forget something like that-- you know me and my obsessive chronicling and obsessvie memory! Narc put his hand on my leg, as if we were a couple. They were talking about getting shares out in the Hamptons this summer.

Back at his place a little while later, I ate an orange and polished my nails. He smoked a few cigarettes. We watched The Prestige. He performed a really awesome card trick (and I owed him a kiss at the end). It all felt almost real. Then we went to sleep at around 1:00 AM and I left this morning to come teach. He has already texted me to "call later." I don't know how to process all this. He's acting like I'm his girlfriend.

Anyway, I've been talking to Cherubino at it and that has all been giving me a lot of anxiety and some resentment. I want to write more about that, but I have to go teach in another ten minutes and don't have time. So, I'll leave it at that for now.

Who knows...

love,
h

The Storm has Passed

2008-03-08T18:08:00.001-05:00

I'm feeling much, much better. Narc and I talked on Thursday night and I saw him last night. I have a lot to write out here, but not much time. It has been an insanely busy weekend so far...

Thanks for everyone's support. It means a lot.

I'll be back with more...

love,
h

Getting what I asked for...

2008-03-06T14:14:00.002-05:00

So, I made it through the night and today is another day. Um... well, I only "made it through" depending on how you interpret that statement. I did leave him a message. I told him that I wanted to talk to him to explain what I had said earlier that morning.

I was talking to VJ about all of this on the phone last night and she said that she always feels better in these situations when the ball is in her court-- when she hasn't been the last one to make contact. That makes sense, but for some reason, I feel better when I'm waiting for him. If he's waiting for me, there's too much pressure on me to do something; my action or inaction has too much impact. It scares me.

I felt a little relief after I left the message. Of course, he didn't call me back. He probably won't for a while. But then again, isn't that what I asked for?

Here is the rock:
I DON'T WANT SPACE

Here is the hard place:
I CAN'T COPE WITH HIM PURSUING SOMEONE ELSE.

And here I am in between the two, with nowhere to go.

I am obsessing today. I am distracted and my heart is racing. I can't eat much, but I kind of like the feeling of being emptied.

It's only day two... Day TWO! I keep telling myself. Think about day 2 when you stopped drinking. Life is NOTHING like Day 2 now! It has to get better. It has to get better.

But will it? Will I allow it to? Do I want it to? I want to stop hurting, but I don't want to lose him.

Last year at this time was the exact moment when he told me that PopStar was back. Well, he didn't really tell me upfront. Instead, he just stopped talking to me. I was confused and devastated. And so, I wrote him a letter:

I'm feeling really bad. I don't understand why you're not talking to me. Is this it? Are you never going to talk to me again? If so, I'll try to forget about our friendship. But could you please at least explain? I'm confused and I'm feeling rejected and frustrated and hurt. I've tried to be a good friend to you-- the best that I know how, anyway. I'm sorry if I did anything to hurt you.

Thanks.
Hyde

His reply after days of torment and silence:

Always fretting, you are!! Worry not my dear, just been extraordinarily busy as of late--haven't been keeping with quite a few people as a result (yourself included). Also, PopStar just back in from Moscow, so figuring out all of that etc. Pushing on with a few projects, will write or give a call soon.

--Narc

And then I just wanted to die. I was in so much pain. I wanted to slice myself to shreds. It's all there in the archives... all over last March!

I texted this to my sponsor almost exactly a year ago:

I'm dying. I want to text him so badly. Going to take a shower to keep myself away from the phone. I feel like I'm white knuckling it with Narc. It's maddening!!

How is it that I'm in the exact same space today.

How do I let myself do this over and over and over? How do I numb out the past and get amnesia about all of it? Just when I'm proud of myself for changing so much in my life, I'm reminded of my tendencies to live the same day, the same moment, the same emotion over and over and over and over. What is that about???

I guess reading the archives is helping a little. It's helping me to realize how long I've been suffering over all this. It's helping me remember that this does not make me feel good.

(But I don't care, says the little voice in my head. I don't care if I feel bad. I just want to be with him.)

I don't know...

In any case, I did my best to function yesterday. I went to my voice lesson, but my body was entirely deflated. I could only drag enough breath from my gut to power my voice through a few measures. I was pushing and my throat was closed. My shoulders wouldn't hold up. My teacher cut the lesson short at 45 minutes.

"You're just in no shape to sing today!" she remarked.

So, I went to Old Navy and bought a few things. It helped a little. Then I watched "Lost" in bed. I wonder if he's watching too...

(It's only been a day since you've seen him, Hyde! Stop this ridiculous romanticizing of your "separation"!)

This morning I prayed on the phone with Pixie. Then I dragged myself up and out to teach. We are doing Italian and German Unification, but I didn't really enjoy it. I just wanted to get through.

Brick is in town this weekend, though, and I'm going to get to see him tomorrow morning! I haven't seen him since July. Oh-- and it's his birthday today. He's got around 50 days sober again (I think). I just hope and pray that he gets it and finds happiness.

In other news, I'm upset with B. I'm feeling a little abandoned by old friends, but don't want to get into all of that here. It's just painful and seems to underscore all of these feelings I'm having about Narc.

But really-- how did I let this post get so utterly depressing? Didn't I empower myself when I said I needed space? Wasn't I in fact asking for what I need? Why is it so hard to remember that? Why does it hurt so much when it's only what I asked for?

I can't wait for today to be over. I want to go home. I need to get some sleep if I'm going to get through the insanely busy weekend ahead. Not only am I meeting up with Brick tomorrow, but I am going to a writing seminar at school and then I'm meeting another old friend--IronChef. She's back in town after 18 months in Taiwan.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I spewed out all of what I had to spew at the computer screen. I'm going to go try to do something productive now, before teaching my next class.

love,
h

I wish...

2008-03-05T21:45:00.001-05:00

I am so anxious. So, so, so, so anxious.

I wish I could take it back. I'd take it all back.

Alienation

2008-03-05T09:25:00.005-05:00

I found out that Narc saw LA-Girl again on Monday night before he invited me down. I feel sick to my stomach about the whole thing.

Narc is sick to his stomach too, but for different reasons-- he thinks he has some kind of stomach virus.

Last night after AA I went down to see him, with everything he asked for in tow-- Pepto Bismol, vanilla ice cream, gatorade and chicken soup. But my stomach was gnawing at me for its own reasons. Gnawing and gnashing. Gnashing and tight.

(But all those souls who weary were and naked/ Their color changed and gnashed their teeth together.)

We watched the boys on American Idol and then Narc told me a sad story about some high school crush. We realized that we both had to wear palatal expanders as kids. And then we watched the first part of Tron. It was a strange movie.

I ignored my gnashing and actually had a nice time. Ahhh! Denial! My sweet, old friend.

I didn't sleep well last night though. This morning, I opened my eyes at 7:00 AM, fully awake. I sat up in bed, alert and aware that I had to do something.

What to do?

I didn't know, so I took a shower. I dried my hair; I put on my makeup; I sat on his couch in my underwear staring out the window; I pulled on my jeans and stared out the window some more. Then I decided to write him a note.

Narc,

Looks like I haven't been sleeping very well at your place the past few nights. I'm unsettled; it doesn't feel good; and I know why.

As long as you are dating/pursuing LA-Girl (or anyone else in particular), I need to keep my distance.

I don't like saying this in a note. It feels cowardly. But I can't bring myself to say it any other way. And I won't put myself through these feelings again.

Let me know if anything changes.

Until then,
Hyde.

I sat there with the note in my hand for quite some time.

What if he comes out of the bedroom? I thought. If he does, I can't leave this note. Do I even want to leave the note? No, I can't leave this note. I'm not going to leave this note.

I shoved the note into my notebook and stared out the window some more. Somehow, leaving the note didn't seem like the right thing to do. It was cowardly. And besides, what was the point? We'd have to talk about it; and then he would either fumble around saying he's not dating LA-Girl, or he would argue with me that we're in a "non-relationship" and I'm being unreasonable. Either conversation was not one I wanted to have.

So, I decided that I needed to do something else. And I honestly don't know where this came from. I went into his bedroom.

"Um, Narc?"

He rolled over and opened his eyes. "Yeah?"

"Um..." I felt totally and completely disassociated from what was coming out of my mouth. My heart felt like a feather.

"Um, I think I need a little space for a while."

My voice was low and sounded foreign to me. He didn't say anything at first; but I could feel the tension rising off his skin like heat. He rolled over so his back was to me.

"Okay..." he said.

He thinks I'm being irrational. He thinks this is just drama.

"Well, Hyde... I'll call you in a little bit. We'll see what we want to do."

I stood there looking at him, my heart pounding, but somehow still like a feather.

"I know what I want to do," I said plainly. "I want a little distance."

Now I felt frozen. What did I do? What did I do?

"Fine." He said.

He shut his eyes. The conversation was over.

I lingered there for a moment more. I wanted to scream. I wanted him to say "no, don't go, Hyde! What's wrong? Let's fix it!" I wanted to tell him that I didn't mean it, that I didn't know why I said it.

"I hope your stomach feels better," I said.

He didn't answer. I stood there a moment longer.

"Bye."

And then I left. And then I called Pixie. And then I called Cherubino. And now I'm home and I feel numb. It's a good thing I have therapy today.

I don't want space or distance, but I do know that I can't go through another PopStar. I'm done. I guess it's up to him now.

love,
h

I'm Lost

2008-03-04T14:34:00.002-05:00

I presented my prospectus last night, but it left me more confused than ever. I hate having to stand up behind half formed ideas. I hate having to pretend that I have opinionated arguments to make about subjects that I have barely begun to process. The feedback I got was helpful, but I am left with the sinking feeling that I'm really not interested in my subject matter and I don't want to get boxed into something I find uninteresting for my dissertation. In any case, I wrote a detailed email to my advisor this afternoon. Hopefully he'll be able to help me.

Yesterday I did a little shopping-- classic retail therapy!! It was nice to walk around outside in short sleeves, with my new Prada sunglasses and my iPod. Spring! :)

After class I came home, ordered dinner that I didn't eat, showered and got ready for bed. Narc had texted me a few times that day, but still, I was feeling anxious. It's becoming more and more clear that I do this to myself. But I don't know how to stop.

He texted me at around midnight, inviting me over. Despite the fact that I was already in bed, I decided to go. He had been basically doing nothing all day-- went to his Tarot class, was reading a book in some restaurant/bar that evening. We tried to start Season 3 of "Lost," but were having difficulty with the streaming. So, we went to bed around 2:00.

I was exhausted beyond belief. I fell asleep fast and had strange dreams that I was travelling with my husband, some military guy and we had to escape political persecution. I was hauling huge duffel bags on my shoulders, although I didn't know what was in them. I was much older in my dream-- in my mid-late 40's. Anyway, we escaped to Poland and then I opened the bags to find they were body bags and my adult children were in them. One of the children was still alive though. I don't remember a good chunk of what came after that, but the dream ended with my "husband" getting impaled on barbed wire trying to escape from a second location. Who the fuck knows what any of that is about!!

So, this morning, I packed up my stuff and headed off to teach. The classroom was so stifling hot that I could barely stand, let around move around animatedly and lecture. I did most of the lecture sitting down. Maybe not the most dynamic performance, but I really did feel as if I would faint otherwise.

Tonight I've got AA, etc. I'm not feeling well, though, and sort of wish I could just go home and skip the rest of my day. I think my body is weak from continually fighting this UTI. I still have to pick up the third prescription I've had called in for me over this.

I'm tired. I'm confused from doing too much 10th step. I'm anxious and paranoid about my relationships. I don't know what I'm writing about. I don't know when I'm going to start my second two papers. I'm watching too much "Lost."

Um... the end.

love,
h

Here we go again...

2008-03-03T10:08:00.003-05:00

So, I survived the weekend and the prospectus got done. Thank God!

On Saturday after a day of library, I had dinner with my parents. Later on, I went down to see Narc. I didn't go into this all that much, but I had a feeling he was hanging out with that LA-girl on Friday and it turns out that I was right. (Sometimes I am just really intuitive or really psychic when it comes to him.)

It's no big deal at this point, but I can see it coming. She's the same girl as the Exhibitionist/PopStar/Laurie and whoever else there's been in the past. She's the exact same type. It's the exact same dynamic. Apparently he needs to keep putting himself through this. It may not last longer than this one day, or she may stick around for months. And if he gets on a roller coaster with her, then I'll be on one too. I just don't have it in me to go through that again.

And seriously-- Narc hates women because he thinks they're all materialistic, shallow, duplicitous and whatever else. But this is who he decides to crush on-- a girl who was in LA with some guy, yet on that trip fucked James. (Oh-- and she has a gross STD and doesn't think it's a big deal. James has the same one. At least that should ensure that Narc doesn't ever sleep with her.) I don't think she's interested in him at all. She thinks Narc is going to give her a part in a movie (what movie???) and that's why she's flirting with him. She knows it; he knows it; and now I know it.

Whatever... None of this is my problem. That is, unless I make it my problem.

I don't want to deal with this. It's stupid and I'm not going to go through it again. But at the same time, it's not something I know how to talk to him about and so I just didn't say anything. He was being shady about the whole thing to begin with, so on some level he knows that it's not okay or that it would hurt me.

Anyway, the point is that we had a lot of sex and I felt weird about it. I still feel a little weird about it. In some ways, we're closer than ever (as friends, that is). But in other ways, we still can't talk at all.

We finished out Season 2 of Lost that night and the next morning. I actually woke up at 8:00 AM on Saturday and did a lot of work on his laptop while he slept. Then we finished Lost and then I had to finish the prospectus.

I was exhausted beyond belief last night. I thought it might be due to some medication I'm on, but I came home and went to bed early and it turns out that I just really needed some sleep. This weekend has been emotionally draining.

I'm also pissed off at my doctor and at my pharmacy. I had that really horrible UTI last week, have been on Cipro for six days now and am still having symptoms. I've been on Cipro many times in the past and never had a problem with it. But since I was still in pain, I finally went online and looked up the drug. It turns out that if you take it with iron or calcium or whatever other vitamin supplements, it renders the drug 90% ineffective. My doctors and my pharmacy know I'm taking those things. I'm on a prescription iron supplement, for God's sake! So, no wonder it hasn't been working. I've just been downing super-strong antibiotics for no apparent reason. Ugh! I called the doctor this morning and I'm going over to the pharmacy later to yell at them for not giving me some warning.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm meeting BigSis later for lunch and then I've got class tonight. It felt good to make the deadline and get my prospectus in on time. I'm actually sort of enjoying this class...

love,
h

My Eyes.

2008-03-01T16:11:00.004-05:00

I have library eyes-- computer screens still blinking in front of me even when I close my eyes. I've been here for two days. My prospectus is almost (almost!) done.

Yesterday was a rough day for me for a variety of reasons. It started out pretty good-- I helped a newcomer with her Fourth Step and bumped into the Smolderer at a random Starbucks at 14th & 6th. (It was actually kind of creepy, though, how he wanted to hug me.) But later, B and I got into a fight and then I had a text exchange with Narc that left me feeling really anxious.

Last night I went out for burgers with TT and then to the place where IrishBird works. We have a weird relationship. It's just not clear what it is... There is still no conversation chemistry. Do I think that's going to change? No.

So, I was feeling pretty miserable yesterday underneath the forced productivity. I did a really thorough 10th step last night and it showed me things that I do not want to see... fear, denial, expectations, lack of consideration. Fear and denial were the biggest offenders. It's hard to look at that, because it tosses it back to me to do something about it. I can't sit around being resentful of Narc when it is not him, but rather my own fear, denial and inaction that are causing me pain. My sponsor pointed out that the step seemed painful because I'm not willing to change. She's right-- I don't want to change anything, but it's pretty obvious that until I do I'm going to stay in pain. Accepting that fact is pissing me off. The 10th step isn't pretty. It isn't a "maintenance step" either. I hate when people say that. Last night it caused me a lot of pain-- the kind of pain that is a "touchstone to growth."

Growth... hmm... That would mean I'd have to actually pick up the ball.

Anyway, that's it for now... I'm still in the library. I gave up my opera tickets to my parents because I had too much work to do. (That's the second time I had tickets to, but then missed out on "Otello.") They're going to pick me up soon for dinner. And then I guess I'll go to AA later tonight.

I don't know where anything stands anymore. It's hard to look the truth in the eye.

love,
h

Library Anxiety

2008-02-28T10:05:00.007-05:00

This has to be a work week. I need to stop pretending I'm a lady of leisure. The prospectus for my major research paper this semester is due on Monday and I still don't even really have a topic worked out. I just contacted a professor about one of my few remaining outstanding incompletes and what I thought was supposed to be a 20 page paper for him is actually supposed to be a 30-40 page paper. Oh-- and there's one more paper this semester that I owe ProfPP and I haven't started that one yet either.

I've been doing a hell of a lot of reading and a hell of a lot of thinking, but it's really hard for me to work this way. I need time and space in my brain to let an idea drift around for a while, take shape and bring itself to fruition. I need time for my thoughts to ripen. It's how I work... I think for a really, really long time, and then when I finally sit down to write, the paper is almost entirely there already. That's really hard to do, though, when there are three distinct areas of research battling for my attention and all of them need to develop into coherent arguments in the next two weeks or so! How else will I have time to do all of the writing? I only have three months until the end of the semester.

Hmm... I'm stressed. I need to make some commitments to the library.

I bought a book that my therapist recommended to me. It's called Getting Organized. (There's a quiz in the front of the book that Narc told me to take while "sucking his dick." He read the questions and I murmured answers. Thanks to my apparent ability to multi-task, I did manage to learn that yes-- I need a LOT of organizational help!!) Anyway, I'm trying to take the suggestions outlined in the book. Maybe it will help me buckle down in terms of getting to the library.

On Tuesday night after AA I went over to Narc's. We watched some "Lost," ordered in cheap Mexican food, fucked around and went to sleep. On Wednesday when I should have been in the library, I instead stayed at Narc's, ate some sushi, watched some more "Lost" and fucked around some more. I didn't feel good about wasting the day. I am too anxiously aware right now of the work that needs to get done.

I left his place at around 4:30 for my voice lesson. It was a good lesson. I especially love singing the Aida aria. Later that evening I had dinner with Mattie, a friend from AA, and then NDN and I hung out at my place for a little while before bed.

Narc went ahead two episodes of "Lost" without me (even though I asked him not to), but I managed to convince him to stop there. I tried to catch up last night, and ended up not being able to fall asleep until around 3:30 AM.

See? All play and no work makes Hyde a guilty and anxious ball of nerves who can't sleep...

Yuck. I'm feeling kind of stressed. I'm supposed to go to the opera with my mom on Saturday-- we have tickets for Otello. But if I have to hand in a prospectus on my research paper on Monday, I may not be able to go. I may just have to chain myself to a desk in the library.

Anyway, I've got to get started on my day now. Later...

love,
h

Dissatisfied with the Prize

2008-02-26T13:52:00.007-05:00

Well, things with Narc have settled into a somewhat (normal?) state of thrill, by which I'm strangely unmoved. I'm sad, in a "not sad" sort of way. It's not so thrilling after all. I was kind of depressed this morning.

Anyway, I don't even know where to pick up, where I left off... I've lost my blogging rhythm.

On Thursday night, I was up late. From my bed, I could see fat snowflakes falling in the darkness. They looked like ashes-- like something horrible and silent was burning, sending parts of itself to float up and against my window.

I spent a lot of time deep in conversation with Pixie this weekend. We met for coffee before AA on Friday. While I waited for her to arrive, I was reading a book by Carl Schorske. I think he is a soul mate of sorts.

Narc texted me late on Friday night-- 2:38 AM to be exact. I agreed to meet him at Grace. When I got there, he was talking to some guy who had been an actor on One Life to Live, playing some bit role. I didn't recognize him.

Narc was drunk. He had been to the theater with a lawyer friend of his-- "the Shark." He left the bartender a $50 tip. I had to hold his hand on the way home.

Back at his place, I asked if he would print one of his beautiful photos for me so that I could hang it on my living room wall. He poured himself a giant gin-martini. He didn't want to kiss me with the gin on his breath. It was sweet that he was concerned for my sobriety. In any case, he insisted that his drink was incomplete without a cucumber garnish. The only cucumber he had was rotting. It was 5:00 AM. Even so, he insisted we call the deli. We ordered a cucumber, some cool ranch Doritos and a club sandwich. Then we commenced smoking cigarettes. He kissed me. He fucked me really hard and very creatively in every way imaginable. (At least in every way I could imagine). I'll leave it at that.

He wanted to play "Flow," but I convinced him at around 6:00 AM that I had to get to bed before the sun came up.

The next morning, it was as if it was still the previous night. He was absolutely crazy with me. I did something kind of stupid, though-- I let him make a tape. So... it's official. I now have a "sex tape" out there. I think I need to get it back sooner rather than later. We were just "on," though-- like in the old days. He told me he loves me over and over and over during sex. I asked him to say it again. Is that just something he wanted to say? Something I wanted to hear? Who the fuck knows...

I had to leave at around 6:00 PM to go hear Meema speak at my home group's Saturday night meeting. I sat with Cherubino. Meema looked radiant and she was so eloquent. I was so proud of her. I met Pixie's new sponsee and talked to Leaf for a little while. I was happy... truly happy. I felt balanced (for once!) and close to God.

When I left there I bought roses-- brilliant, blooming yellow roses and pink ones too. I wanted my arms to be filled with roses. I wanted the scent of roses to obliterate me so that I could waft up into the sky along with it. I got in a cab and went back to Narc's.

Narc and I cut the flowers and put them in vases all over the apartment. I was happy. Then, we headed out to Centrico, a gourmet Mexican place near his apartment. The Exhibitionist kept texting him.

"I'll shut my phone off," he said.

We talked and talked and talked-- it was a good and true conversation. We talked about recovery and God and life. I told him things I haven't told him before. Strangely, we talked about the day he stood me up for La Bohème. I tried to explain that looking back on that post, I am finally able to see how irrational I was at the time. He kept interrupting me and apologizing.

"I know you thought I stood you up on purpose," he said, "but I didn't. I really didn't."

After dinner, we went over to Blaue Gans for dessert and coffee. Narc had some wine and told me about some short stories he had written when he was a teenager. I asked if I could read them.

Back at his apartment, we started Season 2 of Lost, cuddled and went to sleep.

On Sunday morning I woke up in some serious pain. When I went to pee, it was so much worse. I had managed to give myself an overnight bladder infection-- blood in the urine and all. Narc said he knew of a walk-in clinic where I could get an antibiotic. Fatigued and feverish, I left as soon as I could.

Thank God there was a doctor to be had! He prescribed me some Cipro, and I collapsed into bed. Cherubino came over at around 2:00 PM to work on my 10th step. I'm nearing the finish line with my step work!! We watched half of a really bad movie called Whiskers. I invited her to stay over and watch the Oscars, but later backed out because I was feeling so out of it. The fever and fatigue seemed to be getting worse.

I ended up watching the awards alone and in bed, but it was cozy and kind of nice. Narc texted me at the end-- he had a mini Oscar-party (guess I'm still not invited to any of his parties!) and the Shark was crashed on his couch.

Yesterday I woke up in even more pain, although the fatigue was pretty much gone. With more blood in my urine, I decided to go see my regular doctor. She told me that I'm probably dehydrated and that I should take cranberry, take the Cipro and drink, drink, drink! I didn't tell her that I knew why I had the infection... Um... yeah...

Later on, I met Bezoukhoff for coffee near school. I told him that I want to email Carl Schorske. Then I went to class. We had a guest speaker and it was actually really useful in terms of research advice.

Back home, I settled in to finish off Season 2 of The Sopranos, talked to Pixie on the phone for a while and then got a call from Narc. It was around midnight and he was drunk. He said he was on the Upper East Side and that he wanted to come over. I was tired and not particularly in the mood to deal with a drunk (a good sign, given that I used to only LOVE dealing with drunks!). I told him he could come over anyway.

He watched the end of the Sopranos episode with me, and then insisted that we smoke cigarettes together at my kitchen bar/counter. He asked if I was attracted to Tony Soprano.

"Of course," I said.

"But he's an asshole!" Narc exclaimed. "You women are all the same!!"

I wanted to show him the DVD from my recital. He was definitely impressed. But he wanted to feel me up while we were watching and then he wanted to kiss me. The kisses were deep. It made me happy that seeing me sing made him want to be intimate.

Afterwards, it all spun into more sex-- more crazy sex. I don't know what's with us lately. It's as if we've been bitten by some sort of bug. We fucked and fucked and fucked and then went to bed at around 3:00.

This morning he left the house with me at around 11:00 AM. The elevators in my building were running dreadfully slow. We bumped into my neighbor in the hall and I introduced him to Narc (even though they had met a few years ago at NDN's sushi dinner). As we were leaving the building, the doorman told me that someone had left me a gift-- an enormous, plush teddy bear. It was from NDN! Yay!

Narc and I talked about his Oscar party. He had told me that it was only a group of guys, but later confessed that the girl James had fucked in LA had been there. (She's an actress living in the East Village). I wondered why he lied to me in the first place. It made me uncomfortable.

Now I'm in my office, between teaching classes. Narc just sent me a text telling me to get some "Plan B." It's not really necessary, but he is nervous, so I agreed. Then he told me to call him and masturbate with him on the phone. I'm supposed to go down and see him after AA tonight.

I'm happy, I guess. I love him... I asked him last night if he loves me and he said that he does, over and over. But his eyes were dull last night-- dull and drunk, and I don't want to have sex with a drunk man anymore. I want him to be present. I want us to be friends. I want to get asked to his parties.

I feel like in the past, this is all I could hope for or ask for-- his presence, his declarations of love, the insanely passionate sex... But, it's not enough. I'm dissatisfied with the prize. I want more.

I want more.

Now, I'm confused. Über-confused! I think that's why I'm feeling depressed.

love,
h

Ambivalence

2008-02-21T23:46:00.001-05:00

People keep asking me how I am and the only thing I can tell them is "ambivalent."

There are some things in my life that are going so beautifully right now-- school, for one. It's the first time in a long, long time that I've really enjoyed researching and writing, that I've felt passionate about being a student.

But other things feel like they've all gone pear-shaped. For one thing, I've been obsessing about food and the fact that I'm not exercising. It's an old anxious feeling that I don't like. It feels like an old scar torn open-- a deep wound that I thought had healed. Another thing-- it's really bothering me that my house is a mess. I feel like an undeserving person. I don't know if I'm not keeping it clean because I feel undeserving, or if I feel undeserving because I'm not keeping it clean.

I guess I'm feeling ambivalent about the blog too. I need to change something-- even if I don't stop writing, I need to change something. It's purpose? It's rhythm? Maybe just the template? Who knows...

Oh, and I have news...

Narc got back from LA on Tuesday night and I ended up going to see him after spending half an hour with him on the phone.

Here's the big announcement: He decided not to move to LA after all.

Are you surprised?

My first instinct was immediate relief. I was flooded with sweet relief... gratitude. But while we were hanging out at his place, other feelings came up-- feelings I haven't had to deal with in at least a month or so.

So, what's our status then? I wanted to ask. What am I to you? How do you feel about me? I don't want to be with you anymore if you are going to be sexual with anyone else.

But, we've had that conversation a thousand times. I'm sure it's all recorded somewhere in these blog archives. They've each and every one of them been forgotten.

"Of course I love you, but we're not in a relationship," Narc says. "We aren't cut out for a relationship. We're no good for each other."

"I know that, Narc, and I know you think that, but this hurts. I have feelings for you... I've had them all along," I say.

"Well, I don't know what you want from me, Hyde. Maybe we should just stop having sex then," Narc replies.

"Maybe we should!" I exclaim in tears.

Then we don't talk for several days. I cry a lot and write posts about how I can't believe it's finally over. Then, before the week is out, he calls me drunk.

"I just miss you," he says. "I want you to come here and fuck me."

"But, what about our talk?" I ask, feebly. "What about everything we said?"

"Just come here, Hyde," he insists.

I obey. I fuck him. We act in the morning like nothing unusual happened. We watch dumb TV or go for brunch. It's as if the conversation never happened.

Things go on as usual, but a small piece of me is dead. It's the negation of self. I am erased.

I don't know if I can go through it again. What's the point?

So, I won't initiate that conversation. But I swear, it's now on the tip of my tongue.

Narc says that he may still go to LA in six months or a year. Why did he decide not to move now? They couldn't find the right place; two of the five of them weren't ready to move; one of them can't pitch in an equal amount of rent; and then there's James.

Apparently, the first night they arrived, James got wasted, asked a cab driver where he could get some blow, went to a strip club with the cab driver, did the coke and blew at least a thousand dollars on lap dances. After that, he went back to the hotel with the cabbie, hired a prostitute and the two of them gang-banged her. (Does two consitute a "gang-bang?" Maybe I should have said they "double teamed" her.)

Narc drinks, but he never acts like that. He's a bar stool drinker who occasionally delivers a drunken manifesto before stumbling home. James is another story altogether. I think Narc was afraid to move in with James in LA and wager his future on that partnership. He must have had a moment of clarity. He also doesn't want to be in a city in which he has to drive everywhere.

Am I happy he's not going? I don't know how to feel. More fucking ambivalence.

We brunched on Wednesday, but I haven't heard from him today.

AA was good today, though. I got there early and talked to Cherubino for a while. Afterwards I had dinner with my friend Lana and then spent at least an hour talking to Pixie on the phone. She needed help working through some things and the conversation really helped me too.

Yesterday was a good day with friends too. After therapy I met Anxious at Bloomingdales (she's back in town for a visit) and then we spent a long time playing at the MAC counter. I told the makeup artist there that I wanted to look "feverish."

"As if my heart is burning with ardor," I said. "I want something that will go with flashing eyes a la Dostoevsky."

I think he thought I was nuts.

I got the DVD of my recital at my voice lesson that afternoon and watched it later at my place, hanging out with Bezoukhoff. For the most part, I was pleased with it. We at dinner at La Bonne Soupe. We talked about the Thirty Years War and then I told Bezoukhoff that I've always had a strange sympathy for Charles V. We found a very florid description of the death of the emperor in a 19th century book called The Romance of Spanish History. We also listened to Purcell's funerary music written for Queen Mary II of England.

So... good things and bad things. I feel like I'm under a lot of psychic strain right now.

But, despite all of the confusion, I am feeling close to God. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. (Maybe I'm not supposed to DO anything? Maybe this isn't all up to me right now?)

Anyway, that's all I've got for tonight. I want to eat a pretzel rod and go to bed.

love,
h

The Long Haul

2008-02-19T15:15:00.004-05:00

I've been giving some serious thought to calling it quits in terms of blogging. A lot has been going on, and I just don't feel like writing at all these days... I've still got a week's worth of stuff to catch up on-- more than a week at this point-- and I don't really feel like doing it.

Then again, I feel guilty not chronicling (is that weird?), so here it is:

Last Sunday night I got back from Florida. Narc had said to call him when I got in, so I did-- after I got home. It must have been around 12:30 AM. He was out at EO with James. He picked up the phone when I called. I showered and all that before heading out to meet him. He was still at the bar, so I met him there, arriving at around 2:00 AM.

He and James were both pretty drunk when I arrived. James was dancing around the place by himself and Narc held my hand under the table. He was talking about some video game business. James greeted me with a prolonged hug, but seemed a little annoyed that I was there.

"He chose you over me," he said.

I guess he had been trying to convince Narc to come back to his place to play "Rock Band."

"Yeah, well he always chooses you over me!" I laughed.

"That's not true!" Narc protested. He suddenly had a very solemn look on his face. "That's not true."

When we left the bar at around 3:30, James decided to stay. Narc and I crawled into a cab.

"I have something special to show you," he said.

"What?"

He wouldn't say.

Back at his place, he told me that he wanted me to go up to the roof with him. I thought it was really sweet. I love being up on his roof, and he never lets us go there (as it's not an open roof deck). It was absolutely freezing out, though, and he was swaying with the wind, so much so that I was afraid he would fall. He wanted to look at the lights. I think he was getting nostalgic about leaving NY. I kissed him, but it was too cold to stay up there for long. Besides, he was so drunk, I was really afraid that he'd fall over the edge or something.

So, we headed back downstairs. The sex was insane... absolutely insane. We were up until around 6:00 AM. He told me that he loves me, but then again, he was drunk.

The next day I had a 1:00 PM appointment for therapy. We woke up around 12:30 PM, so I jumped out of bed in a slight panic. Narc insisted (demanded) that I get back into bed to have sex with him.

"But, I have to go!"

"No, you don't. You have to get back in bed."

I was totally conflicted. But then again, it wasn't that much of a conflict. I already knew what I was going to do. I'm slightly embarrassed by my choice, but yes-- I did skip therapy. I was swimming in guilt for the rest of the day!

So, Narc and I hung out for the entire afternoon. I tried to read some articles for class and talked to Contessa on the phone, as that was the afternoon I heard the terrible news about her dad. I had to leave for a meeting with my advisor at around 5:00. Narc told me to come back later.

The meeting with ProfBrit went really well. I was nervous about it, as my thoughts were completely scattered upon arrival, but after our meeting, I had a few directions to go exploring in terms of a paper topic. He is a really helpful and active advisor-- exactly what I need. From there, I went to class and then I headed back down to see Narc.

He and James were eating at the Blue Goose, so I met them over there. I ordered lobster ravioli (which I couldn't finish eating b/c I tasted a hint of white wine in it. Ugh!). After dinner, Narc and I headed back to his place, ate dinner and headed to bed.

"Am I really going to move to LA?" he asked.

"I don't know... it's kind of scary, isn't it?"

"My lease is due this weekend."

"I thought it was due Feb 1st!" I said.

"No. The 17th."

"Well, you'd be moving with friends, right?"

"James is the only one 100% committed," he sighed. "And James can be like an untrained puppy."

I laughed. It was the most apt description I had ever heard.

The conversation left me very ambivalent-- its an ambivalance that has been with me ever since. I want him to move desperately (God doing for me what I can't do for myself), but at the same time, I want him to stay desperately. Anxious, sad and elated all rolled into one. It's strange to let myself feel things. Remember when I used to drown it all away?

The next day, I headed home in the afternoon. My AA meeting that night was the first I had been to in nearly a week. I really needed it. Afterwards, I came home, ate some Chinese food and went to bed.

On Wednesday I slept in. I was feeling a little depressed, although I'm not sure why. Narc had sent me some incoherent text at around 6:00 AM. I guess he was out drinking and doing whatever with James...

I went to therapy that afternoon and confessed the reason for my missed appointment on Monday. It felt good to be honest, even though I was embarrassed about it. I'm not used to being completely honest like that. From there I headed straight to my voice lesson. My teacher completely surprised me by announcing that she was hosting a recital on Sunday night and that I would be performing Massenet's "Pleurez, pleurez mes yeux." We worked on the aria for pretty much the entire hour. Then I headed west to meet Leaf, a girl I know from AA. My sponsor was singing in a concert version of The Marriage of Figaro later that night and Leaf and I were going together.

I had pretty bad stomach pains that afternoon-- I think it was from the fact that I fasted all day except for two cans of red bull. Oops... Before getting to Leaf's apartment, I stopped at the Border's Bookstore at the Time Warner Center. I bought a few books about aesthetics and critical theory and saw a funny book about "Lost" and philosophy. I texted Narc to tell him that I had fessed up to my therapist.

Well then that wasn't so bad now was it!! he said, later adding Think you made the right decision...

Yeah, you would think that! ;) I wrote back.

Leaf and I went for a quick bite at the diner before heading over to the concert (although I could barely eat.) Cherubino needed me to buy her an emergency pair of pantyhose. She sang beautifully and I was impressed with most of the performers. She should have had the larger roll of "Cherubino," though-- she was much better than the other mezzo!

I was exhausted when I got back home that night. I caught up on One Life to Live and talked to StarGazer and then Pixie on the phone for a while. It felt better to talk to them. I hadn't realized how disconnected I had become from AA in just a week of absence. I got undressed and climbed into bed at around 1:00 AM. Just as I did so, I got a text from Narc:

Back at my place if you want to come down... he said.

Huh? Don't you have to be up super early? I asked. (He was leaving for LA in the morning-- he and James were going out there to scope out the real estate situation.)

Leaving at 7. Your call.

K. Guess I can roll out then...

As you like hon. Am here as you know...

So... I headed downtown. I was tired, but too happy to care.

I am so glad that I went there that night. When I arrived, he was already in bed with the lights out.

"You're asleep already! Why'd you call me down here? Don't you want to talk?"

"Well, I have to be up early... We can talk in bed."

I asked him what he had done that day. He said he had dinner with his friend M. He told me that she is going to lose her horse because the ranch is being sold.

"I feel so bad for her," he said. "She's had a rough deal. I told her that I'd buy her the horse."

"What? Are you kidding me? You're going to buy her a horse?"

"Her horse," he said.

"Isn't that crazy expensive?" I asked.

"Nah... They said they'd sell it to her for a few thousand dollars. I spend that in a week on food and drink," he laughed.

"That's very sweet of you," I said.

Then we were both silent for a while. I wanted to say "Happy Valentine's Day" so badly, but I didn't dare. We stayed silent. He pulled me in so close that I could barely breathe. I decided to dare.

"Happy Valentine's Day," I said.

He laughed. "Oh yeah-- Happy Valentine's to you too."

Then it was silent again.

"I love you," he said.

I couldn't believe it.

"I love you too."

It was the most amazing moment for me. I was so happy. We had sex (sort of ) and then I just burrowed down and went to sleep.

(My reality is real. It is real. It is real.)

On Thursday morning he got out of bed at 6:00 AM and started packing. I lay there for a while longer. James rang while Narc was in the shower. I think he was surprised to see me answer the door. I was half asleep, but waited until Narc finished getting ready and then walked them both out of the house. You'd think I'd be tired, but Thursday ended up being a tremendously productive day. After I saw the boys off, I went home, watched an episode of "Lost" and updated my syllabus.

After that, I taught two classes, did some work in between (ensconced in Victorian aesthetics!) and then went to AA. After the meeting, Pixie hosted a little Valentine's gathering for the ladies-- about ten of us. It turned out that I had the most sobriety of everyone at the dinner. How the fuck did that happen??

After dinner, I walked over to the bar on the Upper East Side where IrishBird is now working. I've been meaning to visit her for a while. It's been at least a year since I've seen her, I think. She looked great-- she cut her hair and it was bouncy and she was just shining. She said that she's so grateful she got out of her relationship with PumpedUp and that she's now dating a 23-year-old investment banker. (I think IrishBird is 32 or 33).

"Cheers had my head spinning," she said. "That whole world-- it was like a trap to me, with its own warped logic. And PumpedUp was downright emotionally abusive!"

"It was a trap to me too," I laughed.

She introduced me to some "regulars" at her new place, including the guy sitting to my left. I hung out there for a while talking to him. He was definitely flirting with me, but in a nice way. It was flattering and felt good. He asked me a million questions about myself, told me that he's usually there on Thursdays and asked if I would be back. He saw that I wasn't drinking and made it a point to tell me that he doesn't drink "that much." (He also said he spends loads of time at the bar, though). I told him I was sure I'd be back and would see him again. But as nice as that was, I have no interest in A.) picking up guys at a bar/ and B.) seeing anyone other than Narc right now.

Seeing IrishBird made me nostalgic, though-- maybe not such a good thing. In any case, I stopped in at Cheers on my way home. ThursdayGirl and I had a nice chat. BarMan and I got to catch up for a little while too. He told me to come back on a Monday night so that we could catch up properly with a smaller crowd in attendance. PumpedUp came in as I was leaving. He was with a little blonde with a pony-tail. He called me over to introduce me and slung his arm around me. He made the same comment that BarMan had made a few weeks ago-- that they had to order a case fewer of Jack Daniels when I stopped drinking.

"But... she needed to," he laughed.

"Yes, I did," I said.

I felt good when I left Cheers that night. Were the stars in alignment? I don't know. I only know that I loved everything about my life at that very moment-- everything. I loved my family, my home, my city, my friends, my sobriety, my AA group, my studies, my teaching, my Narc. So, I thanked God for all of it as I crossed the street.

On Friday I headed to the library in the morning. I had an appointment with ProfBrit at 3:00 PM and had a lot of work to get done before the meeting. I worked for about 5 hours and then went to meet him. It felt good to be back in school and to be living in the past again in my brain-- not my personal obsessive past, but the wonderful escape of the historical past.

That night I had plans with my friend BahBoy to go to some sort of Weimar-esque cabaret in which his friend was the accompanist. I hadn't seen him in quite some time. We met at a Thai restaurant (which was really good!). He's growing a beard. He told me that he just got a two year contract with the opera company in Bonn and that he's moving to Germany in August. Very exciting! He also had an audition with Sherrill Milnes the next day, for some sort of Master Class. Sherrill Milnes is one of my favorite singers of all time. He's been retired for a while though, but I got to see him sing Falstaff in '96. It's funny because I actually attended that opera with BahBoy. We somehow managed to sneak our way into backstage and met him briefly after the show. I went with B to see him give a Master Class at MSM in April, 1998.

Anyway, BahBoy's friend was performing at Don't Tell Mama's. It was a good show, but I thought the artist was a little smug. I don't know... maybe it's my historian-snobbery, but I don't like when people appropriate the past in a post-modern sort of way without having bothered to immerse themselves in it. He did a few odd numbers-- a dark cabaret version of "I Touch Myself" by the Divynls. He also sang "Missed Me" by the Dresden Dolls which I absolutely loved-- so much so that I went home and downloaded their album.

We didn't stay out too late, as he had to get rest before his audition in the morning. It was fine with me. I was in the mood to go home and continue pressing on through Season One of "Lost."

On Saturday I met B for lunch near school and then we both went up to the English Department lounge and did some work-- he on his dissertation and me on my seminar paper. I miss the days when B and I used to kill whole afternoons together.

I didn't go out on Saturday night. I attended a rehearsal with the accompanist to get ready for the next day's recital. But after that, I was in the mood to stay home and attempt to tidy what is quickly becoming a hell-hole of a mess in my apartment.

On Sunday I slept in and then cleaned up a little bit more in the morning. My parents came into the city and I met them for lunch. We ate at a diner on First Avenue and then they headed off to go see The Band's Visit (Bikur hatizmoret) while I went home to warm up and get changed for the recital that night.

The recital was over on the West Side-- right near where B and I used to live. There were only six of us singing, as a lot of people (including Cherubino!) had come down with terrible colds. I was really nervous, I'm not sure why. I did my best to emote during my performance, although I have a feeling I was still pretty stiff. I think my teacher was pleased with my performance, though, and so that felt good. Some of the other singers commented that I had a huge voice. (Yay. It's good to know, because it's hard for me to hear myself.) Later, Cherubino told me that a friend of hers in the audience asked where I was auditioning and was shocked to hear that I am not out there doing auditions. It felt good to hear that. I need to build up more confidence in identifying myself as a "singer." And who knows-- maybe next year I'll get up the nerve to do some actual auditions.

It was nice that my parents came, even though I had to clip-clop back to their car in my high heels and in the pouring rain. My mom had brought a portrait of me that my dad had bought when I was one or two. She gave it to me that night and I hung it in my hallway.

Later that night, just before 10:00 PM, I got a text from Narc:

You at home alone?

Yeah. Catching up on "Lost," I said. Why? How's your trip?

Sign into AIM, he wrote. I assumed he meant the video-chat.

:) K. Give me a sec...

Well, you can imagine what that was about... Afterwards, I asked him how his trip was. He said that they hadn't found anything close to what they were looking for.

"I guess that's why Entourage is just a TV show," he said.

I asked if he had called his building management about the lease.

"Not yet," he said, "but I'm going to see if I can extend it. Tomorrow we're going to look at property near the beach. Forget Hollywood..."

"I guess you don't have to decide today, right?"

"Actually, Hyde, I kind of do..."

I am starting to wonder if he's actually going to move after all. I guess I'll find out when he gets back whether or not he's going to renew his lease here. I'm scared. My stomach is kind of chewing itself up about all that...

Yesterday was kind of a chill day. I met my friend NiS for lunch in the afternoon. He's a composer living in Paris and was back in NY for a few weeks to give a performance of one of his pieces. We went to college together and met on the Upper West Side for Chinese. It was nice to catch up with him, but we had one of those strange conversations you have with someone you haven't seen in a while-- it was more a report or an update about what's going on, rather than an emotional connection. The lady at the table next to us was eavesdropping on our conversation. She had been rather cranky and rude to the waiter earlier, but said something strange to us as we were getting up to leave.

"Isn't it a miracle that we're all here?" she asked. "I couldn't help but overhear you. Isn't it a miracle that we all even managed to make it into existence?"

It was especially strange, given the piece by Forrest Church that B had just sent me to read a few days earlier. I don't know... it was just an odd NY moment-- we all sit at tables so close to each other in restaurants! You have to just pretend you're in private in this city-- you never really are.

I tried to stop by the school where I teach after that, but my office was locked because the building was closed for President's Day. So... I went home. I talked to GoldenFinch on the phone for a while and then went to get a pedicure.

Later on, I met Hammer at her place. It has been forever since we've hung out! We went over to "Red Mango" for frozen yogurt-- a rival of the "Pinkberry" across the street. I had mochi, cinnamon toast crunch and raspberry toppings on mine. Yum! Then we walked over to IFC to see "4 months-3 weeks- and 2 days" which Hammer assured me was A.O Scott's favorite film of the year. It was a little difficult to watch at points, but overall, it was a phenomenal movie-- it really got at women's emotions in a peculiar way that films rarely do. After the movie, we grabbed a bite at the Gray Dog and then I walked her home, came home myself and quickly fell asleep. Before bed, I sent Narc a text:

Have a safe flight tomorrow. Call when back in.

K, hon! he wrote back.

It's strange that he wrote back-- that he's writing back. It's strange how much of him I've been seeing. It's strange how strangely normal everything is. I don't trust it. I feel like I'm living with this sense of impending doom. When is the rug going to be pulled out from under me?

Anyway, this morning I stopped off at the box office to pick up tickets for Grease. My mom wants to take my stepbrother for his 21st birthday in April. I guess you have to go in person to get the handicapped seat, or something. Then I came here to school where I taught one class and am about to teach another. Later tonight I'm heading to AA, and then hopefully to see Narc, if he does actually call when he gets back.

I hope you are all well...

love,

PS: Blogger's spell check isn't working and I don't have time to re-read this thing right now, so I'll have to spell check it later. Forgive the typos!

Poor Contessa

2008-02-16T16:07:00.002-05:00

I feel so terrible for my friend Contessa. Her dad went hunting with two friends last week and they disappeared. They searched for them for days. His two companions have been found dead-- one from hypothermia and the other's body was in the water. Her dad hasn't yet been recovered.

It's hard to fathom that I ever thought the world should make sense.

-h-

My most beautiful moment

2008-02-15T00:52:00.004-05:00

"Happy Valentine's Day," I said, buried as deeply in his neck as I could be.

"Happy Valentine's to you too," he half laughed.

There was a long pause.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you too."

Sober... both of us sober.
Miracles. I am filled to the brim.

love,
h

Family Fêtes

2008-02-14T09:05:00.008-05:00

I'm feeling like I better crank this post out before I lose all momentum!

So, here it is-- my trip to Florida:

It was nice.

I couldn't get a cab on my way to the airport though, and so I ended up sharing one with some random lady with teenage kids in Tampa. It was the cheapest trip to the airport ever! Pixie and I had a 4:30 PM appointment to pray together on the phone, but I was in a moment of chaos with last minute packing and then couldn't call her from the cab, given the fact that I wasn't alone. I had to put off the prayers until I actually made it to the airport. It was a little awkward, but I did my thing right near the flight check-in counter. Then I made my way to the gate. I was supposed to meet LilSis and JBC, but I got there first and so Narc and I texted back and forth for a little while. I'm telling you-- he is so fucking available lately. The normalcy is unsettling for me. Is this the same relationship I've been writing about for all these years?

At the airport in Ft Lauderdale we met my Aunt N and Uncle B and cousins Jail and Jol. We all piled into a rental van and headed over to the hotel where LilSis, JBC and I were sharing a "suite" with BigSis and Bro-in-Law. The two of them had arrived the night before and were already half asleep when we came bursting into the hotel room.

On Friday we all assembled for breakfast at the bagel place where my grandparents always used to take us when we vacationed down there during winter break. Then it was over to my grandpa's house where my cousins and sisters and brothers-in-law all tried to soak up the sun, while I hid out in the house. I like to protect my pallid complexion! Besides, I got to keep my stepbrother company while he ate his Cheerios. Later on in the afternoon, everyone went out to the pool down the road while my mom and my grandpa took me to a Kinkos to print out some sheet music. My mom had organized an entire "show" for the birthday party that night. When we got back, I took the script my mom wrote over to the pool and tried to get everyone to practice it with me.

That night we drove up to Boca where the party was being held. It was a great party, in that the feelings around the whole event were wonderful. However, we were supposed to have a private room in the restaurant, but we didn't. It was especially embarrassing to have to put on our show about my grandpa's life "through music" in front of random diners. I had to fumble through numerous piano arrangements and poor BigSis had to carry the vocals. The only part about it I liked was when I dedicated a song to him at the end and actually got to sing something that I felt prepared for and comfortable with-- something that I know I sounded good on!

On Saturday we attempted a beach day, but the weather was gray and the sun only peeked out occasionally through the flashes of rain. Eventually, giving up on the beach we all lunched at Ruby Tuesday's (except for the boys who were off playing golf) and then after resting up at the hotel, we went to the Sawgrass Mills Outlet Center. I bought a pair of Prada sunglasses (for more money than I have!) and some J-crew flip flops. I have to say, though-- the sunglasses make me feel like a rock star, so I think they're worth it.

After shopping, my extended family headed back to the hotel while my sisters, the boys and I grabbed a bite at Outback. Of course, being the insomniac that I am, I was up much later than everyone else, accompanied only by CNN and SNL re-runs. Then Narc started texting me. He texted me every day that I was away! He lived in Boca for a few years.

Is it still pink? he asked.

He said to call him when I got back in on Sunday night. I was in love with it-- all of it, really.

Sunday was my day to catch up with VJ! She met us at my grandpa's house at around 11:00. It was a real shock when I answered the door. She's about seven months pregnant and I haven't seen her in at least a year and a half! Her hair was shorter too. She has a beautiful glow-- I don't know if it's from the pregnancy or just from the fact that she seems to be genuinely happy in her life. It was soooo good to talk to her and catch up. It's strange when you see a friend who you've known for so long but haven't seen for a while-- right away, it's just natural and easy and I felt like myself. (We used to live together as roommates in college, and I have to say-- we were quite a pair!) We relocated over to the pool for a while and then back to my grandpa's place for pizza. I was sad when I had to leave for the airport at around 5:00 PM.

We had flight delays trying to get back to NY. Apparently it was snowing back home. Normally I wouldn't have minded, but the plane was originally meant to land at 10:00 PM. With the delays, we wouldn't touch ground until midnight, and I really wanted to see Narc.

Anyway, I guess I'll leave you all with a "to be continued." I have more to say about Narc (what else is new?) and it just doesn't seem like it should go into the same post as my family vacation...

So... that's it for now!

love,
h

PS: Happy Valentine's Day!!

Back from the Dead

2008-02-13T20:42:00.002-05:00

Man, it's been almost a week since I've posted! I don't really have the time right now to say everything that I want to say. I'm kind of exhausted. I just got back from a concert version of The Marriage of Figaro in which Cherubino was singing the roll of "Marcellina." (Does that blow your mind, or what?)

Anyway, the trip to Florida was great-- especially seeing VJ after all this time! I spent the first two days back in NY with Narc. I had a phenomenally productive meeting with my advisor. Oh-- and I found out today that I'm scheduled to sing in a recital on Sunday that I didn't even know about.

I'll try to find some time tomorrow to fill in all of the details. For now, I'm tired, I'm hungry and I just got home, so I've got to go "decompress."

I'm going to try to make the rounds and catch up on all of the blogs I've missed reading.

love,
h

The Sunshine State

2008-02-07T12:50:00.000-05:00

I'm off to Florida today. My grandpa is turning 90 and we're all heading down to celebrate-- my parents, my stepbrother, BigSis, LilSis, Bro-in-Law, JBC, my aunt and uncle and my cousins Jail and Jol. I have plans to meet up with VJ on Sunday (who lives in Miami). I haven't seen her in a year and a half, I think... Crazy.

Not much else is going on. I stayed over at Narc's on Tuesday night after StarGazer's anniversary party. We watched a few episodes of Lost. I just started watching Season One and I'm semi-obsessed. It's almost a burden, though-- all those hours of television to get through!!

Yesterday I had to go to the doctor in the morning for my six-month check up. Then I came home, cleaned up my apartment a little, and headed over to my voice lesson. I've been feeling really physically exhausted lately and it really showed up in my singing. I'm not sure if it's because I've been taking on more in terms of school work and it's tiring or if it's from uneven sleep, but whatever it is, I hope it passes. I used to pop Vivarin all day long, but I suppose it's not "sober" behavior, so I haven't done it. The urge is still there though. Ahh... those little yellow pills! I miss them so much!

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. I have to finish getting ready for the trip. I don't want to check any luggage (as I'm only going for the weekend) so I have to figure out how to bring what I want within the airport security guidelines.

I don't think I'll be online at all this weekend, so I hope you all have a good one and I'll be back on Sunday night or Monday with an update.

lots of love,
h

It's in the Cards

2008-02-05T13:52:00.000-05:00

NDN told me that my last post was so saccharine that it made him want to puke. Yeah... I guess I can see that. I just needed somewhere to put all that. I'm feeling a little more sane today... balanced... in perspective about Narc and everything else.

I had a pretty wonderful weekend. On Saturday I went to see Die Walküre with B. Lorin Maazel was conducting, and as he's never at the Met, I've never heard him before. (I think they said it's been 45 years since he's done something at the Met!) B and I disagreed on his performance-- I loved it, whereas B was less than impressed. I thought the texture was amazingly clear and it was dramatic without being opaque and bombastic. B thought he disturbed the "flow," but I think that's what kept me so engaged. I was anticipating more difficulty concentrating through five hours of Wagner, but for some reason, I wasn't bored for a moment of it! Of course, Deborah Voigt and James Morris were awesome, but I was surprised that I also really like the tenor who sang Siegmund-- Clifton Forbis. He sounded a little like a baritone, but was a true heldentenor and the part where he sings out "Walse! Walse!" had chills running down my arms. It was so cheesy, but so wonderful and so 19th century. It was almost unbearable. I was exhilarated.

Narc texted me during the opera; so did my friend BahBoy, the opera singer who's back in town for the next few weeks.

Afterwards, B and I walked to the train together at Columbus Circle. I had to head out to Queens to BigSis' place. I had invited my mom and BigSis and BigSis' friend English to watch La Vie en Rose. B and I parted ways at Times Square, but because of track work, I had to go all the way down to West 4th Street to get the E or the F train headed towards Queens. It was about a 30 minute detour total, and I was very annoyed.

In any case, they all loved the movie, so I was happy. Bro-in-Law stuck around long enough to eat Chinese food with us, but didn't watch. My mom brought bags of jeans I had saved from a few years ago, and I was thrilled to find that they all fit me again. Yay! They are all my "skinny jeans," so if I shrink below the size I am now, I officially get a new wardrobe. Kind of exciting...

Narc had texted me a few times, asking what I was up to, so we made a plan to meet when I got back to the city. I didn't get home until around midnight. He was out with his friend Mike (one of the crew he's planning on moving to LA with) and so I didn't end up getting to him until about 1:00 AM. He told me to "surprise us" with a new Ben & Jerry's flavor. :)

We had a nice night. When I got there, he was eating Domino's cheesy bread and had ordered wings. I had a few of those.

"Your present has arrived," he said.

"Oh?"

"I got you a mermaid tarot!"

It was soooo sweet. I was really happy. We watched some TV. I fell asleep on his lap while Deep Impact was on. He fell asleep too. So, we recorded the end of the movie and crawled into bed.

I ended up spending the entire next day with him too. James left several urgent messages that morning telling Narc to "get out of bed and join him for lunch," but Narc ignored them all. Strange... James' ex was out partying in the Hamptons this weekend (people do that in February?) so James was "stuck" with the kids. Apparently he managed to find a sitter for a few hours and that was why he was so desperate for "brunch and vino" as he put it. It made me feel sad for those kids-- that both their parents are sniffing coke and running around to clubs all the time. The world is a strange place. It's weird watching their little lives get formed from where I am-- on the sidelines of the sidelines. Even though Narc is James' best friend and even though his kids live ten minutes away, Narc has only met them once. I don't understand all of that...

Anyway, he wanted to watch The King of Kong with me, so we walked over to the video store and bought a copy. It felt like Spring outside. I was happy to walk with him.

I have to say-- the movie was hysterically funny. "Billy Mitchell" is a tour de force. Seriously-- you have to watch it to see what I mean. It was a great movie. (And incidentally, Billy Mitchell looks sort of like SeattleGuy if you subtract the ridiculous hair. It was weird...) We ordered in sandwiches and watched all of the extras on the DVD too-- several hours of laying around on the couch.

After that, we watched more TV. And more TV. And more TV. We watched the end of Deep Impact. We watched Dirty Dancing. And we watched five episodes of Season 1 of Lost. We are probably the only people who sat around watching TV for the entire day on Superbowl Sunday and didn't once turn on the game. Especially here in NY!!

Anyway, it wasn't all a waste, as I managed to read through an article and start to put together my presentation while all of this TV was humming in the background.

By midnight, though, I was ready to shoot myself if any more TV seeped into my saturated and atrophying brain.

"Narc, I can't take it anymore!!!"

"So... what do you want to do?"

"Something else. Tell me a story."

He laughed. He didn't tell me a story. We just sat and chatted for a little while. I felt dulled.

"Well, show me how to do a reading, then," I said.

I took out the picture of the Celtic cross layout.

"How does this work?"

Narc helped me and we got a strangely insightful reading with my mermaid cards.

"You didn't really ask a question, though," he said, "so it's hard to direct the cards. Let me show you something else."

He said he was going to do an "Angel reading" for me with his Rider-Waite deck. He pulled the four "angel" cards from the deck-- "The Lovers," "Temperance," "Judgment" and "The Devil," and he told me to order the cards. I put them in the order I just listed them.

"Judgment is your obstacle," he said. "That's the one that's going to preside over the reading."

Then he took out a piece of paper and divided it into three columns.

"You have to ask a question," he said.

I had only one question in my mind-- would I survive him leaving? How could I ask that without asking that?

"Will I have peace of mind, be at peace with my life, this Summer?"

"Ok."

He wrote down three questions-- one on the top of each column. Where am I now? What obstacles brought me here? What do I have to do to overcome these obstacles?

Then he shuffled the rest of the deck and lay out four piles of three cards.

"We're going to flip over the angel cards and assign one to each pile and when your angel, Judgment, comes up, those are your cards."

The Judgment angel showed up on the first pile.

"Dying to get at it, huh?" he laughed.

Then he flipped over each card. Here was my reading.

1.) WHERE AM I NOW? : The Page of Cups

2.) WHAT OBSTACLES BROUGHT ME HERE? : The two of swords

3.) WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO OVERCOME THESE OBSTACLES? : The ten of swords

So, basically, without going into all of the details, here's the general analysis that Narc gave me...

The page of cups is about the beginning of bringing something into full manifestation. It's related to "emotional beginnings." The page is rooted in the emotional and spiritual and people represented by this card are supposedly "true romantics at heart."

"So-- you're at the start of a journey," he said. "And it's an optimistic beginning."

The next card-- my obstacles, was even more accurate. He said that the card represents a stalemate-- a conflict between two equally matched forces. Neither has the advantage. This is a long period of confusion and stagnation. (Hmm... sounds familiar.) He told me that the figure in the card is choosing to cross her arms in front of her heart to protect it from perceived danger. If this barrier is pried away, it will be painful but freeing. (I remembered when IrishBird told me I had "tunnel vision.") We looked up the card to get a more in depth reading.

"The Two of Swords shows those times when you deliberately avoid seeing the truth. Maybe one of your ideas has been proven incorrect and, though you see that you were wrong, you do not want to admit it. It can be painful to remove a blindfold and see the truth, because even the softest light will blind those who have lived in darkness. But being blinded by the light is far preferable to being blinded by darkness."

"I don't know about that," I said. "Sometimes it's preferable to be blinded by the darkness."

He didn't say anything.

"But maybe I'm just saying that because I'm still in that stalemate."

"No you're not," he said. "You're the page of cups. The stalemate has blocked you in the past, but you're about to begin your journey. You're already in the light."

It was weird to hear those words in his voice.

"Now for the last card," he said.

The ten of swords: "Even though only one sword would be needed to kill this man, ten were used: he has not simply been killed, but annihilated."

Is that the annihilation of my love? I wondered. My personal myth? My ego? My vision? My Narc?

Narc pointed out that the ten of swords is the last of the numbered swords-- the end of the ordeal. "No more pain will come to you from that source."

Online it said that the sun in the background of the card represents a new beginning arising from an ending. "The Ten of Swords is a sign that what you have gone through was not without purpose. The great positive power within you can be used to learn from your pain and draw wisdom from defeat."

My heart was filled with wondering about all of it-- is this really the end for me and Narc? Am I really living a denouement?

We went to bed not long after that. I found it hard to breathe.

The next morning we slept in a little too late, and then prolonged our time in bed a little too long. I had to get up and out to go to therapy. I don't know why, but when he was in the shower, I looked at his phone... maybe I did it because I know that he looked at mine last week. I don't know why I did it. I kind of hate that I did. It was a compulsion. I think I was looking for pain.

Guess what? I found it... sort of. I mean, I found something that should have caused me pain, but for some reason it didn't.

He had texted the Exhibitionist early last week and told her that he slept with three women that week-- me, ModelChick (his ex) and his friend Robyn.

"It was great to be with ModelChick again," he wrote. "To sleep with someone I actually have a connection with."

That stung. I have to say, it stung. But, the thing is, I know it's a lie. The night he said he was with Robyn, he was sick and I was at his house the whole time. The night he said he was with ModelChick, he had already told me about and had said that she left early because James showed up at the bar drunk. I don't know why he was lying to the Exhibitionist. I don't know why he wrote those things. But I made a choice to not care. It's not the real him. And besides, I know that he comes with a little pain and baggage... haven't I already decided to accept that until it's over?

He came out of the shower and I hugged him goodbye.

"We've both got to be productive this week," he said.

"Yeah, but I'm going to Florida over the weekend," I reminded him. "Thursday to Sunday."

"Oh, I'm sure I'll see you before then," he said.

(He's probably right. After all, I've spent six of the last ten nights at his place.)

And I left.

I was glad to be going to therapy. It was good to process all of that fast and to let it go.

For the rest of the afternoon yesterday, I finished preparing my class presentation and then went to class. It felt good to be starting the research seminar and to be around other historian-grad students. I think my presentation went well.

I was up late last night, though. I spent forever trying to download Season One of Lost using utorrent (saddened that xtorrent won't work on my laptop), texting Narc for help periodically, only to find that my laptop didn't have enough space for it. Then, after a few hours of frustration, I found that I can watch the episodes in streaming HD on abc.com. At least that worked out...

This morning I went off to vote and then came here to school to teach. Tonight is StarGazer's one year anniversary celebration. I'm going to be out at the diner until midnight.

Well... that's it for now. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly.

Non, rien de rien

Non, je ne regrette rien

Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait, ni le mal

Tout ça m'est bien égal

Non, rien de rien

Non, je ne regrette rien

C'est payé, balayé, oublié

Je me fous du passé

Avec mes souvenirs

J'ai allumé le feu

Mes chagrins, mes plaisirs

Je n'ai plus besoin d'eux

Balayés mes amours

Avec leurs trémolos

Balayés pour toujours

Je repars à zéro

Non, rien de rien

Non, je ne regrette rien

Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait, ni le mal

Tout ça m'est bien égal

Non, rien de rien

Non, je ne regrette rien

Car ma vie

Car mes joies

Aujourd'hui

Ça commence avec toi...

Isn't that the truth?

love,

h